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The Daily Whopper
Pat
January 5, 2002
by Jeremiah Bourque

Could it be about anyone else?

I mean, we're not talking about just a daily whopper, but, given Pat's visibility and prior political ambitions, a whopper that must be making some kind of all-time list somewhere. It will soon join "Let them eat cake", though I've read, in all seriousness, that the woman who allegedly said this was, according to conservative historians, a supporter of a failed socialist flour distribution scheme that added to the misery of the public, proving once again that mercy doesn't pay, and socialism only leads to hunger. Personally, I take that with a grain of salt...

Anyway, today's subject is the "Death of the West," as reported by the Drudge Report. Pat Buchanan, apparently understanding that his political career is destroyed beyond repair, is now presenting us with a concise version of the views that he has held all along.

In short:

- According to UN statistics, white people will begin to vanish from the Earth.

- According to UN statistics, colored peoples will begin to dominate the Earth.

- This is bad.

I dare you to find a better example of textbook xenophobia.

Among other complaints:

- By 2050, 23 million Germans, 16 million Italians, and 30 million Russians will have... disappeared.

This is a bit of playing around with statistics. Here, we're speaking of attrition as disappearance. If it was a major industrial firm, a caveat would read, "We're not actually firing anyone. We're simply not replacing them when they retire." In this context, try to think of death as a form of permanent retirement.

Here's a silly question. Aren't all these countries suffering from high levels of unemployment? Wouldn't this explain why families don't see having more children as being very good for themselves, or the children? Of course, that's why you can lie with statistics. Statistics do not assume that humans have the capacity for thought and for adaptability. Those who like to play with statistics tend to treat humans like lemmings in need of guidance from above, with their own intelligent ideas substituting for God. The rest of us need not share in this delusion.

- By 2025, there'll be 9 million Palestinians in the West Bank and Gaza, and 15 million by 2050, when they'll outnumber Israel's Jewish population by 2 to 1.

Well, first of all, we're leaving out Israel's internal Palestinian population from this equation. In reality, the day of reckoning is far closer. Second of all, this rules out the possibility of Israel simply deciding to ethnically cleanse both areas for the sake of Zionism and self-preservation, seeing how long the Palestinians last with their 40 years in the desert. (Probably a lot less than 1 year, but perhaps that would be the point.)

We're also leaving out that such a large number of Palestinians would exhaust the Palestinian water supply, leading to mass death by thirst.

- Dual Containment will fail because Iraq will have 42 million people within 25 years, while Iran will have 94 million.

This is a trick even Saddam can't pull off. There isn't enough food, irrigation, or sanitary service in Iraq to keep alive that many people, especially with US sanctions and regular bombing. In fact, it might be arguable that it is preferable to keep the sanctions on, indeed, to tighten them, so that we kill as many Iraqis by disease as young as we can, so as to put off the day of reckoning as long as possible. After all, Dual Containment is our top priority, besides oil, in that region.

As for Iran, they've already had a Baby Boom. Their MTV generation is clamoring for change, with the old guard desperately hanging on against liberal Muslim leaders. If their amount of 18-24 year olds expands much more, the country will be effectively ungovernable without Stalinist oppression. Quite likely, the country will undergo a counter-revolution and lurch towards sanity. This may spoil Dual Containment, but I think we would like Iran much more after this takes place.

- European-Americans are a minority in America’s most populous state, California, and by 2004, will be a minority in Texas.

Well, now we're getting to the real point: America Under Siege. Let's stop worrying about Europeans. America is going to the Latinos!

Nevermind that they're Catholic. It's rich, isn't it: Pat Buchanan, Catholic Basher.

France, you can take back the Statue now. We don't want the tired and poor anymore!

Seriously, let's say they do try to separate and join Mexico. How hard it is to militarily defeat Mexico? I'm willing to bet that it's not much harder than Afghanistan, as long as the US decides that there's too many Mexicans anyway, so collateral damage is no big deal. After all, those civilians just happen to be in the way of that arms depot. Too bad for them. Send in the B-52's...

- The Culture War is waging battle against the heroic legacy of the true Founding Fathers, the heart and soul of America, the... Puritans.

Oh my bleeding heart.

- The De-Christianization of America.

