Favorite Republican Hits Rock Bottom
April 24, 2002
Don't we all have a favorite Republican? I know I do and
it's certainly not McCain or Snowe or Chaffee.
My favorite Republican is Robert K. "B1 Bob" Dornan, former
military man, U.S. Congressman and talk show host. He once
even starred in a movie called "The
Starfighters" which was so good that it was shown on Mystery
Science Theater 3000.
But it appears that B1 Bob has fallen on hard times.
It was truly sad to see my favorite Repub reach the level
of a speaking engagement where the audience consisted of as
many porta-potties as people. Yes, I'm afraid B1 Bob was reduced
to addressing the Free Republic Patriots Rally for America
last Saturday. I mean it was just a few years ago that my
man Bob was on such a roll that you could see him on C-Span
a couple of times a week reading screaming tirades to an empty
House of Representatives. And now it's come to this.
Well, it's not like my man didn't have a good run for a lot
B1 Bob got his nickname from the B1 bomber which was built
by the Rockwell corporation which just happened to be in Bob's
district. Even though the usual critics insisted that it wouldn't
work and wasn't necessary it was Dornan who warned the nation
that failure to build a fleet of B1s would surely lead to
World War III. And so my man Bob got the B1 built and it would
still be being built today if one of them hadn't crashed after
a collision with a pelican.
B1 Bob is a true patriot and never tired of talking about
his military career and how he was a "shit-hot fighter pilot."
And, of course, there were the usual carping critics who tried
to make an issue out of the fact that B1 crashed three jets
and a helicopter, or that Bob spent the Korean War learning
to be an actor and only went to Vietnam as a photographer.
But we know he would have gladly battled those evil commies
if those damn jets had managed to stay in the air.
Patriotic Americans like my man Bob are always going to attract
enemies. I mean back in the 1980s poor Bob was once forced
to punch Long Island democrat Tom Downey on the floor of the
House because Downey would not support the Nicaraguan drug-dealers
(oops, I mean freedom fighters) . He was unfairly cheated
out of his House seat in 1996 by nuns and illegal immigrants
who conspired to cross the border to defeat him, but his Republican
friends in the House refused to help. They even banned him
from the House floor when he kept showing up to complain at
the top of his lungs about how he'd been robbed. But loyal
Americans like B1 are always well aware that there are those
who out to get them. As he said himself,
"Every lesbian spearchucker is hoping I get defeated."
More than anything else B1 is a highly, moral, family-oriented
guy. I mean why else would he have carried a plastic fetus
with him wherever he went for several years? Who but a believer
in traditional values could have seen that pro-choice men
were "either men trapped in women's bodies...or younger guys
who are like camp followers looking for easy sex"? He admonished
us not to use the word gay "unless it's an acronym for Got
Aids Yet". And I don't want to hear any of those stories about
how Mrs. B1 left him a few times and filed for four divorces.
She came back to Bob every single time, even the time she
claimed he used to drag her around by the hair waving a gun.
And court records show that B1 never served a single day in
the slammer on that 1966 conviction for assaulting her.
It is at this time when he apparently has hit bottom that
we should remember B1's finest hour. It occurred during the
House banking scandal. Although my man Bob wasn't entirely
clean he had the best of excuses. As he explained to his constituents
at the time, yes, he had indeed dipped into the free money
- but only because he needed it to build a grotto to the Virgin
Mary in his back yard.
I mean how can you not love the guy?