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Interview
with Herr Cheney
May
28, 2001
by Anonymous
Scene: Cheney's office in Washington. It is a large somber
room lined with fuming vats with spigots that are slowly dripping
into office wastebaskets. Cheney is seated in an enormous
high-backed chair surmounted by two German eagles. He is wearing
a military cap and a stiff-necked tunic bearing an Iron Cross.
One of his fingers sports a replica of Field-Marshall Hermann
Goering's poison ring inscribed, "Heart Medicine."
He is interviewing a young man who is seated in a wheelchair,
his head is just visible above Cheney's gargantuan desk.
Herr Cheney: Ach mein boy are you shtill driving a
Cadillac?
Kid: I never had one Mr. Cheney, sir, I have a 1985
Chevy Nova with 95,000 miles. It's handicapped equipped for
my wheelchair.
Herr Cheney: Vee hear that you are ushing it for joy
riding and are vasting gas. (Shouting) Der ist an energy
crisis do your hear!
Kid: (In tears) I only drive to school and
to my rehabilitation.
Herr Cheney: From now on you vill valk to therapy
and school. It vill strengthen your body for the Vaterland.
Kid: Yes sir Mr. Cheney. Please sir, could you turn
on the air conditioner the fumes are making me nauseous.
Herr Cheney: Dot shtupid office boy forgot to empty
the vaste baskets. Ver ist dot idiot. (Cupping his hands
and shouting) Georgie, Georgie kum here!
Kid: Isn't he the President, Mr. Cheney?
Herr Cheney: Ve haf to keep up appearances. I am der
Fuehrer here.
(Bush enters. He is wearing a boy's short pants, a Pokemon
T-shirt, knee socks and sneakers. Cheney is visibly annoyed
and his face has turned crimson)
Herr Cheney: Georgie, you dumkopf you forgot to empty
the vaste baskets! Dis place shmells to high heaven. Ver haf
you been?
Georgie: Colin was giving me Anglish lessons. He taught
me to say "retreat" to use with the Koreens.
Herr Cheney: Idiot, de vord is "regret"
and it was for the Chinese! I vill penalize you for the terrible
job you are doing no more marshmallows for your barbecues
for a week!
Georgie: Aw gee whiz, Dick, you already took away
my Hershey bars last week.
Herr Cheney: Vot is dis "Dick" shtuff? (Exploding)
I am Mr. Cheney to you und don't forget dot! Now get moving
with the vaste baskets!
Georgie: Yes sir, hair Cheney.
(Bush wheels out a shopping cart and loads it with waste
baskets labeled "Arsenic for water supply", "Toxic
sludge for playgrounds" and "Salmonella for school
lunch boxes." He slowly trudges out with the sludge dripping
on the Presidential carpet.)
Kid: Goodness, he is helping Ralph Nader. But please
Mr. Cheney, Why are you treating Mr. Bush that way?
Herr Cheney: Ve are fair. Efrebody is treated alike
Africans, immigrants, Gypsies und homosexuals.
Kid: But Mr. Cheney Vy er why you talking so funny?
Herr Cheney: Vell, mein boy if I sound like Reichs-Marshall
Hermann Goering then the Christian Nazis vill support me in
the next election.
Kid: (His eyes open wide.) Mr. Cheney that
leaves me speechless!
Herr Cheney: Speechless? Ach der leiber so you vont
talk? Ve vill make you talk! Ve Haf our vays.
(Cheney strikes a garbage-can lid gong, the lights dim
and the Kid is rolled away by toughs wearing black hoods)
(CURTAIN)
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