Now we've struck gold. Since when has America been Christianized in the first place? This was a nation founded on secular principles, with religion specifically removed from the purview of the state, and the state from the purview of religion. What has been culturally enforced and pushed forward by majority rule, was never intended to be forced upon the general population by the state. That is to say, sure, they pray in the House and Senate, openly. But no one's required to be a Christian to get elected.

Maybe there is some sort of political requirement in many states that an elected official be Christian, but it is most certainly not the law.

I wonder if it has ever occured to this man, in his entire life, that there might be a good reason for this, forseen by the Founding Fathers.

I guess not...

It's not the purpose of this article to delve too deeply into this topic, particularly since most readers are likely to be Democrats, and need no explanation of why a wall between Church and State was erected, even if those exact words were not used. However, I think it bears saying that this was a nation with a majority of Christians, but was never a Christian Nation. Not at the federal level. Furthermore, state sponsorship of religion was ended through the establishment of the Union and the ratification of the Constitution. Trying to re-fight this issue is no better than trying to get California to secede.

And one other complaint:

- Anti-Catholic films and filthy and blasphemous anti-Christian art are the deliberate insults of a triumphant pagan and secularist faith.

You bet they are! As an ex-Catholic, I can attest to the amount of crap that many children take when oppressed by that faith. It surprises me not one bit that these children, rarely feeling loved, always fearful of punishment, treated as a burden to all living things, grow up with a deep seated desire for revenge.

Though it seems to be news to some, this is allowed.

This reminds me of a scan of a late 17th century summary of a Puritan preacher's mass condemning an infernal document spread by a young male with no respect towards society whatsoever, titled, "Everything That You Ever Wished To Know About Bundling, But Were Afeared To Ask". Greatly scandalized by this, I'm sure that no one would be surprised if this priest desired to not only outlaw this sacrilege and disgrace to human dignity, and indeed, to Puritan dignity (and thus his own), and would not be sorry to see the author lashed several times to remind him that such mockery is demeaning. Though it was not said if anything happened to the author, or if he was anonymous, the document, apparently genuine, appeared on a web site concerning the long history of spreading jokes.

The point is, America had a tradition of free speech long before it was America.

Today, the United Kingdom is wrestling with the issue of whether to outlaw insults to religion, as illiberal an act as I can think of offhand. (I, for one, am not the type of person to dream up these things.) One can only imagine the endless lawsuits and recriminations if the United States ever chose to make insults of religion illegal. Can you even begin to imagine? I can't. It's just too messy to even think about.

Of course, the UK's on the way to abolishing jury trials for many criminal cases, "minor crimes" as they seem to be called. Other rights that were supposedly settled 700 years earlier are in jeopardy by their Labor government, eager to please the conservative middle classes that give it such heavy control over their Parliament.

How can they do this? Easy.

They don't have a written constitution.

Perhaps we should be more protective of ours, lest our mourning over the de-Christianization of America blind us to common protections for all.

Christian America is an idealized form of the past that never existed, and furthermore, is not desirable. A Christian America would be an America constantly at war with itself. Furthermore, I fail to understand how an America-Come-Home advocate like Pat Buchanan can fail to understand that a Christian America will inevitably be a Crusading America, seeking to export its virtue to the salt of the earth, hoping to civilize them and break down their barbarian inclinations before they take over the known world. Failing that, bring in F-16's and B-52's and teach them that you follow Christianity because it has the biggest guns.

How could a Christian America NOT be an Evangelizing America? I completely fail to see it. We'd be spending billions to spread the word of God all over the world, seeking to help millions of doomed peoples become born-again Christians before they die and go to Hell.

Would a Christian America encourage the conversion of Jews?

I think that's enough of a hot button issue to leave unexplored. I just thought I'd mention it, to demonstrate the potential pitfalls.

In conclusion, I just don't think that America, while being overwhelmingly dominated by Christians and by Christian culture, was ever Christianized. Consequently, I don't think that there would be a re-Christianization, but a first Christianization. Even so, whether it's a sequel or an original play, I don't care for the conclusion. This America should belong to all Americans, and the same freedom that enables Pat Buchanan to worship at his Church, protected for everyone else.

Really, there is only one good response to Pat's book.

"We, the People, believing that all men are created equal..."

Maybe we should hold on to that statue a little longer.

Previous Editions of The Daily Whopper

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