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The
Cuddly And Lovable Robert Novak
July 7, 2001
by Bradford Shaw
When leading conservatives get together to compare notes
and discuss media control and representation, Robert Novak
is surely a subject of affectionate adoration. With his slightly
sardonic smile, which, as an aside, resembles the smile and
basic dental structure of "Mr. Sardonicus" the title character
of the classic black and white horror film, he is sure to
charm and warm the heart of his fellow right wingers.
His basic 'speak tough, with the hint of peanut butter on
the back of your palate' style has held the undivided attention
of many a young Republican intern of both sexes for several
decades now. In addition, the combination of his citified
manner, coupled with a patented Wall Street look has guaranteed
his desirability to both conservative women, and, I'm sure,
some conservative men. Whichever way you swing your golf club,
Bob Novak has you covered in the conservative hunk category.
From his many appearances on CNN's Crossfire, to his own
show, Evans and Novak (later, Evans, Novak, Hunt and Shields),
and including a regular seat on The Capital Gang, the ubiquitous
Mr. Novak is undoubtedly one of the leading spokesmen for
the Republican cause. His opinions are heard weekly, if not
nightly, and he freely voices the concerns, hopes, dreams,
and narrow focused plans of his fellow conservatives. He is
a paragon of virtue and a true role model for short, balding
and unintelligible middle-aged property owners throughout
the United States.
Though sometimes tough and unrelenting in his expression
of opinion, Robert Novak (Bob to his friends) has several
qualities that make him cuddly and lovable.
Cuddly and Lovable?
Granted, Bob Novak is a conservative icon, but what makes
him so cuddly and lovable? Several answers immediately come
into focus. The first indication of his true cuddly nature
comes in the form of his belief in the rights of the 'unborn'.
The picture of the grizzled, stern, and sometimes strident
Novak holding a newborn baby in his arms would be enough to
melt the heart of even the most jaded liberal. The very thought
of him tickling and playing with the baby is quite endearing
to most average people, and with every 'cootchie-coo' and
'I'm gonna get your nose!' uttered, Bob wins automatic points
with soccer moms across the country.
We, as a nation, know that every conservative who is for
the banning of abortion rights has the welfare of the unborn
child in mind. It has nothing to do with the need for a localized
working class, or the attempt to legislate morality. We also
know that conservatives like Novak would jump at the chance
to support these unwanted children emotionally and fiscally.
We all know that is a fact, right? No? What do you mean that
Novak wouldn't be caught dead holding a baby, fearing that
it could leak feces, urine, or vomit onto his Brooks Brothers
suit?
Well there are other reasons. Another measure of cuddliness
is the physical factor. Robert Novak is rather small in stature,
even though that fact is not readily apparent to the average
television viewer. Due to his diminutive size, he is readily
placed into the 'I could just pick him up and cuddle him for
hours!' category that is often reserved for Robert Reich.
In addition, he has a certain 'Bulldog' appearance due to
his facial structure and poor comb-over. Bulldogs, especially
English bulldogs, are cuddly and lovable. They are ugly to
the point of being cute, with their wrinkled brows and floppy
jowls. Just like Bob. English bulldogs also have an adorable,
if not nearly intelligible bark, which is a direct result
of a respiratory system, which prevents them from being heard
in a normal manner, due to the presence of excess tissue.
Kind of similar to Mr. Novak's dental structure and palate,
which make him difficult to understand at times.
Another thing that endears Novak to average Americans is
his desire to express himself through his automobile. He lives
the clich� of the older, semi-retired citizen who feels the
need to rekindle the flames of his youth through the ownership
and use of what could be classified as an inappropriate vehicle
for a person of his age and reaction time, a Chevrolet Corvette.
Most Americans would agree that it is an individuals right
to drive whatever automobile he or she can afford, providing
that they can handle the complexity of ownership through driving
safely and responsibly, with the proper insurance and license.
