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News
From the Department of Compassion
February
6, 2002
by Anthony G. Hendricks
The Department of Compassion, formally known as The Labor
Department, announced today release of a training video to
assist laid off, downsized, and Enronized workers. Enronized
workers are those workers left holding the bag after corrupt
management managed the company into bankruptcy making the
worker’s 401k’s nearly worthless. This video is not for executives
or CEO’s or upper management, as they typically pay themselves
huge bonuses and sell their stock before the bottom falls
out. Plus they have a huge safety net; they can always rely
on the government to help them out. In fact this video has
been put together by former Enron executives and managers
who now work for the Department of Compassion. Enough background,
let’s get to the exciting news.
The video is titled: ‘From Middle class to Peasant, How to
Make the Transition’. The video first brings us into the Life
of George, a typical white middle class male who loses his
job at age fifty, when the company ships his job overseas
to take advantage of slave labor. When we first meet George,
he’s just received his pink slip and is contemplating suicide
or going postal. A life long member of the NRA and Republican
party he can’t understand how this could happen to him. George
feels that maybe he’s not being treated fairly. Normally he’d
blame a Democrat or other wily commie leaning socialist type,
but with Republicans occupying the White House and in control
of Congress and in control of the Supreme Court, he has no
one to use as a scapegoat.
Here’s where the video cuts in, a wise monkey in a little
hat hops up onto George’s desk and says, ‘George that’s wrong,
just say no to suicide or going postal, I’m here to tell you
that you too can make the adjustment to peasantry and learn
to beg for peanuts just like me.’
“How am I going to make payments on my truck and house?”
“You’re not. Oh you’ll try, but being over forty-five the
only jobs available to you will be part time without benefits.
Yes, you too can be one of those happy employees working part
time at minimum wage at a humongous retail chain. Look on
the bright side, the 40 hour work week will be a thing of
the past.”
“Where will I live?”
“In trees like me. Or a cardboard refrigerator box, although
the rent on those is rising.”
“I’ve never lived like that, I was born and raised in a Ranch
house with three bedrooms and two toilets.”
“Well George, you know there is a war on and everybody has
got to make sacrifices.”
“I don’t see everybody making sacrifices. How come the executives
got a bonus?”
“They got a bonus George because they cut your job, along
with thousands more like you and sent those jobs over seas,
where starving people will work for practically nothing. You
should be grateful to be living in America land of the free
and the brave.”
“I don’t feel grateful anymore, I used to, I used to feel
real grateful.”
“Becoming a peasant’s not so bad; to help you make the transition,
the Department of Compassion is donating to you 100 gallons
of the cheapest wine we could buy from a Big Campaign Contributor.”
Suddenly George took the Department of Compassion Monkey
by the neck and throttled it. The video cut out at that point.
The Department of Compassion says they are now working on
a new video. They’ve decided that a robot might be a better
trainer than a monkey. They believe a computerized robot can
deliver the desired message without arousing as much anger.
The head on the robot looks exactly like a television set.
A television with rabbit ears. We’ll review the new video
when available. Until then, the middle class will have to
struggle in making the transition to peasantry on their own.
Good Luck!
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