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America at the NA Meeting (An Allegorical Mediation)
July 21, 2001
by Richard Morell

"Addiction is a craving for something which we don't need."
          - Bruce Wilshire, Wild Hunger (published by Rowman & Littlefield)

Hi, I'm USA and I might be a crystal meth addict. (Hi, USA, the crowd of addict-nations mumbles.)

This is my first time at this meeting (Welcome! ) -and I must say - thank you! Uh, yes. Well, let me get out with it. First of all, I'm not sure I have a problem, OK? I'm only here because my buddies, England and Germany thought it might be a good idea if I came here, though my girlfriends Mexico and Colombia aren't so sure. They're good girls who do what I tell them, so long as I keep giving them money for their coke habits. I'm pretty sure I'm right on this, though. But I can say that my life seems to be a bit out of control. I do a little coke, myself, and I do like my alcohol, too. Crystal is where it's at, though. Know what I'm saying? But I can still function.

Everyone out there really thinks I'm great. Really. I don't know why you guys don't just come out and admit it. Should just stop jumping on my case. I don't know what the big deal is with Kyoto and global warming. I'm on the planet too. I like it warm. See, I really know what's best for the world, you know. I'm bigger than any one else, and I have more weapons too. That proves it, why am I wasting my time here? And if you don't like it, well screw you, you know? You're going to like it even if I have to bomb your ass to make it happen. I know you're all just joshing with me, because they know I know what's best for them and don't have the strength to admit to it. I'm a Cancer, which means I'm like Mom, you know? That means I care.

(Though don't tell anyone I know what my star-sign is. I'm supposed to be a devout Christian, too. And actually, England and Germany tell me there's a 12-step program for that addiction too, believe it or not. I can at least admit that - I sure am a religious addict, all right. I mainline God into my veins. Goes pretty good with crystal.)

Well, anyway, I heard your qualification-that the word? for just telling a story of your life? Well, Russia, I'd just like to say I sort of identify with you. I feel like the whole world is out to get me, but can't they see I really know stuff and everything? So I do crystal, is that going to bring on Armageddon? I like the way it makes me feel. I feel powerful on crystal, you know? I see there are some nodding heads here. Oh, they might be heroin addicts, though? I don't know.

I've tried to kick this habit before. There were 8 years there where it wasn't so bad, though I would get cravings every once in awhile. I'd rip off some black people to get my fix. Or some poor people-they're pushovers. Or some faggots, too. I know I'm supposed to "care" about them. They're all some people I'd really like to "care" away into a camp or something.

I'm just kidding. But you know, I have sometimes thought about even selling my grandma into slavery just to keep myself in crystal. And I don't ever want to cross those old-folks. They're so treacherous. My buds England and Germany tell me that this kind of need is a problem. When I would do anything to get my fix. But that's all I need. To "Fix" myself. Get it? Fix? Hee hee. I told 'em "when I see that I'm hanging around with bottom-feeders like Iran and Libya, I'll call you." And here I am telling Afghanistan he's all right. Heh. Don't that beat all.

(The chair of the meeting interrupts: Um, Sir, I have to ask you to stop. You took something today? It's OK, but you should talk to someone after the meeting. )

What the hell you saying? You trying to censor me?

(We ask that if you've been taking any self-prescribed mood-changers today--)

Look, what in hell is your name? Brazil - what a funny word that is - I don't like being told to shut up. You don't know who you're dealing with.

(That may be, sir, but there are other countries who have a need to share who have put together a couple of days. So, if you would be so kind. )

Whatever. What the f-

USA gets up and storm out in a huff, throwing a chair at France in the process, because why not?

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