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Ari
Briefs the Press Corpse
June 4, 2002
Transcribed by Warren Pease
 Ari
Fleischer welcomes the group and, without the usual preliminary
statements, begins taking questions.
Blowdry 1: At CNN, we've decided that the latest round
of FBI agent allegations simply fly in the face of all the
wonderfulness we see every day in this administration, so
we've decided to ignore all present and future reports that
seem to cast doubt on the White House version of the events
of 9-11. Therefore, we conclude that the FBI agents in question
must have ulterior motives. Ari, can you speculate on what
those might be?
Ari: Well, they're obviously deeply disturbed individuals
who hold some sort of grudge against this president. We've
tried to figure out why they hate us so and the only thing
we can come up with is that they hate our freedoms. I mean,
how'd you like to spend your career in a cheap suit driving
Fords, flying coach, and eating at McDonalds while we ride
in limos, visit our Italian tailors a couple of times a year,
fly on Air Force One and eat Black Sea caviar with Pootie
Poot? (Laughter)
Blowdryette 1: Ari, we at Fox have also decided that
this whole sordid episode is beneath our dignity and we won't
touch it with CBS's 10-foot pole. But I'm wondering if the
White House has planned any punitive actions against these
agents. After all, the very fact that they're attempting to
discredit the White House in a time of war smacks of treason.
Ari: Well, we report -- you decide. (Laughter)
But seriously, that's really a better question for Attorney
General Ashcroft, although I can say that this president doesn't
hold grudges. In fact, he's tried to reach out to the FBI
agents involved by sending his personal spiritual advisor
to meet with them individually. But I guess they got a little
testy when the guy started going on about accepting Jesus
as their personal savior. And the Watchtower thing couldn't
have helped either. So that's still pending.
Blowdry 2: My name is Wolf. I have no questions. I
have no need to ask questions. My knowledge is encyclopedic.
I demand respect. Now. From everyone. I have nothing else
to say.
Ari: Well, you certainly have the deepest respect
of this president, Wolf. He's particularly fond of your nightly
Internet polls, worded so that only a complete moron could
possibly pick the, umm, undesirable answer. However, the fact
that you're only 5'2" isn't helping your career. This president
advises you to get a desk job, a tall chair to sit on, and
lose the six-inch platforms. (Laughter -- Wolf reaches
for his box cutter, thinks better of it as a dozen OHS thugs
prepare to rip him into small, freedom-loving pieces.)
Haunted-looking newspaper guy with bad hair: It seems
evident that the FBI agents who have come forward have put
their careers and credibility on the line. I find it difficult
to imagine why a career FBI special agent would voluntarily
jeopardize his or her future without a very good reason. Given
that, how is it possible that all these agents point to systemic
failures at the FBI, foot-dragging at the Justice Department,
and a pattern of willful ignorance or complicity that goes
all the way to the Oval Office? And why is it that the best
you or your boss can do in the face of such charges is smirk,
tell lame-ass jokes and flip off the American public day after
day? (Huge "OOOOOOOHHHHH" from the White House
press corpse.)
Ari: You think my jokes are lame? You should try being
on Air Force One with Ashcroft for 12 straight hours. Next
question. (Nervous laughter -- huge sigh of relief from
the press corpse.)
Blowdryette 2: Trying to be fair and unbiased here,
Ari, but it seems to me that this whole series of revelations
is a carefully orchestrated campaign by Democrats to smear
the administration. Given that we're at war, that our enemies
are everywhere, and that the threat from these evildoers is
constant and unrelenting, has the president considered military
tribunals for these Democrat traitors?
Ari: Of course not -- at least not at this time. This
president felt the anthrax mailings were sufficient for now.
If that turns out not to be the case, then he'll reevaluate
the situation as necessary. He does have contingency plans
for dealing with those who would obstruct the war effort,
but I can't go into them at this time.
Blowdryette 2: Ari, a quick follow-up. What actions
on the part of these seditious liberal Democrats would cause
the administration to reconsider military tribunals and, if
possible, firing squads. Preferably on prime time television,
so that other liberals would understand that there are physical
consequences for aiding and abetting the terrorists?
Ari: Oh, hi Ann. I didn't recognize you at first.
Did you lose weight? Anyway, to answer your question, I suppose
the first time Senator Daschle or Representative Gephardt
begins a statement with something besides the usual ode to
the war effort and their expressions of wholehearted support
for this president, the alarms would go off. So far, we're
pretty confident that we won't need to resort to anything
more severe than the anthrax threats, which were obviously
the work of deeply disturbed evildoers who hate us for our
freedoms and can't be traced to this president. Time for one
more.
Blowdry 3: Ari, I don't have a question; just a comment.
On behalf of all of us here, I want to express our deepest
thanks to the president for his efforts to guide this country
through the bewildering maze of domestic policy, international
diplomacy, the war against the evil doers and the axis of
evil, and still manage to find the time to come up with cute
little nicknames for all of us. He makes us feel so very special;
he really does. So I just wanted to tip my cap to him and
say that we all thank God every day that Al Gore isn't in
the White House. (Loud applause -- bad hair guy pukes into
his computer carrying case.)
Ari: Well, Geraldo. This president is equally grateful
to all of you. After all, thanks to your ability to see through
his roughhewn, down-home façade and report the truth, he has
been transformed and revealed to the nation as a leader of
Churchillian capabilities, an orator on a par with Daniel
Webster, and a man with the unique ability to unite Americans
of all classes, faiths, and genders -- except welfare cheat
tax-suckers, skanky Muslim idolaters, and traitor Democrat
queers. Thanks, and we'll see you all tomorrow -- all except
the puking guy with the bad hair. You've just been reassigned
to Kashmir. And don't forget the body armor. (Laughter)
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