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Calico
Cats Admit Fear of Attorney General
April 2, 2002
By Gil Christner
A new poll of calico cats across the country reveals that
a great majority of them are deathly afraid of Attorney General
John Ashcroft, many of them stating that he is, in fact, a
sign of the Devil.
A poll conducted by CNN/Time/Cat Fancy Magazine show that
over 52% of the calico cats questioned feel very afraid of
the Attorney General, and 36% are somewhat afraid. In addition,
cats of other varieties and colors also admit to a high "disliking
or feeling of avoidance towards" Mr. Ashcroft.
"Most calicos, while not necessarily religious by nature,
just feel a tremendous fear when confronted with the idea
of John Ashcroft," said Kitty Kelly, author of Pussy Galore
to Socks: The History of Felines in Political Intrigue. Miss
Kelly, who is not related to, but often confused with the
unofficial biographer of Nancy Reagan, insists that while
very few cats even believe in the Devil, the image of the
Attorney General unrestrained by the Constitution or other
laws of the land is enough to send most felines into a Pentecostal
delirium.
"I've seen calicos lose control of their bowels when confronted
by the idea of meeting Mr. Ashcroft," Miss Kelly said. "And
for a creature that habitually buries its feces, that can
be a very embarrassing situation.
Even worse, there have been reported cases of young kittens
actually dying of fear when Ashcroft appears on television
in the same room. Luckily for them, they have nine lives.
I'm just afraid they'll have to use most of them in the next
3 years of the Bush administration."
The poll also revealed that other breeds, including Persians,
short hairs, and even Siamese get their hackles raised when
Mr. Ashcroft's name is mentioned. "Strangely enough, only
those funky hairless cats that look like skinned weasels seem
immune to the Attorney General," mused Miss Kelly. "I guess
when you look like that, you don't have much left to worry
about."
The results of the CNN/Time/Cat Fancy Magazine Poll:
| Q.
How Afraid are You when You see Attorney General John
Ashcroft? |
| Very
Afraid |
52% |
| Somewhat
Afraid |
36% |
| Kind
of Nervous |
10% |
| Not
too Concerned |
1% |
| Bored
Stiff |
1% |
| Q.
Do You think Attorney General John Ashcroft is a Sign
of the Devil? |
| Yes
|
13% |
| Maybe |
62% |
| No |
9% |
| I'm
A Jewish Cat and We Don't Believe in the Devil |
16% |
| Q.
Do you think Attorney General John Ashcroft would Cover
a Nude Statue of a Cat, and if so, Would he be Justified
in Doing so? |
| Yes
|
67% |
| No |
21% |
| Never
Mind, just keep Moving that Pencil around in Circles and
let Me try to Catch It |
37% |
| Q.
Does it Bother you that the Numbers in the Last Question
Add up to Way More than 100%? |
| Yes
|
8% |
| No |
14% |
| I'm
a frickin' Cat, what do I know about Percentages? Sheesh,
Get a Clue |
78% |
Gil Christner is an actor and writer living in Los Angeles.
He's the guy on the IBM commercial running around yellig "Ned,
the servers, they stole all our servers!"
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