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Fill 'Er Up With The Usual
June 14, 2001
by Kurt Kurowski

To paraphrase Ronnie Reagan at his adorable Grandaddy best, "There they go again!" Gasoline has entered Summer reruns as its bloated price begins to shrivel faster than Rush Limbaugh's pecker in an unheated pool. Politicians and angry citizens everywhere have prompted this suspicious dip by once again calling for investigations. And, oh yes, prompting comes as well from divinely inspired action on the part of Sen. J. Jeffords, patriot and BIG TIME butt-kicker.

Now that Senate Democrats can set the agenda - as well as set energy execs to scurrying like cockroaches - let's request they get to the bottom of this mess that first emerged from the dank swamp otherwise known as the Bush presidential campaign. That oily beast continues to lumber like an all-purpose bogeyman through the Bush White House. You know, the scary monster we should not fear because spurious George, who obeyed his handlers by wearing a white hat as he headed for Washington, will be the good guy who saves us with huge tax cuts and more drilling than Wilt Chamberlain ever dreamed of.

Sigh! My hero George. He looked so dreamy in that moon-colored Stetson - or was it a Sombrero?

I have my doubts that anyone will be completely successful in ferreting out the "me wantee more wampum" weasels that keep gas prices on the move and the state of California in permanent "Coastal Starlight." I suspect that after the cigarette industry stood before America with its shorts around its ankles and its lying butt exposed, more judicious use has been made of paper shredders across the great American coporate landscape.

But they can try.

I understand that California is offering cash rewards to those with inside information that will help to prove it's all a screw-job. Maybe they should offer witness protection as well. Energy concerns are notorious for responding to unfavorable comments by way of letters to the editor with cold language that manages to sound like a threat. The fact that these responses incorporate mostly spin pales in comparison to the "Karen Silkwood" chill that slaloms down the slope of your spine as you read these retorts of barely repressed anger.

My point here is that the industry's negative feelings for a stool-pigeon are likely to be much, much scarier. While I encourage those brave enough to do it , most of us aren't in a position to trade insider secrets for a million bucks. But from California to Texas, Texas to Vermont, we certainly can ask our representatives to keep investigating the gas pumps, meters and power lines for at least as long a time as the Republican perverts investigated President BC's penis.

Even some of the most apolitical citizens no longer believe that all this energy crisis nonsense is a result of the market in action. Indeed, the last investigation showed some fast ones were being pulled by a segment of the industry, but no evidence of collusion was found. Well, you'd have to be pretty dense to leave evidence like that lying around, or to even think you'd need to check with each other to make sure Industry insiders Cheney/Bush/Rice/ et al, would do right by you should you happen to toss them millions of dollars.

In fact I'd say you'd be about as dense as a certain Mr. you-know-who , whom nevertheless looks sweet as kuchen in a fetching creamy halo of a cowboy hat that I'm guessing was picked out by Karen Hughes.

The real energy question is: how long can the Bushmobile keep running on empty?

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