Current
Events Quiz
November
10, 2001
by Smokey Sojac
In this time of crisis, when every flag shows our loyal support
for the man who lost the election last November and the party
that wants to toss out the Bill of Rights and use torture
to get confessions, it�s important that every American citizen
takes this handy current events quiz, and then keeps the results
to themselves. Remember, this would be so much easier for
George if he was a dictator, so let�s make like Dick Armey
on airport security and do Dick. Time to begin:
1. Imagine your dad�s friends have named you president.
Your nation has been attacked by suicidal madmen in the worst
disaster in US history. What are the urgent steps to take
in this crisis?
- Repeatedly remind those who are in danger that you
personally are safe
- Ask the poor and middle class to make the ultimate
sacrifice while engineering tax breaks and handouts for
your super-rich campaign contributors.
- Make sure the record of your dad�s dealings with the
chief suspect in the attack is kept secret.
- All of the above.
2. What should the duties of the attorney general of the
US entail?
- Caving in to a white collar criminal who lost an anti-trust
suit
- Harassing the terminally ill
- Ignoring the victims of anthrax attacks who support
a woman�s right to choose
- All of the above
3. What�s the snappiest name for the Administration�s
war against terrorism?
- Enduring Incompetence
- Crusade for Infinite Justice...DOH!
- Oops! I bombed the Red Cross again!
- Afghanistan? No Unnerstan�
4. Which of these statements about the Taliban is true?
- They�ve been invited to be part of the next government
of Afghanistan
- They got $42 million earlier this year from the Bush
Administration
- They share the Republican party�s views on the issues
of women�s right to choose, the United Nations, worker�s
rights, and the arts.
- Six weeks of military action by the US has left them
stronger and more popular in Afghanistan than before.
5. Rich, bitter, secretive, violent, and hides in a cave�Quick,
who is he?
- Osama Bin Laden
- Dick Cheney
- Batman
- All of the above
6. Which of these statements about Director of Homeland
Security Tom Ridge is FALSE?
- He refuses to speak to Congress
- He issues warnings too vague to be of any use to anyone
- He is getting nowhere on the anthrax investigation
- He makes Americans feel safer
7. With which of these has Buckaroo Bonehead told Americans
we were at war?
- terra
- terism
- evildoers
- All of the above
8. Which of these news stories demonstrates best the importance
of freedom of the press to a healthy society?
- Le Figaro and Radio France International report that
Osama bin Laden underwent treatment in July at the American
Hospital in Dubai where he met a Central Intelligence
Agency official.
- The BBC documents that upon taking office, George Bush
told the FBI and other intelligence agencies not to proceed
with investigations of the Bin Laden family and its ties
to terrorism.
- The Daily Telegraph in London reports that the consortium
of newspapers which had hired an independent firm to analyze
the Florida vote are refusing to release the results,
leading to the inescapable conclusion that Al Gore would
have actually won the state by a huge margin with an honest
vote count.
- USA Today reports that George Bush reads the Bible
every day.
9. George W. Bush said of Bin Laden the other day, "This
is an evil man that we're dealing with, and I wouldn't put
it past him to develop evil weapons to try to harm civilization
as we know it.'' What makes them weapons of his so doggone
evil?
- They�re the same color as food packets
- Many were sold to him by the Reagan administration
- They were developed with huge cost overruns to the
public.
- They�re just so dadgum evil, that�s all.
Here�s a special bonus question. Which of these is really
Donald Rumsfeld?
-
b.
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