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The One-Terminator

June 13, 2001
Produced by D. Osborne

The year is 2001, and right wing America is basking in the euphoria of a full government takeover, complete with the successful coup of their fearless fuehrer, George the Dumber. Trent Lott and Tom Delay are hammering away at our civil liberties faster than Bull Conner at a Wu Tang concert. It appears as though nothing can stand in the way of the inevitable rubber stamping of the extreme right's agenda, when all of a sudden... DISASTER STRIKES!!!

Faulty wiring, a renegade Cyborg on the loose, a coup of one, and a fresh slate of Senate Committee Chairmen ignite the largest single revolutionary movement since the 2000 Presidential selection. In the blink of an eye, the conservative utopia is reduced to a West Texas shanty town, and there's going to be hell to pay for the red-commie instigator who started this prison riot.

Only one man can save the day. If he succeeds, our way of life will be preserved through a series of tribunals and public executions of all traitorous elements among us. If he fails, it will be nothing less than the complete annihilation of American society and the end of Western Civilization as we know it...

Arnold Schwarzenegger ... Hank the Angry Dwarf as Resident Bush ... Tom Metzger as Karl Rove ... Kathy Bates as Karen Hughes ... Kermit the Frog as Ari Fleischer ... and Charlton Heston as Cletus, the gun-toting escapee from the asylum ... star in: "THE ONE-TERMINATOR."

(Roll Clip)

[The White House, 11:30 am]

Karl Rove: (Bursting into the Oval Office, waking w.) Jesus Christ, that son of a bitch wasn't kidding around this time, George! He finally did it!

Bush: (Yawning, belching, and snorting) What is you talkin' 'bout, Rover?

Rove: (Tears streaming down his face) That spineless communist pinko Jeffords defected! We just lost control of the Senate George! Our agenda is up the creek!

Bush: (Bug-eyed) Jeffords defected!? To what country, Latin America? I knew'd that bastard speaks Mexican! Get President Cheney on the phone so he can tells us what we needs to do (Rove slumps into fetal position and begins to shake uncontrollably). Maybe we still got time to bomb that sum' bitch off the map before he touches down on foreign soil. We gonna give Mr. Jeffries a little lesson in justice- Texas style, if ya know what I mean, heh, heh, heh. Ain't that right, Rover?

Rove: (Exasperated to the point of nausea) For the love of God, you can't be serious!! I swear, the more you speak the more I'm starting to believe in retro-active abortions. Don't say another word until I command you. (rips door open) Ari, get me my pills!! Now!! And tell Cheney that unless he has a strong urge to eat hospital food tonight, he better head for the mountains until further notice.

Ari Fleischer: (Prances in, fresh from a $1000-a-plate reception honoring him for winning his 5th consecutive White House Ass Kisser of the Month Award) Oh my God Karl, are you ok? Look, you vomited all over your pretty brown suit! You wanna come back to my place so I can make you some soup or something?

Rove: (Now seriously contemplating suicide) Ah, no thanks, Ari, I would prefer death. But never-mind that now. Ari, have you heard the news about Jeffords?

Fleischer: No comment.

Rove: You jack-ass, I'm not a frickin' reporter! Just answer the question for once in your sorry, miserable life!

Fleischer: (wounded beyond repair) No Karl (sniff), I have not been programmed with that information as of yet, if that's what you're asking me.

Rove: Well, boy blunder, it appears as though some of our older model Cyborgs were inadvertently hard wired with a certain degree of free will. Anarchy and free thinking are breaking out all over the place! It's pure and utter debauchery! If we don't put a stop to this, our regime is doomed! The Jeffords model is on the loose, overthrowing our government and subverting the will of the True Americans! We must contain this infidel before he gets hold of the others. I want a 24 hour surveillance on the McCainiator #2004, with orders to shoot if he so much as raises his left hand.

Fleischer: But Karl, I think he's left handed. He might accidently lift...

