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Real FBI Warning - This Time We Mean It!
February 14, 2002
by Eddie Ruff

Warning - a lot of people may die today in horrible, unforgettable terrorist attacks that will be plastered all over every channel of the television. This will be one of your many warnings. Keep tuned to this spot to stay warned throughout the duration of the President's war on terrorism. This may take awhile. Heed our warning. A word to the wise is sufficient. A stitch in time saves nine.

The following information was disseminated inappropriately to law enforcement agencies around the United States and throughout the world (who then released it to the general public, with no thought of distracting people from Bush/Enron and no intent to panic anybody):

As a result of covert, top secret U.S. military operations in Afghanistan you're not supposed to know about and on-going interviews and beatings of abused detainees in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, information has become available regarding some real, live threats to U.S. interests (we really mean it this time, we know we were wrong about the bridges in California and stuff, but this time, for sure).

Recent information indicates a planned attack may really, truly, actually occur in the United States or against U.S. interests in the country of Yemen on or around 02/14/02 (Omigod - thats today!! But dont panic. Dont panic. For God's sake dont panic!!!!).

One or more operatives may be involved in the attack, including Abdul Abul-bul Amir, also known as that bad guy from the Popeye cartoon. Amir is believed to be a figment of a writers imagination, yet he is no less a threat. He may be traveling on a flying carpet.

Other Abul-bul Amir aka's include Genie, Aladdin, Nissan Pulsar, Volkswagen Rabbit, Falafel w/Ribs (Salame, Salame, Boloney), Fork-in the Coffee, Fork-in George Takei, Fork You Buddy, Kareem Abdul Jabbar, Tyson the Chicken, Shaq Attaq, Freddies Dead Thats What I Sa'id, Mustang II, and Salem Witch Hunt.

Abul-bul Amirs current whereabouts are unknown. He may be deceased. In which case you can stop looking out. But if he is in fact alive, be afraid. Be very afraid.

Few physical descriptors for Shaq are available at this time. Watch C-SPAN and ESPN for details. He weighs over 300 pounds. (And what a mean slam-dunk!)

Below are known associates of Shaq. Currently, no physical descriptors are known. And no one is quite sure what a descriptor is, either, physical or otherwise. We think it means description. Why didnt we just say that? Because then you might understand it. It wouldnt be government-ese enough. We thought about making it so you little ants could understand, but then we thought naah. You can just stay confused. Who cares.

Name Year Sign
magic carpet johnson, aka slam dunk 1977 leo
new nissan sentra, you need this car 1977 taurus
aladdin sane, that weird bowie album 1970 cricket
bashyer headin and stabya w/scissors/yeahyeah 1970 christmas
alberto balsam vo5/mickey mousey 1976 pluto
muhammad ali flotin lika buterfly/house of salad 1975 jiminy
mustafa ibra him, hey!! unknown ceasar salad
hassen bin sober (had a few too many!) 1969 apollo
volkswagen scirocco 1977 fivespeed
shakeem alajuwon alkeep holden on/saudi arabia 1976 saturn
weird marketing trick/sandy arabia 1968 yield

Other might-be associates, who just might attack, maybe today, but we're not sure, with no photo available, or any other relevant, pertinent information, include the following possibly fictitious individuals:

Name Year Nationality
abraham lincoln unknown unknown (possibly illinoisian)
queen amidala unknown unknown (possibly wookie)
jar jar binks unknown tatooine
amen said brother mohammed/salad days or soup 1968 ameni

All individuals should be considered extremely dangerous. Check their shoes especially. Heck - why take a chance - check their socks, too.

The United States government is seeking information regarding the identities and whereabouts of the individuals shown above. If they really exist. If they are, however, fictitious, merely ignore this warning as you've learned to do from all the others we've given. The sky is falling. Wolf. Wolf.

If you have any information concerning these people, please contact your mother, or the nearest pretender to the presidential office, or rat off one of your ex-friends via the FBI tips and public leads form. Thank you, and have a wonderful day - if you don't die in a horrible terrorist attack.

Signed,

Your friendly local FBI office.

We love you, man.


Eddie earned his B.A. in Political Science from Cal State and is currently studying law in California.

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