Patriotic Duty: Buy More Flags
October 3, 2001
To The American
It has come
to my attention that you are not responding to our public
relations campaign as enthusiastically as we had anticipated.
You are all God-loving patriots who put country far ahead
of your own needs, so I know you can do better. That was proven
by your response to the September 11th attack. You opened
your hearts and checkbooks to the victims and the recently
expanded governing body of the Red Cross thanks you.
your country expects a similar response. We've asked you to
display your flags, but there just isn't enough red, white
and blue out there. I've seen more flags on the Fourth of
I was driving
the Interstate in south Florida last week and counted only
a handful. Where's your spirit? Every gas guzzling SUV in
the country should have Old Glory attached.
example of the Excursion I saw in the fast lane. They had
a full size flag attached to the top of the rear cargo door.
It flew out as they moved, almost touching the VW behind.
When it stopped the flag gently fluttered down until the bottom
corner hung by the exhaust pipe. There it was christened with
the residue of our economy. That's patriotism at its finest.
I hate to
point fingers, but I've been told Austin, Texas has sold out
of earth flags while the stars and bars lay on the shelf.
Texas should know better. What kind of message does it send
when our president's home state puts earth concerns above
We are going
to war folks. Let's get behind this administration, show them
we are ready to spend billions over the next ten years killing
our youth and their civilians. We've got to stoke those emotional
fires. That first dead soldiers return should be so meaningful
that we declare a national day of mourning. And that's going
to require you do more than just wave the flag. We've got
to stop this talk of dissent. You saw what happened to the
host of Politically Incorrect when he dared suggest a reason
for other countries hatred. If he was vulnerable, so are you.
So lets get our thinking right. Repeat after me: America good.
People living over oil fields bad.
So put away
your protest signs and quit writing silly letters to your
senators. Forget the past. It's as dead as the first amendment.
Get over it. There is a war to be won. There is money to be
made. And if you work with us on this we may just cut you
in on the profits. Didn't we give you $300 already?
don't want to stand in the way of capitalism at this great
juncture of history. Think of the pride you will feel when
America heads up the coalition that controls the mid east
oil fields. Your heart will burst when you see our flag stamped
on every 50-gallon drum, because you'll know that America
has brought its freedoms to all people.
And if you
have to sacrifice, it will be a small price. With your new
national ID card you will always have identification to cash
a check! Don't worry about the environment either. Rampant
drilling and nuclear plant construction means jobs. And I
know you'll agree that gas in your tank is more important
than a few caribou.
all come together. The rich who will profit and the poor who
will lose must stand side by side in solidarity. Over the
next few weeks you'll be seeing public service announcements
that will glorify America. (What, you think we pay for airtime?)
Let them calm your fears. Think of the Bushes as loving parents
with your best interest at heart.
So fly those
flags, praise our policy and support massive military buildup.
And if you are really lucky, your family might have the honor
of being the first to have their son come home in a box.