Windmills of War (According to the Faux Network)
Dutch Attack Luxemburg! Land grab for dirt drives the
The news from Fox Network was not good today, as was revealed
the inner machinations of the secret move by the Dutch against
the Luxemburgers. Even before President Bush rejected the
Kyoto treaty this past spring the Dutch were worried about
the affects of the Earth's warming upon their nation. In fact
as one of their ministers said in an off the record remark,
"Hell, wait for the tide of history? Hoot, mon, we're
worried about the damn North Sea tide!" As a result of
this mindset, the Dutch months ago entered into secret negotiations
for the sorely needed natural resource the Luxemburgers held
at the famous "Mt. de Dur(t)." In case the talks
failed, the Dutch also had a backup plan to tunnel into Luxemburg
and steal the dirt but each tunnel the Dutch dug quickly filled
with water, thus propelling them towards the fateful course
It was revealed by a mole in the talks that the negotiations
between the Dutch and Luxemburgers were sidetracked by a proposal
from the North Koreans who also offered a bid on the Luxemburg
dirt. It seems that the North Koreans now into the seventh
year of famine, have run out of even dirt to eat, so they
have offered to the "Luxies" tactical nuclear weapons
in exchange for the dirt. One official close to the negotiations
informed the press early today, that the "Luxies"
were driving a hard bargain, and "the dirt was not going
dirt-cheap." This infuriated the Dutch who thought they
had a deal, but it now appears likely that the mountain the
Dutch were counting on is now more of a mole hill. And as
usual, the Low Country cousins of the Dutch, the Belgians,
are unsure of themselves and are enduring yet another season
of ridicule as those "waffling Belgians."
At an emergency meeting of the EU the French representative
faced accusations of collusion between the French and "Luxies"
when both the Germans and British pointed out that Limburger
cheese could be quickly converted to Luxemburger cheese at
a moment's notice. And both the Brits and Germans stated in
no uncertain terms that they considered those cheeses to be
"weapons of mass destruction," thereby prompting
the French delegate to storm furiously from the conference,
later recalled to Paris and replaced.
It was this latter twist, which infuriated the Americans.
It seems the new French EU head representative, Viscount Verisimilitude,
bragged about being a direct descendent of Napoleon and Josephine.
A quick check reveled that the Viscount was true to his name
as it was revealed that his parents were in fact the Man from
U.N.C.L.E., Napoleon Solo and Josephine Baker. Yet more ominous
was the revelation in the American press of the Viscount's
past marital history. It seems in his official biography the
Viscount stated that "I married Morgan Fairchild after
Tommy Flanagan." It is yet uncertain the meaning of this
and the Viscount is telling the press, "Don't ask, I
will lie anyway, so why, why, even ask me?"
Upon hearing this US Senator Jesse "Scooter" Helms
wheeled and willed himself on the floor of the nearly empty
US Senate and delivered the most devastating speech to his
cause yet, entitled, "A good homo sapien is a hetero
sapien." Thankfully only Senator Helms' old Paleolithic
pal Senator Strom Thurmond was in the chamber at the time,
sleeping as usual.
Communications seemed to be cut after this last report. More
will be shown tonight on the Fox Network special program called
"The Windmills of War."
On a sad note, famous Amsterdam resident, Urethra Urethrasen,
aged 98 and the model for the "little Dutch boy"
of the 1920's attempted to join the millions of valiant Dutch
repairing the dams and dikes from the ravages of the North
Sea tide. Unfortunately failing health, hearing, and worse,
failing eyesight caused him to attempt to plug one. However,
he was beaten senseless and unconscious, by the woman with
her wooden shoes. Later investigations revealed that the shoes
were, in fact, banned by the Geneva Convention. And as usual,
the Swiss "deny all knowledge of anything, at anytime,