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Ari Briefs the Press Corpse
June 4, 2002
Transcribed by Warren Pease

Ari Fleischer welcomes the group and, without the usual preliminary statements, begins taking questions.

Blowdry 1: At CNN, we've decided that the latest round of FBI agent allegations simply fly in the face of all the wonderfulness we see every day in this administration, so we've decided to ignore all present and future reports that seem to cast doubt on the White House version of the events of 9-11. Therefore, we conclude that the FBI agents in question must have ulterior motives. Ari, can you speculate on what those might be?

Ari: Well, they're obviously deeply disturbed individuals who hold some sort of grudge against this president. We've tried to figure out why they hate us so and the only thing we can come up with is that they hate our freedoms. I mean, how'd you like to spend your career in a cheap suit driving Fords, flying coach, and eating at McDonalds while we ride in limos, visit our Italian tailors a couple of times a year, fly on Air Force One and eat Black Sea caviar with Pootie Poot? (Laughter)

Blowdryette 1: Ari, we at Fox have also decided that this whole sordid episode is beneath our dignity and we won't touch it with CBS's 10-foot pole. But I'm wondering if the White House has planned any punitive actions against these agents. After all, the very fact that they're attempting to discredit the White House in a time of war smacks of treason.

Ari: Well, we report -- you decide. (Laughter) But seriously, that's really a better question for Attorney General Ashcroft, although I can say that this president doesn't hold grudges. In fact, he's tried to reach out to the FBI agents involved by sending his personal spiritual advisor to meet with them individually. But I guess they got a little testy when the guy started going on about accepting Jesus as their personal savior. And the Watchtower thing couldn't have helped either. So that's still pending.

Blowdry 2: My name is Wolf. I have no questions. I have no need to ask questions. My knowledge is encyclopedic. I demand respect. Now. From everyone. I have nothing else to say.

Ari: Well, you certainly have the deepest respect of this president, Wolf. He's particularly fond of your nightly Internet polls, worded so that only a complete moron could possibly pick the, umm, undesirable answer. However, the fact that you're only 5'2" isn't helping your career. This president advises you to get a desk job, a tall chair to sit on, and lose the six-inch platforms. (Laughter -- Wolf reaches for his box cutter, thinks better of it as a dozen OHS thugs prepare to rip him into small, freedom-loving pieces.)

Haunted-looking newspaper guy with bad hair: It seems evident that the FBI agents who have come forward have put their careers and credibility on the line. I find it difficult to imagine why a career FBI special agent would voluntarily jeopardize his or her future without a very good reason. Given that, how is it possible that all these agents point to systemic failures at the FBI, foot-dragging at the Justice Department, and a pattern of willful ignorance or complicity that goes all the way to the Oval Office? And why is it that the best you or your boss can do in the face of such charges is smirk, tell lame-ass jokes and flip off the American public day after day? (Huge "OOOOOOOHHHHH" from the White House press corpse.)

Ari: You think my jokes are lame? You should try being on Air Force One with Ashcroft for 12 straight hours. Next question. (Nervous laughter -- huge sigh of relief from the press corpse.)

Blowdryette 2: Trying to be fair and unbiased here, Ari, but it seems to me that this whole series of revelations is a carefully orchestrated campaign by Democrats to smear the administration. Given that we're at war, that our enemies are everywhere, and that the threat from these evildoers is constant and unrelenting, has the president considered military tribunals for these Democrat traitors?

Ari: Of course not -- at least not at this time. This president felt the anthrax mailings were sufficient for now. If that turns out not to be the case, then he'll reevaluate the situation as necessary. He does have contingency plans for dealing with those who would obstruct the war effort, but I can't go into them at this time.

Blowdryette 2: Ari, a quick follow-up. What actions on the part of these seditious liberal Democrats would cause the administration to reconsider military tribunals and, if possible, firing squads. Preferably on prime time television, so that other liberals would understand that there are physical consequences for aiding and abetting the terrorists?

Ari: Oh, hi Ann. I didn't recognize you at first. Did you lose weight? Anyway, to answer your question, I suppose the first time Senator Daschle or Representative Gephardt begins a statement with something besides the usual ode to the war effort and their expressions of wholehearted support for this president, the alarms would go off. So far, we're pretty confident that we won't need to resort to anything more severe than the anthrax threats, which were obviously the work of deeply disturbed evildoers who hate us for our freedoms and can't be traced to this president. Time for one more.

Blowdry 3: Ari, I don't have a question; just a comment. On behalf of all of us here, I want to express our deepest thanks to the president for his efforts to guide this country through the bewildering maze of domestic policy, international diplomacy, the war against the evil doers and the axis of evil, and still manage to find the time to come up with cute little nicknames for all of us. He makes us feel so very special; he really does. So I just wanted to tip my cap to him and say that we all thank God every day that Al Gore isn't in the White House. (Loud applause -- bad hair guy pukes into his computer carrying case.)

Ari: Well, Geraldo. This president is equally grateful to all of you. After all, thanks to your ability to see through his roughhewn, down-home fašade and report the truth, he has been transformed and revealed to the nation as a leader of Churchillian capabilities, an orator on a par with Daniel Webster, and a man with the unique ability to unite Americans of all classes, faiths, and genders -- except welfare cheat tax-suckers, skanky Muslim idolaters, and traitor Democrat queers. Thanks, and we'll see you all tomorrow -- all except the puking guy with the bad hair. You've just been reassigned to Kashmir. And don't forget the body armor. (Laughter)

 
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