Authorities Suspect Foul Play
February 24, 2002
By Paul Winkelmann

"A woman's body was found in the ocean, bound and gagged, with her throat slashed...authorities suspect foul play."

Many years ago an anchorman once uttered these words. Viewers laughed at this ghoulish miscue while news producers across the country cringed. Foul play? No shit!

Well, get ready to laugh again.

Enron's cash filled tentacles were spotted stuffing Bush's wallet with thousand dollar bills...nearly every regulation Enron ever asked for, Bush got passed...Enron acted as Bush's personal headhunting service...Enron made frantic midnight death-throw calls to, by this time, wary and unusually uncooperative Bush cabinet members...The press uncovers lovingly personal notes between Bush and Enron CEO Kenneth Lay.

"Authorities suspect no foul play."

No, not the Democratic authorities. They have fully grasped the political implications of this situation. It's the GOP. The best we can coerce out of them is a begrudgingly whispered admission that this is merely a business scandal, but definitely, definitely, definitely, not political. Not political?

Not too long ago we had Republican Congressmen tripping over themselves trying to politically criminalize consensual sex in the work place. To prove their point, they were shooting innocent farm produce, recruiting secret-agent wanna-bes from secretarial pools, and pontificating their disgust that children had to hear all about the intimate details of the president's personal life, that they themselves demanded be publicized.

They were sure they had a slam-dunk criminal case on Clinton. All they needed was some evidence...and a crime. To date, they've produced neither.

Enron has given the GOP that 100% guaranteed two-pointer they've been searching for. But they're tired of playing and want to lie down on the bench for now. Even a ladder-assisted, Air Jordan-like jam requires too much effort from the Speaker of the House or the Senate Minority Leader.

Enron's retirement plans and Cayman Island partnerships were found dead in the Rose Garden, but the GOP compassionately decides that they don't want to jump to any hasty conclusions. At least not without a confession from the corpse. The victim used its spilt blood to sketch out a "W", accompanied by an arrow pointing towards the Oval Office, yet Republicans can't see how this crime is politically relevant.

It isn't? Did somebody recently decriminalize the bribing of public officials?

Lott, Hastert, and Novak can't (or won't ) connect the dots...What dots?...I don't see any dots...Let's discuss missing White House doilies.

Most importantly, they have established a united front, pretending that every energy magnate, including Kenneth Lay, didn't have an off-shore account right in the Oval Office. With high volume discounts, I might add.

But we all know the truth. It was a regular Million-Millionaire March on the White House.

So begins the two-pronged campaign of deception and misdirection.

First the deception:

Famous blabbermouth columnist Robert Novak wrote, "Democrats have not been dissuaded by failure to discover administration complicity in the scandalous behavior of Enron's top brass." "Failure to discover administration complicity?"

The only evidence the Democrats don't have on Dubya is an actual videotape of him endorsing Lay's campaign contribution checks at the exact same moment he was signing off on Lay's newest tax rebate. It seems the Republicans will settle for nothing less. Come on, I mean Bush can't even watch TV and eat munchies at the same time, so what are the odds of us catching him on film, in the act of such a feat of ambidexterity? They've got to be astronomical.

Its "McCarthyism," Novak weeps uncontrollably.

No, McCarthyism involved harassing, threatening, and interrogating innocent citizens until they gave up names of other innocent citizens. So far, we've seen neither hide nor hair of any mistreated Enron/Anderson innocents. In fact, several witnesses have been treated very kindly. But they weren't the ones who were known purchasers of government offices and regulations.

Novak even had the gall to lambaste Rep. Henry Waxman because Waxman freely admitted he got some of his damning evidence from "the press". Apparently it's Waxman's fault that Enron officials have made themselves mute before Congress and that company whistleblowers are clamoring to speak with the press, detailing how their former employers screwed them (and everyone else).

By the way, Mr. Novak, aren't you a member of "the press?" So I can kinda see your point...you fucking shill.

Not convinced yet? How bout if the Great Oil Party tries to outflank you with the other prong?...Misdirection: (or as it's better known on the playground as, "Look, your shoe is untied.")

Clinton got Enron money. Terry McAuliffe got rich on Global Crossing. Hillary took White House knick-knacks. All are probably true, but where's the relevance? And what's the charge, officer?

If the Republicans want to go after Clinton for getting Enron money, they should put up or shut up. I would personally love it if they set up all their evidence against Clinton in a pile, then the Democrats could bring in their fleet of garbage trucks to deposit their inventory of evidence against Bush. We could then have a good old-fashion duplicity competition, based entirely on the quality of the stench emanating from each stack. Sure, Clinton's entry might tweak the nose a bit, but the putrid odor coming off Bush's heap would knock the proverbial buzzard off the proverbial shit wagon.

And go after McAuliffe if you'd like. Please...do it, do it now, I dare you. He made lots of money off of Global Crossing stocks. Of course the Republicans haven't been able to provide any proof that his investment transactions were anything except legal and above board. He wasn't an insider. He couldn't enact any regulations. He didn't hire Global's employees. McAuliffe did, however, make some good coin, and that's really all the conservatives can come up with.

They are trying to initiate some class warfare. Portray McAuliffe as a Republican-like tycoon in the hopes that we will crucify him for being so GOP. Sorry, but contrary to the myth, we Liberals don't really hate all wealthy people, we just hate all wealthy people who steal money from us. McAuliffe stands accused of having good business instincts, and nothing more. Better try something else Mr. Lott.

Speaking of Global...didn't Poppy Bush make a timely killing on their stock, right before it crumbled? Quite a few million as I recall. But why confuse everyone with facts? No time for that, we've got to be misdirected some more.

"Over here, over here, look at us, we're doing the White House furniture shuffle again." Hillary took this, Hillary took that, they destroyed the White House offices, they vandalized Air Force One. Is that so? That's not what the GAO concluded. Their investigation exposed the accusations for what they were, minor infractions blown out of proportion and out and out Republican lies.

But why should that halt the inquisition? What, just because Bill and Hillary were found innocent already? Quick, get Mr. Starr. I heard Bill was watching a pirated broadcast of the Playboy Channel. That's good for another six-month's worth of congressional inquiries. Hey, if Double Jeopardy is good enough for Alec Trebek, it's good enough for the Clintons.

So, have they succeeded? Are you sufficiently deceived and misdirected yet? Sorry, I didn't mean to insult your intelligence but I had to ask.

Yeah, the entire planet knows what really happened here but the Republicans have committed themselves. They're stuck going down the path of deception or the path of misdirection. It's a fatal course but they have to take it. They know they can't go with the truth. That Dubya, Lay, Cheney, and the rest of Bush's crew, were all caught red-handed, covered from head to toe in corporate and political greed, crouched over the bound and gagged corpse of Enron. It wouldn't play well on the evening news.

"Authorities suspect foul play." Well, no shit!