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The GOP-to-English Dictionary: Cracking the Republican Code
June 6, 2002
By Michael Barry

Finding it difficult to reconcile Republican rhetoric with their actions? Maybe you just aren't speaking the same language. Use this handy guide to translate GOP dialog, and get on the same page as the corporate millionaires running the country!

Never be left out again--use this guide while listening to GOP politicians, or reading their shills in the press.

Think how happy you'll be to finally know what they're really saying. No more unpleasant surprises, no more false hope of bipartisanship Impress your friends at parties with seemingly prescient predictions--only you'll know what programs will be cut, what regulations will be rescinded, which documents will be released, and which will remain classified as a matter of "national security". Your friends will think you're a genius!

Simply substitute any words you encounter from the left-hand column with ones from the right, and you'll be speaking GOP in no time. It really works!

When Republicans Say: It means:
Initiative Acquired Wealth
Merit Inherited Wealth
Local Stakeholders Polluters
Affirmative Access The Good Old Days
Recognized Expert Industry Lobbyist
Entrepreneur Campaign Donor
Voluntary Compliance Dumping waste in rivers
Irresponsible Federal Regulation Regulation
Protecting the environment Building strip malls on toxic waste sites
Family Values Heterosexuality
Freedom Money
National Security Gravy
Missile Defense Lots of Gravy
Initiative Money
Class Warfare Communism
Europeans Communists
Totalitarian Communist Regime Massachusetts
Massachusetts Ted Kennedy
Ted Kennedy Karl Marx
Bill Clinton The Sixties
The Sixties Drugs
Drugs Terrorism
Compassionate Conservatives Republicans with PR agents
The Right To Bear Arms The Right to Sell Guns
Tort Reform Corporate Control of the Judiciary

Try it yourself! Translate the following sentences:

Example 1: "Freedom-loving people understand that local stakeholders are best able to decide what's best for their industries, and not those who advocate irresponsible Federal regulation. Recognized experts have demonstrated that voluntary compliance is the right way to strike a balance between protecting the environment and rewarding entrepreneurs."

Example 2: "I know there are those who think the estate tax--the death tax--is a good idea. They think that initiative--and merit--shouldn't be rewarded. Well, that may suit Massachusetts; it may suit Ted Kennedy; it may suit others mired in their sixties-induced class-warfare. But it won't work here in the sovereign state of Mississippi!"

Now get out there and start translating!

 
Michael Barry is a singer/songwriter from Boston, MA.
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