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Thoughts on the Rapture
November 6, 2001
by AJA

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Oh well, as the good Lord must have surely said, "When I give you folks lemons, make lemonade." For instance, when the God loving, good loving religious folk come a-knocking on the door or accost you at the mall, talking religion and salvation, find the goodness and the lesson to be learned. There must surely be a silver lining in it. Take, for instance, that sign I saw on the highway the other day: "The Rapture...Are you Ready?"

Well, frankly I had not been thinking along those lines lately, but it got me thinking about the wonderful effect that this kind of thing could bring to our economy. It seems nobody quite knows who is going to the Rapture. I hear that God has sealed the invitations. No Price Waterhouse accountants involved at all.

So, since nobody knows who is getting an invitation, best we all consider ourselves to be invited to the party, the Rapture. Therefore, we should not only be on our best behavior, but clean and freshly bathed and in our best underwear too. I figure since the Rapture is about bodily plucking a bunch of us up into Heaven, no death required in this case, and no funeral clothes either, we should all have recently showered and wear clean underwear.

I'm thinking about three showers a day should do the trick for Saint Pete to smile upon me. I really do not think any one of us would want to smell bad and be wearing dirty drawers at the Pearly Gates (although there are quite a few folks that if they suddenly found themselves there, would mess their drawers in surprise).

Also, from the very best info I could find on the Fox Network, and at the web site RaptureBrigade.com, there is a high probability that those Heaven's Gate crowd a few years back was onto something about the general attire. So sneakers are a must, as are black nylon windbreakers, although I am going to take my own chances about that neutering thing.

My only fear is that during the Rapture God mistakes a couple of FBI agents dressed the same way I will be on that day, and they will nab my seat to the party, the Rapture.

So, you can see that if people buy more bath soap, deodorant, perfume, sneakers, then companies sell more, employ more and everybody gets a job. The same thing can be said also for underwear sales and those black nylon jackets. It can only be a boost for the country. All this increase in GNP can happen simply because of the party, the Rapture.

It seems to me, if all these religion things get people to be cleaner (because of showers and the clean underwear), healthier and more comfortable (because they are bathing regularly and wearing sneakers), acquire a sense of style (black is classic haute couture), and if it helps our economy, well then bring on the Ole' Time Religion. If it's good enough for Christmas, it's good enough for the Rapture.

Time now to sip some fresh lemonade, shower again, slip on my windbreaker, and look to the skies.

 
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