Current Events Quiz
November 10, 2001
by Smokey Sojac

In this time of crisis, when every flag shows our loyal support for the man who lost the election last November and the party that wants to toss out the Bill of Rights and use torture to get confessions, it’s important that every American citizen takes this handy current events quiz, and then keeps the results to themselves. Remember, this would be so much easier for George if he was a dictator, so let’s make like Dick Armey on airport security and do Dick. Time to begin:

1. Imagine your dad’s friends have named you president. Your nation has been attacked by suicidal madmen in the worst disaster in US history. What are the urgent steps to take in this crisis?

1. Repeatedly remind those who are in danger that you personally are safe
2. Ask the poor and middle class to make the ultimate sacrifice while engineering tax breaks and handouts for your super-rich campaign contributors.
3. Make sure the record of your dad’s dealings with the chief suspect in the attack is kept secret.
4. All of the above.

2. What should the duties of the attorney general of the US entail?

1. Caving in to a white collar criminal who lost an anti-trust suit
2. Harassing the terminally ill
3. Ignoring the victims of anthrax attacks who support a woman’s right to choose
4. All of the above

3. What’s the snappiest name for the Administration’s war against terrorism?

1. Enduring Incompetence
2. Crusade for Infinite Justice...DOH!
3. Oops! I bombed the Red Cross again!
4. Afghanistan? No Unnerstan…

4. Which of these statements about the Taliban is true?

1. They’ve been invited to be part of the next government of Afghanistan
2. They got $42 million earlier this year from the Bush Administration
3. They share the Republican party’s views on the issues of women’s right to choose, the United Nations, worker’s rights, and the arts.
4. Six weeks of military action by the US has left them stronger and more popular in Afghanistan than before.

5. Rich, bitter, secretive, violent, and hides in a cave—Quick, who is he?

1. Osama Bin Laden
2. Dick Cheney
3. Batman
4. All of the above

6. Which of these statements about Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge is FALSE?

1. He refuses to speak to Congress
2. He issues warnings too vague to be of any use to anyone
3. He is getting nowhere on the anthrax investigation
4. He makes Americans feel safer

7. With which of these has Buckaroo Bonehead told Americans we were at war?

1. terra
2. terism
3. evildoers
4. All of the above

8. Which of these news stories demonstrates best the importance of freedom of the press to a healthy society?

1. Le Figaro and Radio France International report that Osama bin Laden underwent treatment in July at the American Hospital in Dubai where he met a Central Intelligence Agency official.
2. The BBC documents that upon taking office, George Bush told the FBI and other intelligence agencies not to proceed with investigations of the Bin Laden family and its ties to terrorism.
3. The Daily Telegraph in London reports that the consortium of newspapers which had hired an independent firm to analyze the Florida vote are refusing to release the results, leading to the inescapable conclusion that Al Gore would have actually won the state by a huge margin with an honest vote count.
4. USA Today reports that George Bush reads the Bible every day.

9. George W. Bush said of Bin Laden the other day, "This is an evil man that we're dealing with, and I wouldn't put it past him to develop evil weapons to try to harm civilization as we know it.'' What makes them weapons of his so doggone evil?

1. They’re the same color as food packets
2. Many were sold to him by the Reagan administration
3. They were developed with huge cost overruns to the public.
4. They’re just so dadgum evil, that’s all.

Here’s a special bonus question. Which of these is really Donald Rumsfeld?

1.           b.

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