Rove: Then shoot that son of a bitch!!! (slipping into a fanatical, Waspy Cuban accent) You want to go to war Jeffords?! Ok, I take you all to Hell! You wanna play games?! Ok, say hello...

Fleischer: Karl, have you been watching Scarface again? I just love Michelle Pfeiffer in that! She is so elegant and glamorous, and her hair is so......

Rove: (blood boiling, a Hulk-like rage simmering beneath his nerdy, effeminate fašade) Boy, don't force me to make an example out of you! Trust me, this ain't the day, brother! (deep breaths as the drugs finally begin to kick in) Now listen up ladies, call a press conference so that I can start my scorched earth smear campaign. When I get done with this slime ball Jeffords, he's gonna make the Rosenbergs look like Lee Greenwood and Mary Lou Retton.

Fleischer: So what's my theme for the day, besides a series of non-answers and aggressive threats to hardball questions?

Rove: We're gonna lay this debacle on Trent Lott's doorstep, just like a bag of flaming dog excrement. The more he tries to stamp it out, the more squat he's gonna have to clean off his hush puppies. It's his job to keep up with the maintenance of these damn Cyborgs, anyway. If he was handling his business, he would have seen the train coming before it ran us over. I like Trent, even though he does lean a little to the left for my taste. But the bottom line is, sometimes you gotta take a bullet for the greater good. After all, there is no I in team.

Bush: (suddenly at a point where he can once again enter the conversation) There's no 'I' in team, Rover, but I think there is a m-e.

Rove: I thought I told you to hush up when grown folks are talking, Junior! Now for the last time, shut your pie hole!

Bush: Yeah, but Rover, I just think you're going about this all wrong. You guys mis-underestimate me all the dag-gone time. I believe I can overturn this situation with one simple phone call.

Rove: At this point, how much worse could it get. Go ahead, Your Fraudulency, make your phone call.

Bush: Yay!!!! You won't regret this Mr. Rove, sir, I promise you that!! My diplomacy skills will resignate all across the country when I get done fixin' this thingy.

(Bush places a call to his good friend and Republican operative Arnold Schwarzenegger, in hopes that he will go on a double secret special mission to neutralize the Jeffords model)

(Phone rings)

Schwarzenegger: Hello?

Bush: Hi Arnold! It's me, the President!

Schwarzenegger: Oh, how are you doing Mr. Cheney? How's that pacemaker holding up under the strain of barbecued head cheese sandwiches and Wild Turkey milkshakes?

Bush: Um, no Arnold, it's me, President Bush.

Schwarzenegger: Oh, um, I'm sorry, Mr. President. It's just that, um, you both sound so much alike. Yeah, that's it- alike.

Bush: Oh, well thank you very much. Listen, I need a favor. You're the only man who can save us.

Schwarzenegger: Hey, what's new? Anything for you, comrade- just name it. What seems to be the trouble?

Bush: There's been a coup of one.

Schwarzenegger: Yeah, I know Mr. President. I was at your inauguration, remember?

Bush: No, I mean, there's been another coup, aimed at underminin' my coup. Get it? You have to put a stop to this before I have to go out and get a real job.

Schwarzenegger: Say no more my dim-witted friend. I'll take care of the whole thing in time for you to steal another round of elections in 2002.

Bush: I love you more than I can say over the phone. Name your price Arnold. Money is no object to me- especially with the tax rebate I got comin'. Boy I love bein' a 'Merican citizen. Ain't it cool!

Schwarzenegger: I tell you what- I'll leave tomorrow for Washington so I can de-brief you of the entire situation. After that, I would like to de-brief your twin daughters, Jenna and Barbara. Now those are my kind of Bushes!

Bush: It's a done deal, Arnold. And remember my motto: When the going gets tough, opt for scapegoating.

Schwarzenegger: And just like I told your wife Laura the last time I was with her- I'll be back.

 
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