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Inside
Bush's Diary: Bobbin' and Weavin' Over Enron
January
29, 2002
by Bernard Weiner
Dear Diary:
I feel like I been blindsided. What the hell happened? Things
were going great: We were beatin' the bejusus out of the enemy
in Afghanistan, Ashcroft & I got everything we wanted through
the Congress in terms of having a free hand legally, we got
the huge tax cut for my supporters, Muslims around the world
were letting us do what we wanted in their countries, it was
looking good for the Congressional elections and for me in
2004.
True, that obstructionist asshole Daschle - pardon my French,
he's not an "obstructionist," he's a true Democrat enemy who
wants my job - was making life difficult for us in the Senate.
We tried to smear the guy, but it didn't really take. (I miss
Bubba - EVERYTHING took!) Still, we had the House still in
our hands, the press was fairly docile, and the liberals in
academia had pulled in their horns, thanks to that list of
unpatriotic professors drawn up by Lynne and that suck-up
Lieberman.
And then suddenly, whammo! I'm being called Preztel-dent
Bush, and the stand-up comics are having a field day. It wasn't
just the pretzel; they wouldn't be making jokes about me -
and Teddy wouldn't have come out of the woodwork to challenge
my tax cuts - if everything else was going right and they
had to Watch What They Say. (Good line, Ari!)
But in truth, I have had a lot to swallow in such a short
time. No wonder the beer looks tempting these days. I didn't
sign up for all these damn foreign complications and economic
disasters!
Consider: There's about to be a full-scale war between the
Israelis and Palestinians that could escalate way beyond that
area and pull us in somehow. Intelligence says Al Qaeda soldiers
may appear there to fight for Arafat and his boys. We've given
Sharon carte blanche to handle those A-rabs however he wants
- always better to get the local boys to do your dirty work
for you - but the guy is like a demented fireman who likes
hosing off flames with gasoline. Still, if he gets rid of
the problem and things calm down there, eventually, more power
to him. (But if too many wars break out around the globe that
need U.S. troops, we may have to re-institute the draft, and
that's what did LBJ in. Still, patriotism is running high,
maybe we can get away with it.)
Then there's the Kashmir thing. Those bloody Pakis and Hindus
have nuclear weapons, for chrissakes! Maybe we should take
both of them out, and calm things down there for several decades.
Let them fight with sticks and stones if they want.
Add on to that all the hypocritical attacks on us for how
we're treating our Al Qaeda/Taliban prisoners - whoops, I
mean detainees - in Guantanamo. If they become official POWs,
we'll have to be more careful about how we get information
out of them and will have Red Cross officials constantly snooping
around.
We're also starting to get some heat for not finding Osama
and Omar. I don't care if we never find those guys - they
are our poster boys for evildoing and I need them out there
scaring folks - though eventually I guess we'll look like
weaklings if we don't bring them in. In charred body bags,
if you get my drift.
All that would have been bad enough Over There, but then
Enron had to implode Over Here! Goddamn! True, there are some
Democrat fingerprints all over the body too, but nothing like
what our side has. We were totally in bed with Kenny Boy and
his corporation. (Heard a good joke: How are Clinton and Bush
alike? "They'd do anything for a Lay." I can't help it; it's
funny.) The press are starting to circle like sharks, smelling
blood. We're bobbin' and weavin' and keeping them at a distance,
but I've already begun to hear talk in Congress that is too
reminiscent of Nixon and Watergate: What did the President
know and when did he know it? (I refuse to think about the
I-word, yet.)
Tell the truth, I don't know how we're going to get out of
this one. Dick is finally going to have to produce the documents
about how our energy policy was put together, and Kenny Boy
is right at the heart of the matter. And our Cabinet and subCabinets
looks like an Enron alumni reunion. Even the investigators
in charge have Enron ties. Still no drumbeat for a special
prosecutor, but the rumblings are starting. If we have to
appoint one, we may not be able to get a Ken Starr this time.
God help us if we have to appoint an Archie Cox or Judge Walsh
type. (Walsh, that Republican traitor, almost indicted my
dad in Iran/Contra. Good thing we've been able to get away
with making all past presidential papers secret.) Maybe we
can just shred all the incriminating documents, like Nixon's
missing 18 minutes on the tape.
And the Enron fallout goes on and on. Members of Congress
may even, against their own desires and pocketbooks, have
to finally pass campaign finance reform. It'll be window-dressing
for the most part, but it could set a precedent and our whole
system of donations-for-access could be on the wane. Not good
for anyone.
Somehow, some way, I've got to get Enron and its political
fallout off the front pages. I'd throw the press a distracting
bone, but all I've got are more scandals and John Walker.
Maybe bin Laden will pull a good one - bombing a port city,
bacterial dispersal, some more plane crashes, anything - and
the press will gravitate to what they do best, blood & guts,
instead of that dull investigative stuff. Maybe the anthrax
guy will rev up again. Maybe Clarence Thomas will get caught
misbehaving in a porn theater. I'm open to anything.
Well, enough brain work. I'm heading for the couch.
Bernard Weiner, a poet and playwright, was the San Francisco
Chronicle's theater critic for nearly two decades; he holds
a Ph.D. in government & international relations.
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