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Let's Do the Time Warp (again)
March 23, 2002
By Isaac Peterson

When I watch the news, read the newspaper, listen to hate radio, or check my e-mail, I have to wonder: are we stuck in some bizarre Star Trek time loop? Is it still the 1990s? Bill Clinton isn't still President, is he?

Just asking, because it seems I hear his name now more than when he was in the White House. That guy that came in second is living there now, right? (I know, I'm supposed to be "over it" by now. Fat chance.)

Ari Fleischer was just explaining how the last 17 months of violence in the Middle East is Clinton's fault. But hasn't the new guy been "in office" almost that whole time? I hear people saying that 9/11 was Clinton's fault, and the recession, too, even though somebody else was driving the bus.

I guess we're going to have to give the Big Dog credit for more than 8 years of peace and prosperity: it looks like Bill Clinton also invented The Time Release Presidency.

The new guy does something stupid? Blame it on the old guy!

Osama making you look like an idiot? That damned Clinton!

Clinton had Ken Lay sleep over at the White House! Wait...what was that? Oh. It was the new guy's dad? Oh, well, that's okay, then, long as it wasn't Clinton. That would have been wrong.

I am still waiting to hear a report that Bill and/or Hillary used White House keys they never turned in to sneak in one night and plant an unchewable pretzel for Huckleberry Hound to choke on.

There is no way to make the right's hair bleed faster than to even just mention Bill Cinton. It's a scientific fact - I looked it up. I have a sure-fire way to know when an article I've written was right on the mark: when I get e-mail from someone who disagrees with my criticism of the new administration, but all they can say is "Well, Bill Clinton lied about sex".

The economy? "Well, Bill Clinton lied about sex."

Tearing up the Constitution? "Well, Bill Clinton lied about sex."

Secret military tribunals? "Well, Bill Clinton..."

Bill Clinton evaded the truth, but he didn't commit perjury. (This one is true. Ask any competent lawyer.) But even if he did, and perjury is so serious, answer me this one if you're going to e-mail me - when is Mark Fuhrman's trial for his perjury in the OJ case scheduled? Or Paula Jones' for that matter?

If Clinton had really wanted to get the rabid dogs off his back, he could have done one simple thing: propose legislation that would require the right wing to hound, harass, prosecute and lie about him. Since their knee-jerk reaction to anything Clinton wanted was to do the opposite, they'd have backed right off. Left him alone completely.

Whitewater? No way - that's what he wants. Impeachment? Are you crazy? He wants us to do that, so we gotta back off. No way are we gonna touch that one.

Also scientific fact: there would be no Fox News Channel if there wasn't a Bill Clinton. No Tim Russert, no Kenneth Starr, no MSNBC (Make Sure Nobody Believes Clinton), no Hardball, no O'Reilly Factor, etc. The guy has not been president for over a year, and look what he still is doing for the economy. So, maybe the right-wing is just doing its patriotic duty.

They were on Clinton even before he started running for president and didn't let up the whole time he was in office. They are now going into their 10th year of Chicken Littleness. Seven of those 10 years they were spending $70 million dollars on a blowjob. Hey, aren't they supposed to be the ones who know the best way to spend a buck?

But now I think I have a clue about where some of this anger comes from. I know they're still pissed that Clinton beat the first Bush. They're pissed about him beating Dole, too. See, in '96, America elected the one that didn't need Viagra. And it wasn't their guy.

But seriously, why is the Axis of Weasels still digging dirt on the guy? Robert Ray (Ken Starr in short pants) just released the Independent Council's final report. Ray said that they had enough to prosecute the Big Dog, but they just didn't feel like it.

Or maybe it's just not as much fun any more. Maybe they're getting tired of doing their Wile E. Coyote impression and getting all their tricks from the ACME Co. Maybe they'll move on soon and mess with somebody who deserves it. Or at least someone they can beat at his own game.

To my friends on the other side: Clinton's not the president any more. Bush stole the election fair and square. Why are you acting like Sore Losermen? Get over it, huh?


Isacc Peterson is a (underpaid) wiseass in the Twin Cities. The opinions expressed are his and do not necessarily reflect those of John Ashcroft. Article title suggested by Fr. Mushroom.

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