This (Beware of the Lobsterman)
April 12, 2002
By W. David Jenkins III
Oh, dear Lord, the world is falling apart. The Middle East
is a time bomb. Nobody in charge knows what to do. There are
terrorists everywhere and I don't know what color Tom Ridge
says today is. The economy is in questionable condition. People
are getting laid off left and right. Al Qaeda is hiding in
our back yards. Ashcroft has his hands full spying on and
arresting lawyers unless he's playing crappy piano on Letterman.
We're going to be over run with terrorists any minute now.
Oh my God, there's only one thing left to do! I'm going to
call 1-800-USA-CORPS. That's what George W. Bush said. Call
1-800-872-2677 and sign up to do your part to spy on your
I listened on April, 8th to our fearless commander speaking
in Knoxville, Tennessee. My God, he was good. He brought chills
to my spine as he took the torch of leadership and let us
all in on what we need to do to combat "terra-ism" here at
home. My eyes filled with tears of pride listening to his
steadfast warnings of protecting freedom and maintaining the
security of America. He spoke of the protection of the "freedom
to worship" and said the terrorists hated our freedom of "honest
political discourse." Then he had the people who booed him
and heckled him removed and questioned by the Secret Service
agents he had with him. How dare they make fun of the Commander
in Chief! So what if he proceeded to give one of the most
ridiculous speeches ever! I swear, I played it back on the
C-Span web site and laughed so hard I cried. You folks really
need to go and check it out if you missed it.
I really loved this speech. Bush managed to spell out so
clearly what we all needed to do. As he said,"I recognize
the best way to secure our homeland is to find the enemy wherever
they hide. There's some sti-um-if-um-stu-sti-um-if...stuff
we need to do." You folks remember Porky Pig, right? Well,
he was in Knoxville last Monday posing as the president.
Now before I go any further, please don't call the phone
numbers I listed above. Those numbers are just another Bush
II screw up from the Knoxville speech. See, if you wanna spy
on your neighbor and call that number Bush listed, you're
going to get the Howard Group. Now the Howard Group is a nationwide
employment agency, based in Los Angeles who has been a victim
of Bush's ineptitude with numbers, which would explain his
budget figures. These poor people spent the whole first part
of the week answering calls and trying to explain that Bush
screwed up. Again. See, Bush used their number a few months
ago with another one of his cockamamie ideas and they went
through the same thing. Let me say that the folks at the Howard
Group have a great sense of humor but they wish George "The
Imposter" would get his number concepts in order. Moving right
Bush was at his un-chaperoned finest that day. People heard
things that astounded them with pride in the assumed leader
of the free world. But I must admit, there were many unfinished
statements. For instance, in reference to the terrorists he
stated "We don't seek revenge!" Well, of course "we" don't,
we seek a pipeline in Afghanistan, silly. But we are going
to imprison people without charge indefinitely and if they
get on our bad side we will simply send them off to Egypt
or Jordan to be tortured. Oh, I'm sorry, "questioned." That's
what Uncle Rummy calls it.
Then, one of my favorite statements, "The American people
know what I know." Um, no George, the American people know
more than you know. Heck, we all knew that a long time ago.
No new news there. The only people who know less than you
and us are the ones who still cheer and wave flags when you
say those tired old clichés you've become famous for. "Hunt
'em down and Smoke 'em out" you keep saying. Or here's a good
one. "There is no cave deep enough to hide from the American
people" you said. I don't know, George. If you ask me, I think
bin Laden found one. Hell, so has Cheney for that matter.
Just because he's no longer important to you anymore doesn't
mean your biggest supporter, Jethro from Crappy's Bar doesn't
want a piece of him. Face it, George, bin Laden's made you
look ineffectual. Hell, so has Cheney for that matter.
Then the Bush's kid said a few things that got me wondering.
He spoke of the coalition. You remember. The group of Arab
countries and European countries that basically said to go
ahead and bomb Afghanistan. Well, he referred to the "coalition
that refuses to bend." Okay, look George, we know the mainstream
media is about as valuable as anything you'd find at the Dollar
Store, but even they're reporting that your "coalition" is
starting to look like a pair of frayed jeans. You've been
shooting off your mouth about "the axis of evil" and "evil
doers." Cheney's declared Iraq as a threat to security without
mentioning that Halliburton Corp. under his watch sold Hussein
over 23 million dollars worth of weapons technology. Then,
of course, we have you acting like M*A*S*H's Frank Burns when
it comes to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
"Aw, C'mon, pals. Can't we all be just buddies at the front?"
I swear, George, you have to stop this. You're embarrassing
us in front of the whole world. I wouldn't be surprised if
your Mom was slapping your Poppy upside the head for rigging
the "election." I can just hear her now.
"Dammit, Poppy, this was YOUR (smack) idea! Now look what
Then George went on with the usual crap. The old "If you're
not with us you're against us" stuff. Then he went on to say
something about "senior citi-skins." He also made a strange
remark about how well we're "sharing information." Now, I
would bet there are some of my fellow New Yorkers who recently
learned how Bush Inc. had withheld information about a possible
nuking of the Big Apple who would beg to differ with this
remark. But why nit pick? But then his remarks got weird.
He started talking about this citizen watch idea of his and
all of a sudden I'm not sure if I want to vacation on Cape
Cod this summer.
See, I have a favorite place near Wood's Hole on the Cape.
Nobska lighthouse over looks Martha's Vineyard and there's
a huge rock where I like to sit for hours. One of the things
I like to do is watch the lobster boats do their work. But,
now Bush has made me wonder if this is a good idea. See, he
wants, I think, the lobstermen and truckers and utility workers
to watch us. Or maybe we're supposed to watch them. He really
didn't make that clear. Now logic would have it that as a
lobsterman, as Bush calls 'em, they should be watching the
shore for anything "suspicious." Never mind that they have
7 to 8 pounds of snapping claws attached to the crustacean
their handling. They're supposed to be busy watching me and
others on the beach. But, on the other hand, if I see a lobsterman
throw one back into the water should I assume he's attached
a bomb to it? Maybe he wants to blow up Falmouth, y'know?
And what about the truckers and utility workers? Are we supposed
to turn in the cable guy cause he didn't show up when they
said he would be there? I mean, what if he's out rigging people's
cable so all they can get is Fox News? Does that count? Isn't
that terrorism? I'm so confused. My neighbor's garbage cans
are red, so does that mean they're a threat? What if they're
communists? My dog barks and I don't know what he's trying
to say. He's speaking a foreign language. Should he be under
suspicion too? Just what the heck are we supposed to do?
George also said that the best way to combat terrorism is
to put a face on America. A "true face." Unfortunately the
only one the world sees is yours, George, and that is not
the true face. Not even close. And the people who booed you
and jeered you knew that. We can only hope that the rest of
the world knows that too. The leader of the free world, last
Monday, came across like an absolute idiot. He couldn't speak,
he couldn't make sense, he stumbled grammatically, and he
was justifiably jeered by a brave and fortunate few. And there
are multitudes waiting for the same opportunity. The leader
of the free world sounded like a stoned robot, except for
when he ventured off script. Then he sounded like Porky Pig.
Then he hauled off and said, "We're doing a good job of buttoning
up our country." Oh, I don't think so.
Button this, Mr. "President."
We're just getting warmed up.