from the A.C.L.MOO
August 10, 2001
The president is at 'the ranch' until Labor Day and as always
the event causes a real uproar in the ACL-Moo... the Association
of Cow Liberals! Recently I had the honor of speaking to both
President George. W. Bull and his female counterpart, Bessie
Bovine. They are each erudite and noble representatives of
their organization and I was duly impressed with what they
had to say.
Like most minorities in America they are voiceless and depend
on websites like The DU to spread their message. The orginazation
was exceedingly upset by recent comments concerning Bush's
practice of 'communing' with Cows.The Bulls and Cows of Crawford
are particularly vociferous in their outrage and called it
an egregious lie.
Bessie, a soft mooer told a gathering of like-minded individuals
that she felt personally insulted. She protested Bush's intrusion
into what is almost always a calm, bucolic scene. "He makes
us all very nervous," she mooed. "Whenever he walks by and
tries to talk to us we get quadruple upset stomachs and don't
give milk for days." She sighed deeply. "I wish he'd just
stay in Washington and let us be."
George W. Bull was not so kind. He stomped through the barn
doors and stampeded to the fence, pounded his hooves into
the dust and looked all around before making a brash indictment.
"Damn!" he snorted furiously, "the damned press will be everywhere.
How in hell is a damned Bull supposed to get down to BIDNESS
with the damned press hounding us? Talk about a loss of privacy!"
He was particularly offended by the fact that Bush has announced
Putin will be visiting the ranch.
"That tears it!" he snorted, "he'll bring that damned commie
around and brag about my stud-ability! I hate that." He added
however that Bush had imitated Bulls during his youth and
he supposed that Bulls everywhere should be flattered, but
obviously he was not.
He snorted angrily that he and his organizers are lining
up for Federal funds in the faith-based initiative. "After
all," he snorted assertively, "Bulls and Cows have faith.
We pray all the time to be saved from the slaughterhouse!"
GW's beef with GW Bush started years before when Bull demanded
an end to the death penalty. Since then Bulls and The Bovines
have been actively protesting and say they will take their
case to the Supreme Court if they are denied. Having personally
witnessed Bull's savage sensibilites, I do not doubt it for
"Can you imagine that fool sayin' he communes with Cows,
for heaven's sake?" He snorted derisively. "Dubya HATES Cows..."
Steam erupted from his nose and he banged his enormous head
against the fence. "He's scared to death of Cows and he wouldn't
dare look ME in the eye!" I was afraid to look him in the
eye. He is really fearsome!
"We have to defend ourselves," he snorted plaintively, "otherwise...we're
hamburger!" With a toss of his horns he added, "we voted for
Gore. Bulls adore Gore!" Of course their votes didn't count...like
so many others.
Walking across the bleak, cow-pattied landscape, I sypathized
with their plight. They are handsome, peaceful animals, with
the exception of GW Bull and his compatriots. Who, like all
liberals, are at the mercy of people in power.