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Real
FBI Warning - This Time We Mean It!
February
14, 2002
by Eddie Ruff
 Warning
- a lot of people may die today in horrible, unforgettable
terrorist attacks that will be plastered all over every channel
of the television. This will be one of your many warnings.
Keep tuned to this spot to stay warned throughout the duration
of the President's war on terrorism. This may take awhile.
Heed our warning. A word to the wise is sufficient. A stitch
in time saves nine.
The following information was disseminated inappropriately
to law enforcement agencies around the United States and throughout
the world (who then released it to the general public, with
no thought of distracting people from Bush/Enron and no intent
to panic anybody):
As a result
of covert, top secret U.S. military operations in Afghanistan
you're not supposed to know about and on-going interviews
and beatings of abused detainees in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba,
information has become available regarding some real, live
threats to U.S. interests (we really mean it this time, we
know we were wrong about the bridges in California and stuff,
but this time, for sure).
Recent information
indicates a planned attack may really, truly, actually occur
in the United States or against U.S. interests in the country
of Yemen on or around 02/14/02 (Omigod - thats today!! But
dont panic. Dont panic. For God's sake dont panic!!!!).
One or more
operatives may be involved in the attack, including Abdul
Abul-bul Amir, also known as that bad guy from the Popeye
cartoon. Amir is believed to be a figment of a writers imagination,
yet he is no less a threat. He may be traveling on a flying
carpet.
Other Abul-bul
Amir aka's include Genie, Aladdin, Nissan Pulsar, Volkswagen
Rabbit, Falafel w/Ribs (Salame, Salame, Boloney), Fork-in
the Coffee, Fork-in George Takei, Fork You Buddy, Kareem Abdul
Jabbar, Tyson the Chicken, Shaq Attaq, Freddies Dead Thats
What I Sa'id, Mustang II, and Salem Witch Hunt.
Abul-bul
Amirs current whereabouts are unknown. He may be deceased.
In which case you can stop looking out. But if he is in fact
alive, be afraid. Be very afraid.
Few physical
descriptors for Shaq are available at this time. Watch C-SPAN
and ESPN for details. He weighs over 300 pounds. (And what
a mean slam-dunk!)
Below are
known associates of Shaq. Currently, no physical descriptors
are known. And no one is quite sure what a descriptor is,
either, physical or otherwise. We think it means description.
Why didnt we just say that? Because then you might understand
it. It wouldnt be government-ese enough. We thought about
making it so you little ants could understand, but then we
thought naah. You can just stay confused. Who cares.
| Name |
Year |
Sign |
| magic
carpet johnson, aka slam dunk |
1977 |
leo |
| new
nissan sentra, you need this car |
1977 |
taurus |
| aladdin
sane, that weird bowie album |
1970 |
cricket |
| bashyer
headin and stabya w/scissors/yeahyeah |
1970 |
christmas |
| alberto
balsam vo5/mickey mousey |
1976 |
pluto |
| muhammad
ali flotin lika buterfly/house of salad |
1975 |
jiminy |
| mustafa
ibra him, hey!! |
unknown |
ceasar
salad |
| hassen
bin sober (had a few too many!) |
1969 |
apollo |
| volkswagen
scirocco |
1977 |
fivespeed |
| shakeem
alajuwon alkeep holden on/saudi arabia |
1976 |
saturn |
| weird
marketing trick/sandy arabia |
1968 |
yield |
Other might-be
associates, who just might attack, maybe today, but we're
not sure, with no photo available, or any other relevant,
pertinent information, include the following possibly fictitious
individuals:
| Name |
Year |
Nationality |
| abraham
lincoln |
unknown |
unknown
(possibly illinoisian) |
| queen
amidala |
unknown |
unknown
(possibly wookie) |
| jar
jar binks |
unknown |
tatooine |
| amen
said brother mohammed/salad days or soup |
1968 |
ameni |
All individuals
should be considered extremely dangerous. Check their shoes
especially. Heck - why take a chance - check their socks,
too.
The United
States government is seeking information regarding the identities
and whereabouts of the individuals shown above. If they really
exist. If they are, however, fictitious, merely ignore this
warning as you've learned to do from all the others we've
given. The sky is falling. Wolf. Wolf.
If you have
any information concerning these people, please contact your
mother, or the nearest pretender to the presidential office,
or rat off one of your ex-friends via the FBI tips and public
leads form. Thank you, and have a wonderful day - if you don't
die in a horrible terrorist attack.
Signed,
Your friendly
local FBI office.
We love
you, man.
Eddie earned his B.A. in Political Science from Cal State
and is currently studying law in California.
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