Conversation with Conservatives
by Paul Winkelmann
It's no longer fashionable, very American, or even moral,
to criticize or have a different opinion than our President.
We are at war and a united front, some would say, makes us
appear less vulnerable. So what the elected leaders of our
country want to portray is harmony and cooperation, lest they
appear weak and divisive in front of our enemies.
We're all going to get along famously now because the
enemy might be watching. We think they've got CNN.
This new and improved demeanor might be a hard sell after
all the years of partisan investigations and silly sideshows
created with the sole purpose of demonizing the sitting President.
Our own government officials spent every waking moment, plotting
the demise of our President, or actually acting out their
plots by subjecting him to the most vile of treatments. Even
going as far as forcing him to discuss his personal life,
in embarrassing and explicit detail, on national TV.
So what if that petty crusade, disguised as a criminal
investigation, accomplished its goal? Big whoop, the President
was de-legitimized. How does that affect me?
I wonder where the other countries might have gotten the
idea that we are divided and immoral degenerates who can't
even field a decent team of politicians much less an army?
Maybe it was because Americans on Capitol Hill, our supposed
representatives, encouraged their fellow Americans (and conservative
talk show hosts) to treat our democratically elected leader
with such venomous hate and disrespect.
Geez, we had to do something, George lost the Presidency
for crying out loud!
The Democrats have even backed the call for unity, reluctantly
clasping hands with their adversaries from across the aisle,
religiously praying together rather than religiously crucifying
each other. They're both hoping the enemy doesn't believe
the drivel that's been advertised about the last two presidential
What we really need is some long-term-memory-loss.
But this is a new era of cooperation where even intelligent
debate over presidential policy is frowned upon, and criticism
- well that's just not very patriotic. (Not that the new President
has had all that much criticism to complain about. The minimal
criticism he has received has either been so mild that he
himself has joked about it, or it justly labeled him too conservative
and he hurriedly sent it on over his right-wing buddies as
proof-positive that he's just as anti-liberal as the next
Get me Bill Maher's head.
I think some things the President is doing might be wrong,
i.e. the airline executives getting million dollar salaries
and billion dollar bail-outs while their employees get the
shaft. Then there's those Constitutional violations.
The President requires 110% support for his plans and
will not tolerate discussions, arguments, new ideas, improvements,
critiques, quality control, questioning attitudes, editorials,
opinions, rebuttals, forums, logic, dirty looks, name calling,
common sense, or pooh-poohing. Only blind submission. We have
a war to win and we can't do it without giving the President
our utmost cooperation.
Cooperation that was in abundant scarcity for the previous
Come on guys, everyone knows the crippling of the last
President was strictly meant for national consumption. A surgical
strike, if you will, limited to that one President, that one
decade (nearly), not to be inherited by the next administration.
This new guy is much better. He's righteous. He's moral. He
doesn't even get stinking drunk or accept businesses from
daddy's friends anymore. We fully support the Office of the
President - now. We promise. Surely our enemies can see the
logic of this argument, right?
I don't know... the world and our foes have been chowing
down on what we were serving them. They're a little bloated
now and it might take a little force feeding before they swallow
Okay! Okay! We got it. We know our citizens are good and
moral people. From now on we will respect their opinion. We
will abide by their decisions in the voting booth. We will
show them that we can make fun of the President, give him
a mildly hard time, defend our positions like civilized individuals,
yet still show some measure of respect for him and the office
he holds, no matter which political party he's in. We will
work for our country instead of for ourselves.
Too bad it took such horrible circumstances before you caught
on to what we've known for years.
Sorry. Can we go kick some Bin Laden ass now?
By all means, please.