Democratic Underground

Your Patriotic Duty: Buy More Flags
October 3, 2001
by Terry Vanden-Bosch

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To The American People,

It has come to my attention that you are not responding to our public relations campaign as enthusiastically as we had anticipated. You are all God-loving patriots who put country far ahead of your own needs, so I know you can do better. That was proven by your response to the September 11th attack. You opened your hearts and checkbooks to the victims and the recently expanded governing body of the Red Cross thanks you.

And now your country expects a similar response. We've asked you to display your flags, but there just isn't enough red, white and blue out there. I've seen more flags on the Fourth of July.

I was driving the Interstate in south Florida last week and counted only a handful. Where's your spirit? Every gas guzzling SUV in the country should have Old Glory attached.

Follow the example of the Excursion I saw in the fast lane. They had a full size flag attached to the top of the rear cargo door. It flew out as they moved, almost touching the VW behind. When it stopped the flag gently fluttered down until the bottom corner hung by the exhaust pipe. There it was christened with the residue of our economy. That's patriotism at its finest.

Buy more flags.

I hate to point fingers, but I've been told Austin, Texas has sold out of earth flags while the stars and bars lay on the shelf. Texas should know better. What kind of message does it send when our president's home state puts earth concerns above patriotic duty?

We are going to war folks. Let's get behind this administration, show them we are ready to spend billions over the next ten years killing our youth and their civilians. We've got to stoke those emotional fires. That first dead soldiers return should be so meaningful that we declare a national day of mourning. And that's going to require you do more than just wave the flag. We've got to stop this talk of dissent. You saw what happened to the host of Politically Incorrect when he dared suggest a reason for other countries hatred. If he was vulnerable, so are you. So lets get our thinking right. Repeat after me: America good. People living over oil fields bad.

So put away your protest signs and quit writing silly letters to your senators. Forget the past. It's as dead as the first amendment. Get over it. There is a war to be won. There is money to be made. And if you work with us on this we may just cut you in on the profits. Didn't we give you $300 already?

Surely you don't want to stand in the way of capitalism at this great juncture of history. Think of the pride you will feel when America heads up the coalition that controls the mid east oil fields. Your heart will burst when you see our flag stamped on every 50-gallon drum, because you'll know that America has brought its freedoms to all people.

And if you have to sacrifice, it will be a small price. With your new national ID card you will always have identification to cash a check! Don't worry about the environment either. Rampant drilling and nuclear plant construction means jobs. And I know you'll agree that gas in your tank is more important than a few caribou.

We must all come together. The rich who will profit and the poor who will lose must stand side by side in solidarity. Over the next few weeks you'll be seeing public service announcements that will glorify America. (What, you think we pay for airtime?) Let them calm your fears. Think of the Bushes as loving parents with your best interest at heart.

So fly those flags, praise our policy and support massive military buildup. And if you are really lucky, your family might have the honor of being the first to have their son come home in a box.

Yours in patriotic glory,

Karl Rove