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A Modest
Proposal
April 16, 2002
By Bob Martin
It is a melancholy object to those who journey through the
history of this great country, when they see how the rewards
of preferential treatment have benefitted the African immigrants
over White immigrants. I think it is agreed by all parties
that only by affirmative action will Whites ever be able to
attain the level playing field we are so enamored with.
I offer for everyone's consideration the preference Africans
enjoyed in free passage to this continent with employment
on arrival. And this see-the-world jobs program was just the
start.
From the youngest Black children who were spared the boring
indoor sedentary 3R's drills by allowing them outdoor employment
picking up cotton (not exactly heavy lifting), to the eldest
who were spared the daily travails whites had to concern themselves
with. Not only was room (with furniture), board, and employment
assured, but they didn't have the hassles of banks and debts.
The kindly employer arranged direct deposit and electronic
bill-paying. Whites never got this cradle-to-grave care.
Blacks didn't have to pour through the biographies of politicians
and have the guilt of voting for scoundrels. That burden was
suffered by Whites.
Blacks had their own interstate subway. Whites weren't even
allowed in the back of this underground railroad.
These (and many other inequities that may be enumerated)
exist even today as we embark on a new millennium, but in
subtler form.
How many Whites do you think are routinely stopped by the
police to inquire about their health and have their trunks
checked to ensure the spare is properly inflated? Virtually
none.
How many Whites walk into a store and have an employee follow
them around to help them shop? Virtually none. Blacks have
someone right there at their elbow, sometimes with a sidearm
to assist them and ward off pickpockets. Why, I even remember
one case where a security guard offered- he didn't have to
be asked- to hold a Black teenager's coat while he went home
to get a receipt. Are Whites afforded the same customer service?
Virtually never.
Does anybody know of any color that Whites have? Blacks have
the blues. And the right to sing the blues. Is that fair?
Blacks get to speak Ebonics. Their own language. What do
Whites get? A hand-me-down language from a country that couldn't
even hang on to an empire. A language that doesn't allow me
to whitemail or whiteball people. And in which crackardly
has no meaning.
Black athletes get all the natural talent. Whites athletes
have to have a work ethic. We do we have to work? Why can't
we be shiftless and lazy?
Blacks get February. At best, we may get a White Christmas.
Blacks have organizations that seek the advancement of their
people while Whites have organizations that disparage others.
Why do we get the morally corrupt ones? And why do theirs
get multiple letters when all we get is three K's or three
C's?
I have given this matter of the slanted playing field much
thought, and though I wish politicians could just wave their
legislative wand and erase four hundred years of racial preference,
I have concluded a more proactive approach is needed.
Hence, my proposal. (Which I can only hope, makes me a credit
to my race.)
Since all this preferential treatment stems from the free
passage and guaranteed employment, I humbly suggest White
people be boarded on ships and sent to Africa where they could
be employed in whatever work had to be done there.
While it would be advantageous to send all 224 million Whites
there immediately, the logistics of such an endeavor would
be overwhelming, not only for our transportation system, but
for the African nations that may find it difficult to provide
the full employment that is the crux of this affirmative action.
A more reasonable agenda would be to send the 57 million women
of child-bearing age (15-44) in the first year. In subsequent
years young ladies who attain the age of fifteen could be
sent in their birth month, along with the occasional 11 to
14 year-old who happens to be in a family way.
As matronly types are needed indoors to run houseolds, each
year all 65 year-old women will be afforded passage as well.
After fifteen years, there will be no more White women under
80 in America and the program would end.
As for the men, a good start would be all the politicians.
Oversexed, they will be the best breeders for the steady supply
of children Africa will need to institute FRAP (Family Rip
Asunder Program). When they're not breeding, their powerful
jaws and inflated lungs make them the perfect candidates for
plow animals. And the reduced emissions from having a bit
between their teeth would go a long way towards curing global
warming.
The draft would be reinstated. In the first year, all White
males born in January would make the trip. The second year
all those born in February, and so on. Deferments would be
offered to those who can star at a televised sport (bench-warmers
would not be eligible) and those who can fill critical movie
roles (pimp, butler, gangsta, ex-con, etc). We only need one
White male left behind to administer the program (to avoid
the appearance of racism). As the creator of this affirmative
action, I feel duty bound to offer myself for this task, recognizing
that it would be unfair to ask anyone else to give up the
opportunity of a level playing field. I hesitate to commend
myself, but I think this is mighty White of me.
I am sure there are many who may find this proposal objectionable
for different reasons. Allow me to dispel some criticisms
that have arisen.
First and foremost there is the fairness question. After
all, a Black person is defined as having one drop of Black
blood in their ancestry. These people, though 99% white, have
already enjoyed the Black preference and therefore must not
be allowed to participate. This program is For Whites Only.
Some have rightly complained that I propose to deplete our
natural resources while getting nothing in return. That would
be a poor business decision and I would not want to be accused
of giving the store away. An exchange board would be created
to establish a fair market value for Whites to ensure every
transaction is equitable. I think it reasonable, for example,
that a strong, healthy, White female could be worth a cow,
an oxen, two pigs, or five chickens. A male of similar stock
would, no doubt, be worth at least one dog. (Of course, such
valuation would be the bailiwick of the board.) The proceeds
of these exchanges would go to relatives as compensation for
their disappointment of not being able to make the cruise.
Please recognize that this is only a proposal and need not
be enacted exactly as I suggest. Also, please note that I
have not the least personal interest in this affirmative action
as I'll be staying behind. And I hereby renounce any livestock
that may be acquired for my relatives.
I have discussed my proposal with several Blacks (as they
have the most to lose), and to a person they were surprisingly
generous in their approval. "Give Whites this program," one
enthused, "and they shall overcome."
I suspect, what with the world at a faster pace, in one or
two hundred years we could institute the Back To America Movement
and, with the level playing field intact, end affirmative
action altogether.
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