Christmas Wish List
by Paul Winkelmann
1 CHRISTMAS LANE, NORTH POLE
OR AT OUR NEW LOCATION
1 FELIZ NAVIDA PLAZA, TIJUANA, MEXICO
1 800-XMAS GUY - FAX: 1 888 XMAS-GUY
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
I just wanted
to let you know that I got your wish list and am working on
it as fast as I can. As a matter of fact, thanks to your advice
on how to reduce my labor costs, I am sure to be finished
with everyone's presents extra early this year. Getting rid
of those pesky minimum wage elves was just the ticket. The
staff, at my newly relocated toy factory in Mexico, has reported
very few complaints about the wages or work hours ($5.12 per
12 hr. day), the filthy working conditions, the asbestos,
or the polluted drinking water. And yes, you were right, threatening
to move the factory from Tijuana to Bejing did quiet down
those infrequent but annoying Mexican malcontents. I gotta
tell ya, those elves were pissed when they found out what
I bought with the profits I got by not paying them their bloated
paychecks. A new heated magic-motion waterbed and a time-share
in Tahiti, if you must know.
was no need to thank me for your new and improved approval
rating. I had nothing to do with that. Although, I am flattered
that you thought it was me who tossed you that early Christmas
present. I'm crossing my fingers though, hoping that this
war can last until 2004. Remember what happened to Poppy?
By the way, how are all those flags and red, white, and blue
lapel pins, I sent, working out for you? Did blanketing yourself
in them achieve the desired result? I hope so because, as
Sen. Joseph McCarthy once said, "You can never act or look
on the homefront, I'm afraid. My reindeer population has continued
it's downward spiral. I am testing out that new oilrig you
suggested, but as of yet, it hasn't had the hoped for affect
on their procreation. I have even kept the spills down to
the federally mandated 500 gallons a day so I'm quite certain
that can't be the problem. Oh well, maybe that nice warming
hole in the ozone will get their libidos heated up.
told me to let you know she's "darned proud" of the job your
wife is doing. She says she was tired of all them "policies"
and "ideers" that the last first lady kept bringing up. "A
girl's place is in the kitchen, the schoolroom, or the maternity
ward, and not in the boardroom", is what she always likes
let you go, I want to briefly run through your wish list and
clarify a few items.
heart you wanted for Dick - well, a donor heart has to be
similar to Mr. Chaney's and I am having a hell of a time finding
a genetic match that isn't weak, black, and cold, like the
one he has now.
2) I won't
be able to give your frat buddies and campaign contributors
any of those big tax breaks or government bail-outs you asked
for. I'm only Santa Claus, not the president.
3) I can't
"make people forget things." Stolen elections, lies, and broken
promises about bi-partisanship, CO2 emissions, etc, are not
easily forgotten and inducing amnesia is not part of my job
4) No, I'm
not going to spy on all those "Muslim Heathens" when I make
my deliveries on Christmas Eve. I rarely, if ever, make stops
at Muslim homes - them being Muslims and all. Besides, even
if I did, don't you have most of them locked up and hidden
I've already given you Fox News, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter,
The Drudge Report, The Wall Street Journal, and everything
Rupert Murdoch has ever touched (just to name a few). So you
can just forget about the Village Voice, The Nation, or Mother
Jones. It ain't happening.
make-up for Katherine Harris? Did you want Sherwin-Williams
or Dutch Boy?
been asking around and it looks like I will be able to talk
a few more of your daddy's friends into giving you some more
businesses. Unfortunately, my lawyer friends have told me
that this Christmas is out of the question. You're gonna have
to wait till after you've been drummed out of office. Legalities,
you know. There was a request, and I'm not saying who it was
from, but this unnamed person asked if you could keep from
driving your future gifts into the ground, like you did to
all the previous ones.
8) How can
you ask me to extend your stay in the White House? Don't you
realize what I (and a few of my Republican psuedo-elves) had
to go through the last time around? Be thankful we didn't
all go to jail.
9) If I
could "magically fill up the Social Security Trust Fund",
don't you think I would have done it by now? And if I'm not
mistaken, didn't you have a whole mess of money in there last
Christmas? Spending all that dough on the wealthy? Tsk, tsk.
You should be ashamed.
10) I can't
make Dick stop pushing you around. He's the boss after all,
and if you don't like it, quit. I don't have time to mediate
upper management feuds.
how in the world did you think I was going steal and then
transport all that Saudi oil over to the U.S.? If you are
so worried about offending the Saudi's and their oil, perhaps
you shouldn't have promised to go after ALL the countries
who sponsor terrorism. Since you knew full well that you weren't
going to make the Saudi's pay for their duplicity, the onus
is on you to solve the problem. Not me.
12) I found
those "risque" picture books you wanted for Mr. Starr. Swedish
customs is a little slow but has assured me that I will be
able to slide them under Kenny's tree in time for viewing
on Christmas morning. We mustn't disappoint those who got
you where you are.
Zoo officials have a team of wranglers headed for the U.S.
Supreme Court. They said those kangaroos are hard to round
up once you've set them loose in the building. I know this
is a source of embarrassment for you and I have made this
one a top priority.
a little more Congressional arm twisting, I think I can get
Social Security into the stock market. This was one of your
harder wishes to grant. So many of those leaders were very
business-savvy and - whoops, wait a second here. Enron is
at 36 cents a share now. Maybe I better hold off on this one
for a while Georgie.
not making any promises here but I have personally talked
to Senators Dan Burton, Bob Barr, and Congressman Henry Hyde
about their past miscues. They insist that if they are going
initiate anymore long-winded witchhunts pertaining to the
morality of our leaders, they will not get caught with their
own pants down, so to speak. And as a special favor to you,
they've promised not to mention insider trading, drunk driving,
AWOL military personnel, or cocaine snorting frat boys who
dodged the draft by skipping to the head of the National Guard
line so they could defend the shores of Texas from the invading
hordes of North Vietnamese.
about cover it. Let me know how your holidays went.
and Jerry said "Hi". They tell me your doing a splendid job
ensuring that the government and church become one big happy
religious machine, just like the founding fathers intended.