The Bush Administration
by Jeff Ritchie
anniversary of the Bush Inauguration just around the corner,
we thought it would be a helpful public service to answer
some of the most Frequently Asked Questions about the President's
first year in office. Please note that all answers have been
screened through the Office of Homeland Security, and anybody
who says otherwise is giving aid and comfort to terrorists.
Q. Some people have claimed that George W. Bush
is not really in charge of this Administration and that others
are calling the shots. Is there any truth to that?
A. Nothing could be further from the truth. Despite
the fact that it appears during photo opportunities that Karl
Rove is manipulating the President like a sock puppet, the
President is clearly running his own administration.
Q. Why won't Vice President Dick Cheney reveal
the members of his Energy Policy Panel?
A. Many of those who served on the panel possess superhuman
powers, and to release their names to the public would require
the White House to reveal their secret identities. To do so
violate the by-laws of the Justice League and would jeopardize
Q. Speaking of world peace, why is the Bush Administration
pursuing a missile defense system and abandoning the Antiballistic
Missile Treaty, thus raising the threat of a global arms race?
A. Because during the 1980's, wealthy Republicans
built a series of hardened underground bunkers, so in the
event of a nuclear holocaust they would emerge as the sole
survivors and build a new and perfect civilization. Unfortunately,
because of the "gender gap" with the Democrats,
there will only be three women in this new society.
Q. My God, that's horrible!
A. Hey, you're not the one who's going to have to
make love with Katherine Harris.
Q. After the September 11 attacks, the President
did not return to Washington until nearly twelve hours later.
Why the delay?
A. The President needed to assess the current military
situation. And he needed a change of underpants.
Q. During the attack on the World Trade Centers,
former President Clinton's daughter, Chelsea, was only a few
blocks away. Where were the President's daughters at the time
of the attack?
A. According to Secret Service reports, Jenna was
performing a table dance at an establishment known only as
"Lefty's," and Barbara was in the ladies room of
the Chi Chi's restaurant in Amarillo.
Q. What was she doing there at 9:00 in the morning?
A. She was hurling like Nolan Ryan.
Q. Was George W. Bush serious during his campaign
when he said his administration would "leave no child
A. No. That was originally supposed to be the punch
line of a joke he was telling for a fundraiser at the Cato
Institute. The press just sort of picked up on it.
Q. Can you explain to me the logic of the Bush
Administration economic stimulus package?
A. The President believes that the greatest threat
to our economic health is the fact that poor people in this
country are hoarding all the money. That leaves less available
for others to purchase basic essentials like food, shelter,
and personal trainers. So the government collects money from
working people and redistributes the wealth where it can do
the most good.
Q. When Democrats did that, only in reverse, you
accused them of Socialism. What's the difference now?
A. Did we mention that Barney Frank is gay?
Q. Environmentalists claim that the Bush Administration's
policies will decimate one of the last remaining wilderness
areas on this continent. How do they respond to that?
A. I'm glad you brought this up, because this whole
Arctic National Wildlife Refuge thing has been bugging me
for months. You know what lives in the ANWR? Arctic wolves,
that's what. And if there were a rabid arctic wolf running
loose in your living room you'd be terrified and screaming
for help. And you'd damned well thank the first person who
came in and shot it dead. It's the same principle with oil
Q. OK. That really didn't make any sense.
A. Let me give you another example. Suppose you had
a train that left New York City traveling west as 70 miles
per hour and another train that left Chicago – at the
same time – traveling east at 50 miles per hour. Where
would they meet?
Q. Umm. I'm not sure.
A. Exactly my point. Next question?
Q. During the 2000 campaign, the National Rifle
Association boasted that if George W. Bush was elected, they
would be "operating out of the Oval Office." Are
the President's ties to the NRA that strong?
A. Let me be clear about one thing: the NRA is not
operating out of the Oval Office. They only show up once or
twice a week to pick up their mail and to grab some beer and
cold cuts from the White House refrigerator.
Q. Is the President concerned that eroding public
support for his domestic policies could adversely effect his
chances for reelection in 2004?
A. We don't worry too much about elections around
here (wink, wink).