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The Sheep Women
September 1, 2001
by anonymous

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I have started to think of Ann Coulter, Laura Ingraham, and Barbara Olson, collectively, as "The Sheep Women." Not only do they all have the same pallid, ovine face and barnyard demeanor, but they all gained their fame and fortunes by bleating at anyone carrying a microphone "Save us from Bii-iii-iilll! Save us from Bii-iii-iill!" They are in fact still doing it, having failed to notice, no doubt, that Bill is no longer running the farm. Hasn't been for months.

I've always thought there was an air of "the lady doth protest to much" about their denunciations. It seems clear that even as they bleat about how evil Clinton is, their tails raise uncontrollably and they hindquarters quiver. It's a jones; they can't give it up no matter how they try. I just can't imagine any of them working up that kind of fervor for Spurious George, and anyway, it's a really disagreeable visual image, isn't it?

And then the horrible truth dawned on me. Aside from looking like Dolly, these women have more, much more in common with her. Yes, they are clones. The recent controversy over human cloning was entirely moot. It is a fait accompli. If you remember the Dolly story at all you might remember she was cloned from the mammary tissue of her donor, and I suspect that is also the case with the Sheep Women.

Barring a deathbed confession from the mad doctor who perpetrated this ghastly hoax on the American viewing public I don't suppose we'll even know who the donor is, but I have reason to believe the mammary tissue came from the rancid teat of Lucianne Goldberg. It only takes a whiff of one of Jonah's columns to prove that no good can come from that direction.

The motive is clear enough; replace every talking head in the US with these blonde twits whose job it is to stupify us into submission with their vapidity [rhetorical question: is it a job requirement for Republican women in public positions to go blonde (what I call the Nancy Reagan effect)? This does not bode well for Condi Rice.] That way the next election theft will be much easier than the recent unpleasantness in Florida when Jebby just about didn't pull it off.

Conspiracy theory? Judge for yourself. Have a friend run a collection of sound bites from the Sheep Women (have a drink first) while you are blindfolded, and see if you can tell the apart. Babs? Annie? Definitely little Laurie? Who can tell? Better yet, make a drinking game of it. Pound a beer every time one of them mentions Bill or Hillary; it's the only easy way to watch any of them.

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