Administration Announces Creation of New Security Agency
DC — At a press conference this morning Presidential spokesman
Ari Fleischer announced the formation of a new Cabinet-level
security department: The Internal Security Police, part of
the new Office of Homeland Security. "Under the direct authority
of the President, this enforcement arm of Homeland security
is authorized to take swift and ruthless action against terrorism
in all its forms: be they suicide bombers, bioterrorists,
drug terrorists, pot smokers, Internet terrorists, copyright
infringers, or sedition terrorists." Fleischer reported. "This
desperately-needed bureau will protect our sacred Homeland
while hardly suppressing any more of your civil liberties.
Most Americans will not even be aware of IntSec. In fact,
you are required by law to ignore any IntSec activities, no
matter how obvious. That includes the press, of course."
attempts at questioning Mr. Fleischer resulted in the prompt
appearance of black-uniformed officers with handsome "IntSec"
patches. "I'd like to thank the New York Times for providing
me with an opportunity to demonstrate the efficiency of our
new organization," Mr. Fleischer said with a boyish grin.
Apparently imitating President Bush's charming and much-beloved
sense of humor, Fleischer added "Hey Adam! We all know you're
a major-league asshole, but you don't need to keep bashing
your face against those nightsticks! That won't improve your
looks. Ouch!" Reporters in the press pool tittered nervously
as Mr. Clymer was carried away.
is precious," said Mr. Fleischer solemnly, "and the new Internal
Security Police will make us more free, by protecting our
freedoms. And since the President knows that a free press
is an important freedom, we've assigned a team of crack IntSec
officers to each of your personally, as well as to your news
organizations. Speaking of which, this will be the final press
briefing at the White House. From now on, all news will be
relayed directly to your organizations through your IntSec
advocates reacted with some alarm to the creation of the new
agency. Harrison Jurgen of the American Civil Liberties Union
reportedly said "In these times of danger we must strive not
only to remain unified, but to hold on to the basic values
of freedom and—hey, what are y—ow! Hey, quit—oof! AAIEEE!
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