Jesus, Football, and the White House
September 5, 2001
by Fr. Mushroom

I never thought I'd live long enough to say that somewhere, some group is imitating Fr. Mushroom's high school football team. Brothers and sisters, the White House is traveling down the path to mediocrity and hypocrisy, and that path is paved with prayer meetings.

Media Whores Online reports that important White House employees are taking time out during their busy week to meet from noon to 1:00 PM each Thursday for prayer meetings. What a heartwarming and precious sight - "some four dozen staffers from all over the White House complex" taking time to "break away from their high-stress work for an hour and remember whose kingdom they really serve."

So what does that have do to with Fr. Mushroom's football team? You see, back in the 1970's, I played a little high school football. That's when one of my buddies said to me, "If you want to start next year, you'd better start going to the FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) meetings." The meetings took place, un-strangely enough, at the football coach's house.

FCA is a group designed to promote good sportsmanship/sportswomanship and camaraderie through faith. It's interdenominational, and I'm sure varies in different parts of the country - some I'm sure are very humble and sincere. But in the case of Fr. Mushroom's hometown, the meetings were populated by the biggest pot-smoking, beer-drinking, women-screwing members of the school, let alone the football team. But, it had to be done - if you wanna play, you gotta pray.

Jesus welcomed everyone to sit at table with him, and he didn't expect perfection. He even expected us to fall down once in awhile. It's the effort at living a righteous life that mattered to Jesus. He didn't expect saints, but he didn't expect young men to go from the FCA meeting to the liquor store to the pharmacy ("YOU look like you're 18, YOU buy the condoms!") It was hypocrites that tested his patience.

There's about as much sincerity at these White House prayer meetings as there was when Fr. Mushroom's football buddies gathered to pray. And while the sincerity is about the same, the hypocrisy in the White House is much, much worse. Sit down and bow your head - no, not next to the gay-basher - no, not by the racist either - that's right, next to the gun nut. Who's leading our prayer meeting today, anyway?

Oh, that's right - the fellow who signed 134 death warrants in Texas. Mr. President, you may proceed.