By W. David Jenkins III
remember as a kid being held responsible for the antics of
the class clown. Just because one idiot in the class chose
to shoot off his mouth or act up, we would all be held responsible.
Nobody wanted to rat on the big mouth, so we all took our
punishment. Everybody would hate the little brat for what
we had to endure, but we did it anyway. That's just the way
Although we didn't agree with what the clown may have said
and he made the whole class look bad, we kept our mouths shut.
This grade school mentality is the only way I can seem to
rationalize why the Christian community or God her/himself
hasn't used Attorney General John Ashcroft for lightning bolt
practice by now.
Granted, we have nobody to blame for this religious yahoo
but the spineless souls posing in the Senate as Democrats.
I'm sure we all remember the outrage we all felt about a year
ago. Not only had the corrupt Supreme Court pulled down their
pants in the face of Florida voters' rights, but now the result
of their labor was appointing a fanatic separatist as the
nations' top cop. We screamed, we hollered and we hoped that
the folks representing the majority wouldn't let us down.
And they failed miserably.
So now, a year and a horrible attack later, we have the representative
of American Justice saying that God approves of everything
they are doing to combat the war on terrorism. John-Boy says
that anything we have to do to protect freedom is okay 'cause
God has "endowed us" with that right.
Apparently, the Reverend Ashcroft has it on good authority
that we are the good guys and anybody we feel compelled to
bomb or invade are the bad guys. God says it's fine with Him
according to America's equivalent of Chief of Keystone Kopdome.
Got that, kids? Just give Rev. John a little time and he'll
find that long hidden 11th commandment hiding in the same
mountain as Cheney that says "Thou shalt not question John
Ashcroft about how God thinks." Could we please rewind the
tape a little bit and remember just who Ashcroft is?
Back in November 2000, the voters of Missouri had to make
a decision. They had to choose between the good reverend or
they could cast their vote for a guy who was dead. They had
endured the likes of Ashcroft in various government positions
over the years, so they took a deep breath, cast their vote
and the majority of the great state of Missouri felt that
the dead guy was better than Ashcroft.
Reverend Ashcroft has long opposed the separation of church
and state but he endorsed the separation of the races, at
least amongst the children of Missouri. This self proclaimed
champion of Jesus is a major cheerleader for capital punishment
while pitching fits over a woman's right to choose. This religious
zealot sat in front of the Senate confirmation committee and
swore up and down that his theology and ideology would have
no bearing on his behavior should he be appointed. And the
floppy backsides masquerading as senators bought it. Now look
at this mess.
We are saddled with a maniac who fears calico cats. That's
right, kids. The guy who is responsible for protecting the
rights of America's citizens is convinced that calico cats
are the sign of the devil. This laughable revelation came
to light when an Ashcroft advance team showed up back in November
at the American embassy in the Hague. Apparently, some of
them became nervous when they noticed an undisclosed amount
of cats roaming the premises. Seems as though the team was
relieved to find out they weren't calico cats for fear that
Ashcroft might pull a Cheney and have a massive coronary.
Then, of course, we've learned the man has a thing about
mammaries. Well, actually, nudity in any form. Now I can be
somewhat sympathetic. Many Republicans have a problem with
the naked body. Of course, that could be largely due to the
fact that most Republicans should never be seen naked.
They know that and we know that, so I can sort of understand
why they might have a complex about such things. But for a
top government official to be sexually intimidated by a statue?
And then to turn around and charge us taxpayers over eight
grand to cover them up because he has a problem with it? That's
right. The top cop went out and bought curtains to cover up
the "Spirit of Justice" statue and her male counterpart (also
inappropriately dressed), "Majesty of Law." Y'know, as silly
as it all seems, metaphorically speaking, it doesn't get any
better than that.
Of course, let's not forget that after the horrific events
of 9/11, John was steadfast in keeping his priorities straight.
While everybody else was worried about terrorism, flying to
Gramma's for the holidays and waiting for Dubya to give folks
the green light to go shopping again, Reverend John was doing
his part to fight the "Evil Doers" by shutting down medicinal
marijuana clinics and making sure that the people in Oregon
would not have the option to die with dignity. Luckily, the
states he targeted had more spine than the Democrats in Congress
and basically directed Ashcroft to their backsides for a kissing
Let's not forget, of course, this fanatic's Crusade to eliminate
the civil rights of Arab-Americans (the rest of us are probably
next), his sanctimonious admonition to Congress with regards
to the "if you question me or my bosses you give comfort to
the terrorists" remark. Oh, then there's the matter of John
Walker. Y'know, it's bad enough that the media is giving Walker
the name "Johnny Taliban", but just how is this guy supposed
to get a fair trial before a jury of his peers in conservative,
upstate Virginia? Especially before a judge who's a friend
of the good Reverend? Oh well, I guess "God" figures it's
I guess that's the thing that keeps bugging me. Who in the
wide world of sports gave Ashcroft or any of this administration
the right to speak for God? And why aren't the real Christians
speaking up about it? I don't mean the repressive Pentecostals
or the Religious Right (oxymoron, anyone?), I'm talking about
the actual Christians out there. There are leaders out there
abusing Christianity in the same way bin Laden has abused
Muslim doctrine. George does it, Dick does it and John keeps
doing it. Jesus H. Ashcroft, seems like all Republicans do
it. Has it ever dawned on any of these yahoos that based upon
their stance, their policies and their rhetoric that registering
as a Republican would be the last thing God would do? C'mon
Let's put it into simple logic. George Carlin had a perfect
phrase in an old routine he used to do which relates to all
this. Basically, if you were God, would you want people like
this speaking for you?