Do the Time Warp (again)
March 23, 2002
By Isaac Peterson
When I watch the news, read the newspaper, listen to hate
radio, or check my e-mail, I have to wonder: are we stuck
in some bizarre Star Trek time loop? Is it still the 1990s?
Bill Clinton isn't still President, is he?
Just asking, because it seems I hear his name now more than
when he was in the White House. That guy that came in second
is living there now, right? (I know, I'm supposed to be "over
it" by now. Fat chance.)
Ari Fleischer was just explaining how the last 17 months
of violence in the Middle East is Clinton's fault. But hasn't
the new guy been "in office" almost that whole time? I hear
people saying that 9/11 was Clinton's fault, and the recession,
too, even though somebody else was driving the bus.
I guess we're going to have to give the Big Dog credit for
more than 8 years of peace and prosperity: it looks like Bill
Clinton also invented The Time Release Presidency.
The new guy does something stupid? Blame it on the old guy!
Osama making you look like an idiot? That damned Clinton!
Clinton had Ken Lay sleep over at the White House! Wait...what
was that? Oh. It was the new guy's dad? Oh, well, that's okay,
then, long as it wasn't Clinton. That would have been wrong.
I am still waiting to hear a report that Bill and/or Hillary
used White House keys they never turned in to sneak in one
night and plant an unchewable pretzel for Huckleberry Hound
to choke on.
There is no way to make the right's hair bleed faster than
to even just mention Bill Cinton. It's a scientific fact -
I looked it up. I have a sure-fire way to know when an article
I've written was right on the mark: when I get e-mail from
someone who disagrees with my criticism of the new administration,
but all they can say is "Well, Bill Clinton lied about sex".
The economy? "Well, Bill Clinton lied about sex."
Tearing up the Constitution? "Well, Bill Clinton lied about
Secret military tribunals? "Well, Bill Clinton..."
Bill Clinton evaded the truth, but he didn't commit perjury.
(This one is true. Ask any competent lawyer.) But even if
he did, and perjury is so serious, answer me this one if you're
going to e-mail me - when is Mark Fuhrman's trial for his
perjury in the OJ case scheduled? Or Paula Jones' for that
If Clinton had really wanted to get the rabid dogs off his
back, he could have done one simple thing: propose legislation
that would require the right wing to hound, harass, prosecute
and lie about him. Since their knee-jerk reaction to anything
Clinton wanted was to do the opposite, they'd have backed
right off. Left him alone completely.
Whitewater? No way - that's what he wants. Impeachment? Are
you crazy? He wants us to do that, so we gotta back off. No
way are we gonna touch that one.
Also scientific fact: there would be no Fox News Channel
if there wasn't a Bill Clinton. No Tim Russert, no Kenneth
Starr, no MSNBC (Make Sure Nobody Believes Clinton), no Hardball,
no O'Reilly Factor, etc. The guy has not been president for
over a year, and look what he still is doing for the economy.
So, maybe the right-wing is just doing its patriotic duty.
They were on Clinton even before he started running for president
and didn't let up the whole time he was in office. They are
now going into their 10th year of Chicken Littleness. Seven
of those 10 years they were spending $70 million dollars on
a blowjob. Hey, aren't they supposed to be the ones who know
the best way to spend a buck?
But now I think I have a clue about where some of this anger
comes from. I know they're still pissed that Clinton beat
the first Bush. They're pissed about him beating Dole, too.
See, in '96, America elected the one that didn't need Viagra.
And it wasn't their guy.
But seriously, why is the Axis of Weasels still digging dirt
on the guy? Robert Ray (Ken Starr in short pants) just released
the Independent Council's final report. Ray said that they
had enough to prosecute the Big Dog, but they just didn't
feel like it.
Or maybe it's just not as much fun any more. Maybe they're
getting tired of doing their Wile E. Coyote impression and
getting all their tricks from the ACME Co. Maybe they'll move
on soon and mess with somebody who deserves it. Or at least
someone they can beat at his own game.
To my friends on the other side: Clinton's not the president
any more. Bush stole the election fair and square. Why are
you acting like Sore Losermen? Get over it, huh?
Isacc Peterson is a (underpaid) wiseass in the Twin Cities.
The opinions expressed are his and do not necessarily reflect
those of John Ashcroft. Article title suggested by Fr. Mushroom.