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A Message from the A.C.L.MOO
August 10, 2001
by EFF BrandyWine

The president is at 'the ranch' until Labor Day and as always the event causes a real uproar in the ACL-Moo... the Association of Cow Liberals! Recently I had the honor of speaking to both President George. W. Bull and his female counterpart, Bessie Bovine. They are each erudite and noble representatives of their organization and I was duly impressed with what they had to say.

Like most minorities in America they are voiceless and depend on websites like The DU to spread their message. The orginazation was exceedingly upset by recent comments concerning Bush's practice of 'communing' with Cows.The Bulls and Cows of Crawford are particularly vociferous in their outrage and called it an egregious lie.

Bessie, a soft mooer told a gathering of like-minded individuals that she felt personally insulted. She protested Bush's intrusion into what is almost always a calm, bucolic scene. "He makes us all very nervous," she mooed. "Whenever he walks by and tries to talk to us we get quadruple upset stomachs and don't give milk for days." She sighed deeply. "I wish he'd just stay in Washington and let us be."

George W. Bull was not so kind. He stomped through the barn doors and stampeded to the fence, pounded his hooves into the dust and looked all around before making a brash indictment. "Damn!" he snorted furiously, "the damned press will be everywhere. How in hell is a damned Bull supposed to get down to BIDNESS with the damned press hounding us? Talk about a loss of privacy!" He was particularly offended by the fact that Bush has announced Putin will be visiting the ranch.

"That tears it!" he snorted, "he'll bring that damned commie around and brag about my stud-ability! I hate that." He added however that Bush had imitated Bulls during his youth and he supposed that Bulls everywhere should be flattered, but obviously he was not.

He snorted angrily that he and his organizers are lining up for Federal funds in the faith-based initiative. "After all," he snorted assertively, "Bulls and Cows have faith. We pray all the time to be saved from the slaughterhouse!"

GW's beef with GW Bush started years before when Bull demanded an end to the death penalty. Since then Bulls and The Bovines have been actively protesting and say they will take their case to the Supreme Court if they are denied. Having personally witnessed Bull's savage sensibilites, I do not doubt it for an instant.

"Can you imagine that fool sayin' he communes with Cows, for heaven's sake?" He snorted derisively. "Dubya HATES Cows..." Steam erupted from his nose and he banged his enormous head against the fence. "He's scared to death of Cows and he wouldn't dare look ME in the eye!" I was afraid to look him in the eye. He is really fearsome!

"We have to defend ourselves," he snorted plaintively, "otherwise...we're hamburger!" With a toss of his horns he added, "we voted for Gore. Bulls adore Gore!" Of course their votes didn't count...like so many others.

Walking across the bleak, cow-pattied landscape, I sypathized with their plight. They are handsome, peaceful animals, with the exception of GW Bull and his compatriots. Who, like all liberals, are at the mercy of people in power.

 
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