CollegeDudeNews
State
of the Union - the First Draft
January 15, 2002
by Mark W. Brown
REISTERSTOWN, Md. - CollegeDudeNews has recently acquired an exclusive insider document from an anonymous source at the White House who has asked to be identified only as "Token Black". It is what appears to be the first draft of White House Resident George W. Bush Jr.'s State of the Union Address. CDN has attempted to verify the authenticity of the document as it seems unlikely that Bush would take such an initiative. However, these efforts netted inconclusive results. We have transcribed the document and the attached note as accurately as possible to allow our readers to make their own judgment. Here at CollegeDudeNews, we report, you decide.
- The Staff
Text of attached note from informant "Token Black":
The Boss said he wrote this last time he ran off and left the rest of us to deal with all of the poor decisions he has made. Karl and Karen laughed at him and told him to never try writing a speech again. I figured you could use it more than the incinerator. God, why did I agree to put up with this crap?
- Token Black
P.S. Please keep my name anonymous and don't try to guess who I am. Thanks.
Text of supposed first draft of State of the Union Address:
King George II
President George Dubya W. Bush Jr.'s Address Before a Joint
Session of the Congress on the State of My the Union
To be for January 29, 2002
Denny, Dickie, Republicans,
rich friends, my fella Republicans: Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President,
Members of Congress, honoraried guests, my fella Americans:
I come before you
tonight to address the state of the union, a task that I am proud to undertake.
Thanks largely to my efforts and the efforts of fellow Republicans, the state
of the union is the worst that it has ever been. We have done as we set out
to do and painted all union members as money-grubbing Communists who are interested
in only themselves. In a series of orders, we have stopped striking unions to
keep from hurting our rich constituency, we have slowed union influence country-wide,
and we have demonized all of them to advance our reactimonary agenda. We hope
to continue to hurt the union in the upcoming year, something that is sure to
benefit all rich Americans greatly.
There's no doubt about it,
the past is history. So it doesn't matter that in 2001, 1.8 million Americans
lost their jobs, because all of them were obviously lazy Democrats or they'd
have voted for me and I wouldn't have had to have my brother and my
Daddy's freinds steal the election. Besides, who cares what they think?
I bet most of them were blacks and Mexicans and Spanics and women and fags
flamers homosexuels, and everybody knows that none of them
are worth anything anyway. Our economy is better than it has ever been, with
our rich folks getting richer and our poor folks getting poorer thanks to the
tax cuts that I just had Karl and Karen write for me and Denny and Trent shove
through Congress for me.
Besides, 2001 was a fabulous
year. I got to hang out with my friends far more than I had to work, and I appointed
all sorts of people that my Daddy told me to appoint, like Rummy and Johnnie
and Christie. And I made $250,000 as salary plus all of that money that
the oil companies and energy companies gave me. I didn't give 10% to
God like I was supposed to, but He knows that I'm with him because I talk about
him a lot even though I never read the Bible. My own church yelled at
me but they're just a bunch of liberels who were never born again anyway.
But 2002 will be even better.
My fella Republicans
Americans, the state of the Union is a... one of those really big words that
sounds pretty but has no substance and is a lie anyway. Yeah. But the state
of the Republican Party is great, and that's all that matters to me. Well, that
and what my Daddy tells me is important.
The real credit belongs to
my Daddy, and his old 'boss' Ronnie, who opened the door for makin' President
Clinton look like he was a bad man for being a good President. My gratetude
gratitude goes to my Daddy's friends on the Supremo Ct. for getting
me this job Osama bin Laden for helping me get high approval
ratings good Christians who helped get me elected.
Thanks to my friends on the
Tee Vee, it's like year started with Septembeer 11th, so all of the stuff that
happened before it, like my appointing Donny Boy and Johnnie and not releasing
Ronnie's papers 'cause of all the bad stuff it said about my Daddy.
And when they told me to stop giving federel funds to oversees groups who help
with abortions, although I don't know why because I made my girlfreind
have an abortion once a long time ago I did, but that's because God
says they're bad. I forget where, but he says that, I know he does. Or what
happened in Calefornia, which wasn't really that bad because everyone made lots
of money and that's what it's really about. Or all of those folks who yell about
the Isrealis and the Palesteneans and that I should make them stop fighting,
even though it's good for business and Christians if they fight, and that's
what it's really all about. There was all that other stuff too that happened
while I was at my ranch but if the world has a problem with that I don't care
what they think.
I'd like to take a moment
to thank everyone who has done a service for me their country
over the past year, including people like the five Supremo Ct. members who voted
for me, and my brother and his freinds, and everyone who let me get
away with lying about everything and people like Bob Boudelang, who
are Great Amercan Patriots in and out. Let's all clap Bob now, for being the
epotime of what we all should act like, waving flags and praising Republicans
and shooting guns through their neighbore's roofs and let's
boo all of the Democrats while we're at it, because they're all mean and make
sense and tell people when I lie instead of cover it up like my Daddy always
did.
Don't forget that God is watching over America, because he has to be since I'm the President and God made me the President, and that's a really comforting thought. That's what Johnnie always says, anyway, and he says, "Bush, it smells like CALICO in here. Do you know why?" I don't know what that means, but it sure sounds impotent, don't you think? (Here's where I wait for lafter, he he)
I wrote this speach myself so my hand is starting to hurt so I'm going to stop writing now.
Keep buying flags and voting for Republicans and watching the Tee Vee.
God Bless America.
Your Presedent,
George Bush Jr
P.S. The Enron dog
can't hunt and Republicans and Christians can't lie so you know I'm innicent.
Editor's note: There was an 'X' across the entire page along with the words "THIS IS SHIT" in large letters.
• Mark W. Brown is a disgruntled college dude and fancies himself a wise guy. He can be reached at mbrown3@umbc.edu.
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