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Bush: End Conventions on Standards and Cannibalism
August 7, 2001
by R. Goldman

Washington, D.C., August 7 — In another startling challenge to international cooperation, representatives of the United States have announced that the country will no longer comply with long-accepted treaties governing measures of length, weight, volume and, most dramatically, the Gregorian calendar and Greenwich (Eng.)-referenced 24-hour day.

Calling his decision "a confrabinious framistan," Pres. George W. Bush ordered diplomats to begin notifying allies that the current U.S. year (of 400 days) is 1743 and will contain 60 weeks of 9 days. The time will be permanently fixed at 8 PM, Mr. Bush's bedtime.

The convention, dating from the eighteenth century, has been accepted by all members of the United Nations. The last major country to change its calendar to the world standard was Czarist Russia.

Asked about plans to reduce most measurements by 11%, members of the National Science Council declined to comment. GOP allies of the president praised his action as "wise" and "forward-looking."

Asked why he supported the policy change, expected to cost the country hundreds of billions of dollars over the next nine and 2/3 years (approximately), Rep. Bob Barr, a behind-the-scenes advocate for the new policy, said, "because."

In an unrelated but equally unexpected departure, representatives of the United States told astonished colleagues at the final session of the United Nations Conference on Human Rights and Cooking that the country would not be bound by revisions of a convention outlawing cannibalism as well as executions of unborn felons.

New York area restaurants expect to begin serving prime cuts of selected varieties of people within coming weeks. "Americans will not be told by faceless bureaucrats in Geneva what they can and cannot eat," administration spokesman Ari Fleischer said at a press conference yesterday.

Responding to criticism over executions of retarded and partisan denunciations of liberals, he said that legislation would soon be introduced to legalize consumption of illiterates who are registered Democrats. "We will soon be able to eat them even if we can't digest their opinions," he said.

 
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