at the NA Meeting (An Allegorical Mediation)
July 21, 2001
"Addiction is a craving for something which we don't need."
Bruce Wilshire, Wild Hunger (published by Rowman
Hi, I'm USA and I might be a crystal meth addict. (Hi,
USA, the crowd of addict-nations mumbles.)
This is my first time at this meeting (Welcome! )
-and I must say - thank you! Uh, yes. Well, let me get out
with it. First of all, I'm not sure I have a problem, OK?
I'm only here because my buddies, England and Germany thought
it might be a good idea if I came here, though my girlfriends
Mexico and Colombia aren't so sure. They're good girls who
do what I tell them, so long as I keep giving them money for
their coke habits. I'm pretty sure I'm right on this, though.
But I can say that my life seems to be a bit out of control.
I do a little coke, myself, and I do like my alcohol, too.
Crystal is where it's at, though. Know what I'm saying? But
I can still function.
Everyone out there really thinks I'm great. Really. I don't
know why you guys don't just come out and admit it. Should
just stop jumping on my case. I don't know what the big deal
is with Kyoto and global warming. I'm on the planet too. I
like it warm. See, I really know what's best for the world,
you know. I'm bigger than any one else, and I have more weapons
too. That proves it, why am I wasting my time here? And if
you don't like it, well screw you, you know? You're going
to like it even if I have to bomb your ass to make it happen.
I know you're all just joshing with me, because they know
I know what's best for them and don't have the strength to
admit to it. I'm a Cancer, which means I'm like Mom, you know?
That means I care.
(Though don't tell anyone I know what my star-sign is. I'm
supposed to be a devout Christian, too. And actually, England
and Germany tell me there's a 12-step program for that addiction
too, believe it or not. I can at least admit that - I sure
am a religious addict, all right. I mainline God into my veins.
Goes pretty good with crystal.)
Well, anyway, I heard your qualification-that the word? for
just telling a story of your life? Well, Russia, I'd just
like to say I sort of identify with you. I feel like the whole
world is out to get me, but can't they see I really know stuff
and everything? So I do crystal, is that going to bring on
Armageddon? I like the way it makes me feel. I feel powerful
on crystal, you know? I see there are some nodding heads here.
Oh, they might be heroin addicts, though? I don't know.
I've tried to kick this habit before. There were 8 years
there where it wasn't so bad, though I would get cravings
every once in awhile. I'd rip off some black people to get
my fix. Or some poor people-they're pushovers. Or some faggots,
too. I know I'm supposed to "care" about them. They're all
some people I'd really like to "care" away into a camp or
I'm just kidding. But you know, I have sometimes thought
about even selling my grandma into slavery just to keep myself
in crystal. And I don't ever want to cross those old-folks.
They're so treacherous. My buds England and Germany tell me
that this kind of need is a problem. When I would do anything
to get my fix. But that's all I need. To "Fix" myself. Get
it? Fix? Hee hee. I told 'em "when I see that I'm hanging
around with bottom-feeders like Iran and Libya, I'll call
you." And here I am telling Afghanistan he's all right. Heh.
Don't that beat all.
(The chair of the meeting interrupts: Um, Sir, I have
to ask you to stop. You took something today? It's OK, but
you should talk to someone after the meeting. )
What the hell you saying? You trying to censor me?
(We ask that if you've been taking any self-prescribed
Look, what in hell is your name? Brazil - what a funny word
that is - I don't like being told to shut up. You don't know
who you're dealing with.
(That may be, sir, but there are other countries who
have a need to share who have put together a couple of days.
So, if you would be so kind. )
Whatever. What the f-
USA gets up and storm out in a huff, throwing a chair
at France in the process, because why not?