Democratic Underground

FAQ: The Bush Administration
December 17, 2001
by Jeff Ritchie

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With the anniversary of the Bush Inauguration just around the corner, we thought it would be a helpful public service to answer some of the most Frequently Asked Questions about the President's first year in office. Please note that all answers have been screened through the Office of Homeland Security, and anybody who says otherwise is giving aid and comfort to terrorists.

Q. Some people have claimed that George W. Bush is not really in charge of this Administration and that others are calling the shots. Is there any truth to that?

A. Nothing could be further from the truth. Despite the fact that it appears during photo opportunities that Karl Rove is manipulating the President like a sock puppet, the President is clearly running his own administration.

Q. Why won't Vice President Dick Cheney reveal the members of his Energy Policy Panel?

A. Many of those who served on the panel possess superhuman powers, and to release their names to the public would require the White House to reveal their secret identities. To do so violate the by-laws of the Justice League and would jeopardize world peace.

Q. Speaking of world peace, why is the Bush Administration pursuing a missile defense system and abandoning the Antiballistic Missile Treaty, thus raising the threat of a global arms race?

A. Because during the 1980's, wealthy Republicans built a series of hardened underground bunkers, so in the event of a nuclear holocaust they would emerge as the sole survivors and build a new and perfect civilization. Unfortunately, because of the "gender gap" with the Democrats, there will only be three women in this new society.

Q. My God, that's horrible!

A. Hey, you're not the one who's going to have to make love with Katherine Harris.

Q. After the September 11 attacks, the President did not return to Washington until nearly twelve hours later. Why the delay?

A. The President needed to assess the current military situation. And he needed a change of underpants.

Q. During the attack on the World Trade Centers, former President Clinton's daughter, Chelsea, was only a few blocks away. Where were the President's daughters at the time of the attack?

A. According to Secret Service reports, Jenna was performing a table dance at an establishment known only as "Lefty's," and Barbara was in the ladies room of the Chi Chi's restaurant in Amarillo.

Q. What was she doing there at 9:00 in the morning?

A. She was hurling like Nolan Ryan.

Q. Was George W. Bush serious during his campaign when he said his administration would "leave no child behind?"

A. No. That was originally supposed to be the punch line of a joke he was telling for a fundraiser at the Cato Institute. The press just sort of picked up on it.

Q. Can you explain to me the logic of the Bush Administration economic stimulus package?

A. The President believes that the greatest threat to our economic health is the fact that poor people in this country are hoarding all the money. That leaves less available for others to purchase basic essentials like food, shelter, and personal trainers. So the government collects money from working people and redistributes the wealth where it can do the most good.

Q. When Democrats did that, only in reverse, you accused them of Socialism. What's the difference now?

A. Did we mention that Barney Frank is gay?

Q. Environmentalists claim that the Bush Administration's policies will decimate one of the last remaining wilderness areas on this continent. How do they respond to that?

A. I'm glad you brought this up, because this whole Arctic National Wildlife Refuge thing has been bugging me for months. You know what lives in the ANWR? Arctic wolves, that's what. And if there were a rabid arctic wolf running loose in your living room you'd be terrified and screaming for help. And you'd damned well thank the first person who came in and shot it dead. It's the same principle with oil exploration.

Q. OK. That really didn't make any sense.

A. Let me give you another example. Suppose you had a train that left New York City traveling west as 70 miles per hour and another train that left Chicago – at the same time – traveling east at 50 miles per hour. Where would they meet?

Q. Umm. I'm not sure.

A. Exactly my point. Next question?

Q. During the 2000 campaign, the National Rifle Association boasted that if George W. Bush was elected, they would be "operating out of the Oval Office." Are the President's ties to the NRA that strong?

A. Let me be clear about one thing: the NRA is not operating out of the Oval Office. They only show up once or twice a week to pick up their mail and to grab some beer and cold cuts from the White House refrigerator.

Q. Is the President concerned that eroding public support for his domestic policies could adversely effect his chances for reelection in 2004?

A. We don't worry too much about elections around here (wink, wink).