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My Favorite Republican Hits Rock Bottom
April 24, 2002
By birdman

Don't we all have a favorite Republican? I know I do and it's certainly not McCain or Snowe or Chaffee.

My favorite Republican is Robert K. "B1 Bob" Dornan, former military man, U.S. Congressman and talk show host. He once even starred in a movie called "The Starfighters" which was so good that it was shown on Mystery Science Theater 3000.

But it appears that B1 Bob has fallen on hard times.

It was truly sad to see my favorite Repub reach the level of a speaking engagement where the audience consisted of as many porta-potties as people. Yes, I'm afraid B1 Bob was reduced to addressing the Free Republic Patriots Rally for America last Saturday. I mean it was just a few years ago that my man Bob was on such a roll that you could see him on C-Span a couple of times a week reading screaming tirades to an empty House of Representatives. And now it's come to this.

Well, it's not like my man didn't have a good run for a lot of years.

B1 Bob got his nickname from the B1 bomber which was built by the Rockwell corporation which just happened to be in Bob's district. Even though the usual critics insisted that it wouldn't work and wasn't necessary it was Dornan who warned the nation that failure to build a fleet of B1s would surely lead to World War III. And so my man Bob got the B1 built and it would still be being built today if one of them hadn't crashed after a collision with a pelican.

B1 Bob is a true patriot and never tired of talking about his military career and how he was a "shit-hot fighter pilot." And, of course, there were the usual carping critics who tried to make an issue out of the fact that B1 crashed three jets and a helicopter, or that Bob spent the Korean War learning to be an actor and only went to Vietnam as a photographer. But we know he would have gladly battled those evil commies if those damn jets had managed to stay in the air.

Patriotic Americans like my man Bob are always going to attract enemies. I mean back in the 1980s poor Bob was once forced to punch Long Island democrat Tom Downey on the floor of the House because Downey would not support the Nicaraguan drug-dealers (oops, I mean freedom fighters) . He was unfairly cheated out of his House seat in 1996 by nuns and illegal immigrants who conspired to cross the border to defeat him, but his Republican friends in the House refused to help. They even banned him from the House floor when he kept showing up to complain at the top of his lungs about how he'd been robbed. But loyal Americans like B1 are always well aware that there are those who out to get them. As he said himself, "Every lesbian spearchucker is hoping I get defeated."

More than anything else B1 is a highly, moral, family-oriented guy. I mean why else would he have carried a plastic fetus with him wherever he went for several years? Who but a believer in traditional values could have seen that pro-choice men were "either men trapped in women's bodies...or younger guys who are like camp followers looking for easy sex"? He admonished us not to use the word gay "unless it's an acronym for Got Aids Yet". And I don't want to hear any of those stories about how Mrs. B1 left him a few times and filed for four divorces. She came back to Bob every single time, even the time she claimed he used to drag her around by the hair waving a gun. And court records show that B1 never served a single day in the slammer on that 1966 conviction for assaulting her.

It is at this time when he apparently has hit bottom that we should remember B1's finest hour. It occurred during the House banking scandal. Although my man Bob wasn't entirely clean he had the best of excuses. As he explained to his constituents at the time, yes, he had indeed dipped into the free money - but only because he needed it to build a grotto to the Virgin Mary in his back yard.

I mean how can you not love the guy?

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