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CollegeDudeNews
State
of the Union - the First Draft
January
15, 2002
by Mark W. Brown
REISTERSTOWN, Md. - CollegeDudeNews has recently acquired
an exclusive insider document from an anonymous source at
the White House who has asked to be identified only as "Token
Black". It is what appears to be the first draft of White
House Resident George W. Bush Jr.'s State of the Union Address.
CDN has attempted to verify the authenticity of the document
as it seems unlikely that Bush would take such an initiative.
However, these efforts netted inconclusive results. We have
transcribed the document and the attached note as accurately
as possible to allow our readers to make their own judgment.
Here at CollegeDudeNews, we report, you decide.
- The Staff
Text of attached note from informant "Token Black":
The Boss
said he wrote this last time he ran off and left the rest
of us to deal with all of the poor decisions he has made.
Karl and Karen laughed at him and told him to never try writing
a speech again. I figured you could use it more than the incinerator.
God, why did I agree to put up with this crap?
- Token
Black
P.S. Please
keep my name anonymous and don't try to guess who I am. Thanks.
Text of supposed first draft of State of the Union Address:
King
George II
President George Dubya W. Bush Jr.'s Address
Before a Joint Session of the Congress on the State of My
the Union
To be for
January 29, 2002
Denny,
Dickie, Republicans, rich friends, my fella Republicans:
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, honoraried
guests, my fella Americans:
I
come before you tonight to address the state of the union,
a task that I am proud to undertake. Thanks largely to my
efforts and the efforts of fellow Republicans, the state of
the union is the worst that it has ever been. We have done
as we set out to do and painted all union members as money-grubbing
Communists who are interested in only themselves. In a series
of orders, we have stopped striking unions to keep from hurting
our rich constituency, we have slowed union influence country-wide,
and we have demonized all of them to advance our reactimonary
agenda. We hope to continue to hurt the union in the upcoming
year, something that is sure to benefit all rich Americans
greatly.
There's
no doubt about it, the past is history. So it doesn't matter
that in 2001, 1.8 million Americans lost their jobs, because
all of them were obviously lazy Democrats or they'd have voted
for me and I wouldn't have had to have my brother
and my Daddy's freinds steal the election. Besides,
who cares what they think? I bet most of them were blacks
and Mexicans and Spanics and women and fags
flamers homosexuels, and everybody knows
that none of them are worth anything anyway. Our economy is
better than it has ever been, with our rich folks getting
richer and our poor folks getting poorer thanks to the tax
cuts that I just had Karl and Karen write for me and Denny
and Trent shove through Congress for me.
Besides,
2001 was a fabulous year. I got to hang out with my friends
far more than I had to work, and I appointed all sorts of
people that my Daddy told me to appoint, like Rummy and Johnnie
and Christie. And I made $250,000 as salary plus all
of that money that the oil companies and energy companies
gave me. I didn't give 10% to God like I was supposed
to, but He knows that I'm with him because I talk about him
a lot even though I never read the Bible. My own church
yelled at me but they're just a bunch of liberels who were
never born again anyway. But 2002 will be even better.
My fella
Republicans Americans, the state of the Union
is a... one of those really big words that sounds pretty but
has no substance and is a lie anyway. Yeah. But the state
of the Republican Party is great, and that's all that matters
to me. Well, that and what my Daddy tells me is important.
The real
credit belongs to my Daddy, and his old 'boss' Ronnie, who
opened the door for makin' President Clinton look like he
was a bad man for being a good President. My gratetude
gratitude goes to my Daddy's friends on the Supremo
Ct. for getting me this job Osama bin Laden
for helping me get high approval ratings good Christians
who helped get me elected.
Thanks to
my friends on the Tee Vee, it's like year started with Septembeer
11th, so all of the stuff that happened before it, like my
appointing Donny Boy and Johnnie and not releasing Ronnie's
papers 'cause of all the bad stuff it said about my
Daddy. And when they told me to stop giving federel
funds to oversees groups who help with abortions, although
I don't know why because I made my girlfreind have an abortion
once a long time ago I did, but that's because God
says they're bad. I forget where, but he says that, I know
he does. Or what happened in Calefornia, which wasn't really
that bad because everyone made lots of money and that's what
it's really about. Or all of those folks who yell about the
Isrealis and the Palesteneans and that I should make them
stop fighting, even though it's good for business and Christians
if they fight, and that's what it's really all about. There
was all that other stuff too that happened while I was at
my ranch but if the world has a problem with that I don't
care what they think.
I'd like
to take a moment to thank everyone who has done a service
for me their country over the past year,
including people like the five Supremo Ct. members who voted
for me, and my brother and his freinds, and everyone
who let me get away with lying about everything and
people like Bob Boudelang, who are Great Amercan Patriots
in and out. Let's all clap Bob now, for being the epotime
of what we all should act like, waving flags and praising
Republicans and shooting guns through their neighbore's
roofs and let's boo all of the Democrats while we're
at it, because they're all mean and make sense and tell people
when I lie instead of cover it up like my Daddy always did.
Don't forget
that God is watching over America, because he has to be since
I'm the President and God made me the President, and that's
a really comforting thought. That's what Johnnie always says,
anyway, and he says, "Bush, it smells like CALICO in here.
Do you know why?" I don't know what that means, but it sure
sounds impotent, don't you think? (Here's where I wait for
lafter, he he)
I wrote
this speach myself so my hand is starting to hurt so I'm going
to stop writing now.
Keep buying
flags and voting for Republicans and watching the Tee Vee.
God Bless
America.
Your Presedent,
George Bush
Jr
P.S.
The Enron dog can't hunt and Republicans and Christians can't
lie so you know I'm innicent.
Editor's note: There was an 'X' across the entire page
along with the words "THIS IS SHIT" in large letters.
•
Mark W. Brown is a disgruntled college dude and fancies himself
a wise guy. He can be reached at mbrown3@umbc.edu.
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