September 1, 2001
I have started to think of Ann Coulter, Laura Ingraham, and
Barbara Olson, collectively, as "The Sheep Women." Not only
do they all have the same pallid, ovine face and barnyard
demeanor, but they all gained their fame and fortunes by bleating
at anyone carrying a microphone "Save us from Bii-iii-iilll!
Save us from Bii-iii-iill!" They are in fact still doing it,
having failed to notice, no doubt, that Bill is no longer
running the farm. Hasn't been for months.
I've always thought there was an air of "the lady doth protest
to much" about their denunciations. It seems clear that even
as they bleat about how evil Clinton is, their tails raise
uncontrollably and they hindquarters quiver. It's a jones;
they can't give it up no matter how they try. I just can't
imagine any of them working up that kind of fervor for Spurious
George, and anyway, it's a really disagreeable visual image,
And then the horrible truth dawned on me. Aside from looking
like Dolly, these women have more, much more in common with
her. Yes, they are clones. The recent controversy over human
cloning was entirely moot. It is a fait accompli. If you remember
the Dolly story at all you might remember she was cloned from
the mammary tissue of her donor, and I suspect that is also
the case with the Sheep Women.
Barring a deathbed confession from the mad doctor who perpetrated
this ghastly hoax on the American viewing public I don't suppose
we'll even know who the donor is, but I have reason to believe
the mammary tissue came from the rancid teat of Lucianne Goldberg.
It only takes a whiff of one of Jonah's columns to prove that
no good can come from that direction.
The motive is clear enough; replace every talking head in
the US with these blonde twits whose job it is to stupify
us into submission with their vapidity [rhetorical question:
is it a job requirement for Republican women in public positions
to go blonde (what I call the Nancy Reagan effect)? This does
not bode well for Condi Rice.] That way the next election
theft will be much easier than the recent unpleasantness in
Florida when Jebby just about didn't pull it off.
Conspiracy theory? Judge for yourself. Have a friend run
a collection of sound bites from the Sheep Women (have a drink
first) while you are blindfolded, and see if you can tell
the apart. Babs? Annie? Definitely little Laurie? Who can
tell? Better yet, make a drinking game of it. Pound a beer
every time one of them mentions Bill or Hillary; it's the
only easy way to watch any of them.