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Bush's Christmas Wish List
December 4, 2001
by Paul Winkelmann

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SANTA'S WORKSHOP
1 CHRISTMAS LANE, NORTH POLE
OR AT OUR NEW LOCATION
1 FELIZ NAVIDA PLAZA, TIJUANA, MEXICO
PHONE: 1 800-XMAS GUY - FAX: 1 888 XMAS-GUY

November 30, 2001

Little Georgie Bush
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington D.C.

Re: Christmas Wish List


Dear Georgie,

I just wanted to let you know that I got your wish list and am working on it as fast as I can. As a matter of fact, thanks to your advice on how to reduce my labor costs, I am sure to be finished with everyone's presents extra early this year. Getting rid of those pesky minimum wage elves was just the ticket. The staff, at my newly relocated toy factory in Mexico, has reported very few complaints about the wages or work hours ($5.12 per 12 hr. day), the filthy working conditions, the asbestos, or the polluted drinking water. And yes, you were right, threatening to move the factory from Tijuana to Bejing did quiet down those infrequent but annoying Mexican malcontents. I gotta tell ya, those elves were pissed when they found out what I bought with the profits I got by not paying them their bloated paychecks. A new heated magic-motion waterbed and a time-share in Tahiti, if you must know.

There really was no need to thank me for your new and improved approval rating. I had nothing to do with that. Although, I am flattered that you thought it was me who tossed you that early Christmas present. I'm crossing my fingers though, hoping that this war can last until 2004. Remember what happened to Poppy? By the way, how are all those flags and red, white, and blue lapel pins, I sent, working out for you? Did blanketing yourself in them achieve the desired result? I hope so because, as Sen. Joseph McCarthy once said, "You can never act or look too patriotic."

Bad news on the homefront, I'm afraid. My reindeer population has continued it's downward spiral. I am testing out that new oilrig you suggested, but as of yet, it hasn't had the hoped for affect on their procreation. I have even kept the spills down to the federally mandated 500 gallons a day so I'm quite certain that can't be the problem. Oh well, maybe that nice warming hole in the ozone will get their libidos heated up.

Mrs. Claus told me to let you know she's "darned proud" of the job your wife is doing. She says she was tired of all them "policies" and "ideers" that the last first lady kept bringing up. "A girl's place is in the kitchen, the schoolroom, or the maternity ward, and not in the boardroom", is what she always likes to say.

Before I let you go, I want to briefly run through your wish list and clarify a few items.

1) That heart you wanted for Dick - well, a donor heart has to be similar to Mr. Chaney's and I am having a hell of a time finding a genetic match that isn't weak, black, and cold, like the one he has now.

2) I won't be able to give your frat buddies and campaign contributors any of those big tax breaks or government bail-outs you asked for. I'm only Santa Claus, not the president.

3) I can't "make people forget things." Stolen elections, lies, and broken promises about bi-partisanship, CO2 emissions, etc, are not easily forgotten and inducing amnesia is not part of my job description.

4) No, I'm not going to spy on all those "Muslim Heathens" when I make my deliveries on Christmas Eve. I rarely, if ever, make stops at Muslim homes - them being Muslims and all. Besides, even if I did, don't you have most of them locked up and hidden away?

5) Look, I've already given you Fox News, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, The Drudge Report, The Wall Street Journal, and everything Rupert Murdoch has ever touched (just to name a few). So you can just forget about the Village Voice, The Nation, or Mother Jones. It ain't happening.

6) That make-up for Katherine Harris? Did you want Sherwin-Williams or Dutch Boy?

7) I've been asking around and it looks like I will be able to talk a few more of your daddy's friends into giving you some more businesses. Unfortunately, my lawyer friends have told me that this Christmas is out of the question. You're gonna have to wait till after you've been drummed out of office. Legalities, you know. There was a request, and I'm not saying who it was from, but this unnamed person asked if you could keep from driving your future gifts into the ground, like you did to all the previous ones.

8) How can you ask me to extend your stay in the White House? Don't you realize what I (and a few of my Republican psuedo-elves) had to go through the last time around? Be thankful we didn't all go to jail.

9) If I could "magically fill up the Social Security Trust Fund", don't you think I would have done it by now? And if I'm not mistaken, didn't you have a whole mess of money in there last Christmas? Spending all that dough on the wealthy? Tsk, tsk. You should be ashamed.

10) I can't make Dick stop pushing you around. He's the boss after all, and if you don't like it, quit. I don't have time to mediate upper management feuds.

11) Just how in the world did you think I was going steal and then transport all that Saudi oil over to the U.S.? If you are so worried about offending the Saudi's and their oil, perhaps you shouldn't have promised to go after ALL the countries who sponsor terrorism. Since you knew full well that you weren't going to make the Saudi's pay for their duplicity, the onus is on you to solve the problem. Not me.

12) I found those "risque" picture books you wanted for Mr. Starr. Swedish customs is a little slow but has assured me that I will be able to slide them under Kenny's tree in time for viewing on Christmas morning. We mustn't disappoint those who got you where you are.

13) Melbourne Zoo officials have a team of wranglers headed for the U.S. Supreme Court. They said those kangaroos are hard to round up once you've set them loose in the building. I know this is a source of embarrassment for you and I have made this one a top priority.

14) With a little more Congressional arm twisting, I think I can get Social Security into the stock market. This was one of your harder wishes to grant. So many of those leaders were very business-savvy and - whoops, wait a second here. Enron is at 36 cents a share now. Maybe I better hold off on this one for a while Georgie.

15) I'm not making any promises here but I have personally talked to Senators Dan Burton, Bob Barr, and Congressman Henry Hyde about their past miscues. They insist that if they are going initiate anymore long-winded witchhunts pertaining to the morality of our leaders, they will not get caught with their own pants down, so to speak. And as a special favor to you, they've promised not to mention insider trading, drunk driving, AWOL military personnel, or cocaine snorting frat boys who dodged the draft by skipping to the head of the National Guard line so they could defend the shores of Texas from the invading hordes of North Vietnamese.

That should about cover it. Let me know how your holidays went.

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus

P.S. Pat and Jerry said "Hi". They tell me your doing a splendid job ensuring that the government and church become one big happy religious machine, just like the founding fathers intended.

 
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