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Earthspeak - A Jovian Vista
June 12, 2001
by Jorge Root

To: Jovian Institute for extraterrestrial study
From: Major Zorac, Deep-Space Probe z2999-1
Subject: The colonization of Deep-space-object 'Earth'

From xert 2 to apog 23, 10004 (Earth calendar - Feb 1 to Jun 4, 2001), observations of deep-space-object (DSO) 'Earth' have shown that considerable problems exist among it's inhabitants. The most noticable and disturbing of the problems is a lack of a viable communications process among the masses. We had first noticed this while speed browsing a piece of literature known to earthlings as an encyclopedia. We came across the word 'Newton' and found it used no less than 3 times, each time being a different context.

In one instance it refered to a person named Sir Isaac Newton, a scientist that lived 300 years ago. Then a second occurance of the word appeared, again assigned as a name to a person. This time it was a person of opposite gender, 'Juice Newton'. This was particularily confusing given the fact that on our planet, Jupiter, every person has unique identity. How else could our Roving Neutron Degeneracy Sensors track the people? Also 'Juice' can be a drink made from any of the many fruit bearing plants on Earth. So in this case we have a first name and a last name, each having multiple meanings. The third occurance of the word 'newton' describes an edible substance that has an outer shell of soft brown substance and a filling of dark brown substance. At first, this multiple use of a word was thought to be a one time occurance. We surely wouldn't find this to be designed into their language.

Not much thought was given to this anomaly as we continued on with our task at hand of measuring every aspect of this DSO for potential colonization. Then came April 1 on the earth calendar. What appeared to be a simple accident between 2 air-vehicles, (AV) offered evidence that we should re-visit the multiple use factor of their language. First, the accident involved AV's of 2 nations, one named China and one named the United States (US). These 2 nations, along with a nation named Russia make-up the 3 largest and most powerful of all the nations on Earth. Of the 3, the US is by far the most powerful and here is where our data shows we must concentrate our studies. The way the US goes, the way Earth goes. It is the uncontested leader of this DSO.

After the collision, the US, without first asking permission, landed their AV on an island belonging to China. This resulted in China refusing to return the AV and the crew until the US apologized. Thus A new word had been brought to our attention.

'Apology.'

Apparently this word has many meanings and uses. China and the US argued for several weeks over the meaning of the word. Each side offered different meanings for the word and tried to convince the other side and earthlings in general of the meaning. Eventually the US made an apology and stated emphatically "This apology expresses our sorrow but does not admit any wrong". This was good enough and the crew was returned.

It may be in order here to point out that the US is run by what is called a president. This person is elected every 4 earth years and while in office gets to pick a team of people to help with the running of the government. The one in office at the present time is named 'Bush'. Even the president's name has double meaning. In one case it is a persons name and in another case, a plant. It appears that having noticed this, the earthlings decided to call the president another name to not confuse him with the plant by the same name. The name they picked is 'Shrub.' We are still investigating the connection between the words Bush and Shrub.

It was this president and his team that issued the China apology.

Ironically it was this same president that would, a few weeks later be facing another 'apology' situation. Although all the laws of government are not clear yet, we do know that the president always resides in a place called the White House. When Shrub moved in for his 4-year term, he and his staff claimed there was severe damage, theft of government items and general vandalism. He blamed the outgoing president.

Now 4 months later, there is evidence the story of damage, theft and vandalism was fabricated and the outgoing president's staff is asking for an apology. This time Shrub says there will be no apology. Period. Here's where we are lost for an answer. Why would a president apologize to a foreign country for something that he claims he didn't do and not apologize to his own fellow countrymen for something that all evidence says he did do? None of this makes sense. Especially since we have found out that one can take this word apology a step further. You can change the spelling slightly and it becomes a word of different meaning. Like this, apology implies both guilt and regret. Simply change the spelling to 'apologia' and it implies a defensible explanation.

Now you can see what we have been up against during our 4 month observation of Earth. It seems nothing makes sense to us. This presents a major concern which we will get to later. First I would like to point out that not only did we find this outlined strangeness in Earthspeak but we have also notice that President Bush seems to have his own rules of grammer, almost like his own language. When he speaks, we are unable to understand what he is saying. This is because some of the words he uses are not found in the Earth dictionary which is a document of approximately 80,000 words which fits nicely within the counting capability of an average earthling.

At this point things begin to get bizarre. You see, the earthlings seem to understand what Shrub is saying even though none of it is documented. In fact they even make caricature drawings of what he says, then sit around and point at them and carry on laughing and such. We have found this to be strange behavior to say the least. It also could be a blessing in disguise. They may be showing their real selves.

This brings us back to the 'major concern' I had mentioned. During the last 4 months of observing this DSO, we have run all standard tests. We have skipped nothing. Earth has passed all the tests including the Dynamid Entity Cluster test, the Cosmic Back- ground Emissions test and Synchrotron Radiation test. Our findings show that the earthlings, although strange looking and clumsy, are very intelligent beings. We would be well served to take note of this and proceed with caution before trying to colonize this DSO.

We also have data pointing to what we think is an intentional cover-up. Shrub is not the real president. The earth words for it would be 'fake', 'stunt-double' and 'stand-in'. Noticing the lack of any defense of outside forces, one has to wonder if the apparently intelligent earthlings are not shielding themselves with a ploy, where they appear to be stupid or even morons, witness their president, and when the invasion starts, out comes the real defense, whatever that may be. We can come to no other conclusion.

Here are the results from the Rapidly Repetitive Burst Distribution Analyzer Computer when we analyzed several 'cover-up' scenarios. Although each scenario returned a some- what unique set of analysis data, all scenarios agreed on one point. Shrub is not the real president of the US. Additionally the results agreed in majority on the name of the real US president. Unfortunately that data was returned as encrypted data and we are passing it on to you for scrutiny by the Callisto Cryptography Center. Here is the data as returned to us.

LA ORGE SI EHT LERA DENTPREIS.

Finally I would like to summarize this report. Over the last 4 months, my crew and I have observed thousands of earthlings. We have studied their urban centers, their mega-plex population centers, their territorial societies and most of all their irrational behavior. We find the public pretense of being moronic is a communal extension of grasping for security. They have found their fantasies to work for them in the past and uncontrolled fantasies can turn to reality or at least the perceived reality of success. This is their defense for the future. It is without any reseve that I and my crew strongly recommend you put aside all plans to colonize this DSO. At least long enough to find out the name of the real president of the US. At that time we will be able to determine if earthling presidents are truly morons or if it is an act, waiting for the unsuspecting warrior to make foolhardy attacks in hopes of a quick victory? How long will that be? According to our on-board computers it will be approximately 1271 days or somewhere around the first week of Nov 2004. We will know the answer at that time.

Meanwhile, I have reset all navigational systems to point us to another DSO named 'Mars.' It is only a days journey from Earth which will allow us to further our quest for Jovian Colonization and at the same time keep an eye on the earthlings.

Until my next report, I am respectfully yours.

Major Zorac, Jovian patriot and DSO observer.

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