Jesus H. Ashcroft
March 2, 2002
By W. David Jenkins III

I remember as a kid being held responsible for the antics of the class clown. Just because one idiot in the class chose to shoot off his mouth or act up, we would all be held responsible. Nobody wanted to rat on the big mouth, so we all took our punishment. Everybody would hate the little brat for what we had to endure, but we did it anyway. That's just the way it was.

Although we didn't agree with what the clown may have said and he made the whole class look bad, we kept our mouths shut. This grade school mentality is the only way I can seem to rationalize why the Christian community or God her/himself hasn't used Attorney General John Ashcroft for lightning bolt practice by now.

Granted, we have nobody to blame for this religious yahoo but the spineless souls posing in the Senate as Democrats. I'm sure we all remember the outrage we all felt about a year ago. Not only had the corrupt Supreme Court pulled down their pants in the face of Florida voters' rights, but now the result of their labor was appointing a fanatic separatist as the nations' top cop. We screamed, we hollered and we hoped that the folks representing the majority wouldn't let us down. And they failed miserably.

So now, a year and a horrible attack later, we have the representative of American Justice saying that God approves of everything they are doing to combat the war on terrorism. John-Boy says that anything we have to do to protect freedom is okay 'cause God has "endowed us" with that right.

Apparently, the Reverend Ashcroft has it on good authority that we are the good guys and anybody we feel compelled to bomb or invade are the bad guys. God says it's fine with Him according to America's equivalent of Chief of Keystone Kopdome. Got that, kids? Just give Rev. John a little time and he'll find that long hidden 11th commandment hiding in the same mountain as Cheney that says "Thou shalt not question John Ashcroft about how God thinks." Could we please rewind the tape a little bit and remember just who Ashcroft is?

Back in November 2000, the voters of Missouri had to make a decision. They had to choose between the good reverend or they could cast their vote for a guy who was dead. They had endured the likes of Ashcroft in various government positions over the years, so they took a deep breath, cast their vote and the majority of the great state of Missouri felt that the dead guy was better than Ashcroft.

Reverend Ashcroft has long opposed the separation of church and state but he endorsed the separation of the races, at least amongst the children of Missouri. This self proclaimed champion of Jesus is a major cheerleader for capital punishment while pitching fits over a woman's right to choose. This religious zealot sat in front of the Senate confirmation committee and swore up and down that his theology and ideology would have no bearing on his behavior should he be appointed. And the floppy backsides masquerading as senators bought it. Now look at this mess.

We are saddled with a maniac who fears calico cats. That's right, kids. The guy who is responsible for protecting the rights of America's citizens is convinced that calico cats are the sign of the devil. This laughable revelation came to light when an Ashcroft advance team showed up back in November at the American embassy in the Hague. Apparently, some of them became nervous when they noticed an undisclosed amount of cats roaming the premises. Seems as though the team was relieved to find out they weren't calico cats for fear that Ashcroft might pull a Cheney and have a massive coronary.

Then, of course, we've learned the man has a thing about mammaries. Well, actually, nudity in any form. Now I can be somewhat sympathetic. Many Republicans have a problem with the naked body. Of course, that could be largely due to the fact that most Republicans should never be seen naked.

They know that and we know that, so I can sort of understand why they might have a complex about such things. But for a top government official to be sexually intimidated by a statue? And then to turn around and charge us taxpayers over eight grand to cover them up because he has a problem with it? That's right. The top cop went out and bought curtains to cover up the "Spirit of Justice" statue and her male counterpart (also inappropriately dressed), "Majesty of Law." Y'know, as silly as it all seems, metaphorically speaking, it doesn't get any better than that.

Of course, let's not forget that after the horrific events of 9/11, John was steadfast in keeping his priorities straight. While everybody else was worried about terrorism, flying to Gramma's for the holidays and waiting for Dubya to give folks the green light to go shopping again, Reverend John was doing his part to fight the "Evil Doers" by shutting down medicinal marijuana clinics and making sure that the people in Oregon would not have the option to die with dignity. Luckily, the states he targeted had more spine than the Democrats in Congress and basically directed Ashcroft to their backsides for a kissing contest.

Let's not forget, of course, this fanatic's Crusade to eliminate the civil rights of Arab-Americans (the rest of us are probably next), his sanctimonious admonition to Congress with regards to the "if you question me or my bosses you give comfort to the terrorists" remark. Oh, then there's the matter of John Walker. Y'know, it's bad enough that the media is giving Walker the name "Johnny Taliban", but just how is this guy supposed to get a fair trial before a jury of his peers in conservative, upstate Virginia? Especially before a judge who's a friend of the good Reverend? Oh well, I guess "God" figures it's okay.

I guess that's the thing that keeps bugging me. Who in the wide world of sports gave Ashcroft or any of this administration the right to speak for God? And why aren't the real Christians speaking up about it? I don't mean the repressive Pentecostals or the Religious Right (oxymoron, anyone?), I'm talking about the actual Christians out there. There are leaders out there abusing Christianity in the same way bin Laden has abused Muslim doctrine. George does it, Dick does it and John keeps doing it. Jesus H. Ashcroft, seems like all Republicans do it. Has it ever dawned on any of these yahoos that based upon their stance, their policies and their rhetoric that registering as a Republican would be the last thing God would do? C'mon already.

Let's put it into simple logic. George Carlin had a perfect phrase in an old routine he used to do which relates to all this. Basically, if you were God, would you want people like this speaking for you?