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CollegeDudeNews
Read My Lips: The Next Generation
January 8, 2002
by Mark W. Brown

REISTERSTOWN, Md. (CDN) - White House Resident Bush opened his mouth and inserted his foot in a speech to hand-picked California workers Jan. 5, CollegeDudeNews has learned via wire reports. The self-inflicted orthopedic insertion into Bush's oral cavity occurred after Bush declared with a shout: "Not over my dead body will they raise your taxes!"

Bush claimed "incredible progress" in the three-month-old war against terrorism, prompting many informed observers to wonder just how often he checks in on the progress of the war himself. "It's time to take the spirit of unity prevalent in fighting the war and bring it back to Washington, D.C.," he said. But, he said, "This economic debate is troubling me."

Reading a Yahoo! article from his Maryland home, CollegeDude, who took a class on Economics in his freshman year of high school, was obviously displeased by the statements. "I guess someone forgot to tell our man Dubya that debate is an important part of maintaining the illusion that democracy still exists," Dude said. "It makes sense that he fears debate, because the more debate there is, the more chance that his fiscally irresponsible policies will get outed for the corporate prostitution that they are."

A day after Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle (D-S.D.) started off the war against the Enronomy with his speech that was diced by major news networks, Bush insinuated that anyone who wants to repeal his tax cuts is in favor of a tax raise. However, both he and the major media failed to mention that Daschle has not called for a tax increase.

The Resident proclaimed that the terrorist attacks set back an Enronomy that was already hurting. "It affected our psychology," he said, marking the first time he has ever been able to pronounce five consonants in a row in front of any sort of audience. He went on to say that the answer lies in creating more jobs with his proposed corporate tax breaks.

At this, CollegeDude smiled and shook his head. "Hi, Dubya. This is Reality calling. Remember that airline bailout you pushed for? You know, the one where you threw money at them, and then they still laid off workers even though you threw money at them? Yeah, that's what's going to happen here." Dude asserted that Bush is already aware of this, as he has long since given up caring about lower-class workers, and just wants to give money to his and his Poppy's friends and donors.

Further proving his lack of a clue, Bush derided Democratic efforts to link his tax cut to the worsening of the recession. "I don't know what economic text book they're reading," he said, failing to realize that in modern times, people learn what is going on by watching what is happening in the present, not reading about what might have happened in the past.

The administration wants the public to see Democrats, especially those who control the Senate, as obstructionists who are trying to keep the economy, public, and black man down.

Dude's final statement reacting to the God-sent speech was not optimistic of the Bush administration's chances. "Let's put it this way. They've got about as good odds of that happening as I do of having them on my nuts. All of them at once, I mean."

Additional research has given Dude odds of 3,720 to 1; the Bush administration's are non-existent.

Mark W. Brown, a disgruntled college dude, is the staff writer for CollegeDudeNews. He can be reached at mbrown3@umbc.edu

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