End Conventions on Standards and Cannibalism
August 7, 2001
Washington, D.C., August 7 In another startling challenge
to international cooperation, representatives of the United
States have announced that the country will no longer comply
with long-accepted treaties governing measures of length,
weight, volume and, most dramatically, the Gregorian calendar
and Greenwich (Eng.)-referenced 24-hour day.
Calling his decision "a confrabinious framistan,"
Pres. George W. Bush ordered diplomats to begin notifying
allies that the current U.S. year (of 400 days) is 1743 and
will contain 60 weeks of 9 days. The time will be permanently
fixed at 8 PM, Mr. Bush's bedtime.
The convention, dating from the eighteenth century, has been
accepted by all members of the United Nations. The last major
country to change its calendar to the world standard was Czarist
Asked about plans to reduce most measurements by 11%, members
of the National Science Council declined to comment. GOP allies
of the president praised his action as "wise" and
Asked why he supported the policy change, expected to cost
the country hundreds of billions of dollars over the next
nine and 2/3 years (approximately), Rep. Bob Barr, a behind-the-scenes
advocate for the new policy, said, "because."
In an unrelated but equally unexpected departure, representatives
of the United States told astonished colleagues at the final
session of the United Nations Conference on Human Rights and
Cooking that the country would not be bound by revisions of
a convention outlawing cannibalism as well as executions of
New York area restaurants expect to begin serving prime cuts
of selected varieties of people within coming weeks. "Americans
will not be told by faceless bureaucrats in Geneva what they
can and cannot eat," administration spokesman Ari Fleischer
said at a press conference yesterday.
Responding to criticism over executions of retarded and partisan
denunciations of liberals, he said that legislation would
soon be introduced to legalize consumption of illiterates
who are registered Democrats. "We will soon be able to
eat them even if we can't digest their opinions," he