Mr. Novak's insistence on owning and driving a high powered
sports car such as the Corvette, reminds people of that slightly
eccentric uncle with the Porsche, or perhaps an aunt with
a motorcycle fetish. It's adorable and quite human to want
to step out of your everyday role and escape to a fantasy
world, even if it's just for the commute to work.
Personally, there isn't enough insurance and traffic control
available for me to feel safe on the road with Bob. I would
be afraid that his senior citizen reaction time couldn't cut
it while driving such a high performance vehicle. In addition,
he might receive an important cell phone call that could distract
him and possibly lead to an accident, or worse, more airtime
on CNN. I am sure that Mr. Novak makes enough money to be
able to afford a driver. Please, Bob, for the sake of the
rest of us, hire a limo.
That aside, another reason to find Novak lovable, is his
concern for the financial outlook for our nation. For many
years, he has championed the cause of fiscal conservatism,
in Washington and elsewhere. He has repeated his support for
downsizing the federal government in an effort to save the
financial fortunes of all working class Americans, as well
as their well-to-do neighbors. Nothing warms the heart of
conservative America like a spokesperson such as Novak making
reference to the fact that 'Social Security' and 'Public assistance
such as welfare and food stamps' were never mentioned outright
in the Constitution or Bill of Rights.
Such federal programs are, in his opinion, unconstitutional,
and a waste of federal resources. They should be done away
with in favor of faith-based charities, he says. He and his
fellow conservatives never mention getting rid of the charitable
tax deduction for churches however, and would probably become
addicted to such a mechanism in future years in order to relieve
themselves of unnecessary tax burden\s.
A Lovable Conservative Role Model
In terms of lovability, Robert Novak literally oozes charisma.
With each new television appearance, Bob treats us to a non-stop
assailment of liberalism, tolerance, and inclusiveness in
a manner that appears extremely popular with the right-wing
crowd. His attacks are constant, consistent, and concise,
according to his own standards. This year-in, year-out ideological
stubbornness is nearly unparalleled in modern politics, and
is seen as an attractive feature by fellow Republican spokesmen.
They see his implacable demand for worldwide conservatism
as strength, not a weakness. They consider his inability to
progress forward as 'grounding in tradition', or 'an ability
to stay the course'.
This is quite sexy to the small minority of rich, and ultra-rich
patrons of Republican politics. Every time he attempts to
quash progressive ideas that might jeopardize the status quo
of the top money holders in this country, he makes unseen
brownie points with them. Every time he champions the rights
of the unborn, some unattractive behemoth of a woman in Middle
America quakes with Novak lust. And additionally, every time
he puts down the Democrats, some lovely 350-pound Novak groupie
of undetermined sexuality is sent into a 'case of the vapors'.
Another aspect of his lovability is his unchallenged mastery
of elocution and nuance. His communication skills are unusual,
to say the least, and his selection as media representative
to one of the worlds leading news sources is bold and unprecedented
in nature. It was a bold decision, in that many Americans
can remember hearing a teacher or lecturer who sounded like
Novak sometime in high school or college. This educator usually
had a nickname such as 'mush-mouth' or 'unintelligible-man',
and was made fun of by the entire student body. With this
type of communication, one usually finds oneself sympathizing
with the poor schlep, feeling a deep sense of pity for those
less fortunate than us.
We also have a tendency to empathize with these people, and
can often find such shortcomings and signs of humanity as
endearing qualities, in a sort of self-deprecating way. Well
as you can see, Robert Novak can, and does, show himself to
be extremely lovable to a certain audience segment with each
televised appearance. After reading this article, the next
time that you watch Crossfire, listen for the trademark Novak
growl as he signs off with "We'll see you next time with another
addition of Crossfire!" and imagine the hoards of conservative
fans, hanging on every word, anticipating his moves and body
language, wishing that they could just give him a hug. He
is so cuddly and lovable.
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