Evil Dewars
November 24, 2001
by no no

"Mah fellow 'mericans."

President George Bush stops and pauses for dramatic effect, catching the eyes of those standing on the lawn of the White House. They wait patiently for him to continue. Suddenly he realizes he doesn't know what his speech is supposed to be about, and he raises his chin in the air defiantly to kill more time. Desperately he scans the crowd for Dick Cheney, who luckily appears right next to him and hands him the speech. Bush glances down and sighs with relief when he sees it's more about the terrorism issues.

"Easy," he thinks, "I'll just discuss the problem of the evil-dewars."

He clears his throat and addresses the mass of people again.

"Mah fellow 'Mericans, we have reached a point where too much is just too much. The problem at hand here is the evil dewars."

Quickly Bush glances down and pulls open the drawer of the podium, surreptitiously checking to see if his flask of Dewars is still there. It is. He grins and shuts the drawer.

"Oh, Lord," whispers an intern standing in the crowd, "Was that just a flask of Dewars in his podium?"

"Dewars? What's that?" The intern next to her responds quietly.

"Dewars. It's a very cheap, sleazy, low-grade scotch. I thought George quit drinking."

"Apparently not," snickered the other intern. "Wait, listen to what he's saying now."

The two turn back to the president as he takes a sip of water, swallows, and continues.

"This blatant act of war on our country will not go unpunished. These evil dewars must be stopped." Again he quickly glances down and, reassured that his alcohol is still there, attempts a determined face to show the people that he means business. Those in the crowd who have not seen the flask believe he is talking about the "evil-doers," but the two interns know he is addressing his drinking problem.

"The war against terrorism?" the first one whispers. "More like the war against alcoholism. Looks like old George has fallen off the wagon. He can't even stop looking in his drawer to see if that flask is still there." The two are suddenly morose. The first intern shakes her head.

"This is terrible. Our country is possibly going into war and Bush is so consumed with alcohol that he can't even get through a simple speech without elusively addressing his own problem!"

Unexpectedly, Bush raises his voice and rips the Dewars out of his podium, brandishing it above the crowd amongst many confused gasps.

"THIS is the evil Dewars!" He screams. "I can't hide mah problem any longer! But I am a man of GOD and I will NOT let this scotch bring me and mah country down!"

Violently he throws it on the ground where it shatters into a million pieces. On the verge of tears, he grips the edge of the podium and clenches his teeth.

"This war must be stopped. Look what it is doing to me, look what it is doing to mah country! I cannot and will not allow this to continue. And so, as of right now, I've decided to declare war! A war that will stop this madness, a war that will end everything! We, the United States of America, are declaring war on Scotland! Because this flask of Scotch is the root of all mah problems!"

"AND the problems of this wonderful country!" He adds.

A hush falls over the crowd. No one can tell Bush that Scotland isn't terrorizing him or the United States, and as this realization slowly sets in, despair permeates the crowd.

"Act one in the war against Alcoho--er, Terrorism!" Bush shouts, again raising a fist. Everyone claps, and Bush returns to the White House.

"I need a beer," he thinks. "It's been a long, long day."