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CollegeDudeNews
Read
My Lips: The Next Generation
January
8, 2002
by Mark W. Brown
REISTERSTOWN, Md. (CDN) - White House Resident Bush opened
his mouth and inserted his foot in a speech to hand-picked
California workers Jan. 5, CollegeDudeNews has learned via
wire reports. The self-inflicted orthopedic insertion into
Bush's oral cavity occurred after Bush declared with a shout:
"Not over my dead body will they raise your taxes!"
Bush claimed "incredible progress" in the three-month-old
war against terrorism, prompting many informed observers to
wonder just how often he checks in on the progress of the
war himself. "It's time to take the spirit of unity prevalent
in fighting the war and bring it back to Washington, D.C.,"
he said. But, he said, "This economic debate is troubling
me."
Reading a Yahoo! article from his Maryland home, CollegeDude,
who took a class on Economics in his freshman year of high
school, was obviously displeased by the statements. "I guess
someone forgot to tell our man Dubya that debate is an important
part of maintaining the illusion that democracy still exists,"
Dude said. "It makes sense that he fears debate, because the
more debate there is, the more chance that his fiscally irresponsible
policies will get outed for the corporate prostitution that
they are."
A day after Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle (D-S.D.) started
off the war against the Enronomy with his speech that was
diced by major news networks, Bush insinuated that anyone
who wants to repeal his tax cuts is in favor of a tax raise.
However, both he and the major media failed to mention that
Daschle has not called for a tax increase.
The Resident proclaimed that the terrorist attacks set back
an Enronomy that was already hurting. "It affected our psychology,"
he said, marking the first time he has ever been able to pronounce
five consonants in a row in front of any sort of audience.
He went on to say that the answer lies in creating more jobs
with his proposed corporate tax breaks.
At this, CollegeDude smiled and shook his head. "Hi, Dubya.
This is Reality calling. Remember that airline bailout you
pushed for? You know, the one where you threw money at them,
and then they still laid off workers even though you threw
money at them? Yeah, that's what's going to happen here."
Dude asserted that Bush is already aware of this, as he has
long since given up caring about lower-class workers, and
just wants to give money to his and his Poppy's friends and
donors.
Further proving his lack of a clue, Bush derided Democratic
efforts to link his tax cut to the worsening of the recession.
"I don't know what economic text book they're reading," he
said, failing to realize that in modern times, people learn
what is going on by watching what is happening in the present,
not reading about what might have happened in the past.
The administration wants the public to see Democrats, especially
those who control the Senate, as obstructionists who are trying
to keep the economy, public, and black man down.
Dude's final statement reacting to the God-sent speech was
not optimistic of the Bush administration's chances. "Let's
put it this way. They've got about as good odds of that happening
as I do of having them on my nuts. All of them at once, I
mean."
Additional research has given Dude odds of 3,720 to 1; the
Bush administration's are non-existent.
Mark
W. Brown, a disgruntled college dude, is the staff writer
for CollegeDudeNews. He can be reached at mbrown3@umbc.edu
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