the New Party in Power: The Republi-can'ts!
by Bradford Shaw
Though the United States has historically had many regional
schisms, for many years Washington D.C. politics was primarily
divided into a basic two party system: Democrats and Republicans.
The Democrats were perceived to be the party of the people,
reaching out for the vote of the common man, providing an
open dialogue and a safety net. While providing programs and
assistance for the less fortunate, the Democrats in Washington
were also labeled as the "tax and spend" party for many years,
due to many over-inflated budgets issued from Capitol Hill
while under Democratic control.
The Republicans, on the other hand, were perceived as the
party most friendly to business and moneyed interests. While
being most adept at watching out for our patriotic interests
and financial stability, the Republicans often left plain,
ordinary people behind in favor of moving forward to a better
profit margin, thus labeling themselves as the party of the
rich and near rich.
Thus exists the current political party now in power. But
make no mistake about it, this is a new party that is pushing
the buttons in Washington today: The Republi-can'ts. Folks,
this new party isn't the Republican Party of old. It's a new,
slimmed-down, fast-moving juggernaut with a new name and a
Do you, the American people, want a government that is receptive
to the average citizen and will respond with help if needed?
Meet the Republi-can'ts. They have shown through workplace
safety policy that they Republi-can't be bothered because
it may affect the bottom line of big business.
How about strong and sure environmental protection, and a
commitment to protecting the planet for future generations?
Once again, I defer to the Republi-can'ts. Choosing not to
exercise strong control over emission standards, arsenic levels,
and irresponsible oil exploration proposals make up the game
plan for the next four years if the current administration
is allowed to enact several proposals now in the works.
How about dispensing some of that famed compassion in "compassionate
conservative" that we heard so much about last year?
Sorry, it just isn't meant to be. If you need help during
a massive energy crisis in the state of California in the
form of Federal regulation dealing with out-of-control energy
supply prices, the Bush administration Republi-can't help
you. Remember that Bush, Cheney, and many other people in
the White House are Big Oil fat-cats.
If you have a loved one suffering from wasting syndrome,
and the only possible help is medicinal marijuana, again,
unless a business profit can be realized, they Republi-can't
help you. They accepted a lot of drug company money last year,
and they will stand good for the favor.
If you are a struggling single mother attempting to re-enter
the job market and the only available work pays minimum wage,
Shrub and his people just Republi-can't help by making the
wage one that you can actually live on. That might cost big
business a few dollars; an antithesis of the classic business
infrastructure, and nobody in the business world wants to
pay one cent more than they have to for anything.
Pasty-faced fat white men in ill-fitting suits, smoking horrible
smelling cigars, along with their overly made-up face-lift
queen wives are the power center for the Republi-can't party.
Most are fully aware of the "'morality hold" that
they have over Middle America. They are quite confident of
their diverse voting block, even if it is a coalition similar
to the Democrats. This confidence has formed the base of philosophy
that the new Republi-can'ts are deploying every day from Washington.
The Republi-can't Manifesto, [An Addendum to the Current
Republican Party Platform]
Bylaw #1: Anything conceived or initiated by the previous
Democratic administration must be reviewed and then summarily
discontinued. This includes all Presidential orders, legislative
action, and or acts that may be construed as liberal or left
leaning. This also includes any appointments made to any governmental
positions including, but not limited to, Presidential interns,
and the Congressional steno-pool.
Bylaw #2: Anything which may be conceived as, or appear
to be, anti-business or generally anti-commerce shall henceforth
and immediately cease and desist. All treaties and international
agreements must also fit into this paradigm and comply with
the current White House business model.
Bylaw #3: Leave no stone unturned, or tree uncut in
the search for new easily exploitable natural resources and
profits. State and Federal parkland, national monuments, and
everything in between (excepting golf courses, naturally)
are open for drilling, exploration and exploitation.
Bylaw #4: This country, and the Republi-can't party,
can never be white enough, either in pigmentation, such as
Dick Cheney, or attitude and deportment, such as Colin Powell.
Cheney and Powell, two old white guys that personify the Republi-can't
Bylaw #5: The next four to eight years shall henceforth
be dedicated to profit. The richest ten percent of the nation
did not profit enough during the Clinton Presidency; therefore
the next two to eight years are hereby dedicated to increasing
the bottom line. Period. Any and all standards and regulations,
which stand in the way of business, shall be modified or abandoned
in favor of portfolio expansion.
Bylaw #6: No sex, no drugs, and no rock-n-roll. Not
just in the White House, but all across the nation. All elected
Republi-can't officials must encourage the elimination of
all fun not approved of by the Republi-can't Central Committee.
Only sanctioned activities approved by John Ashcroft.
Bylaw #7: Acquire the elected office at any cost.
Sacrifice any and all ethics in the quest for higher office,
even if it means running a candidate that "out-Clintons
Clinton." Choose a candidate that will be elected regardless
of experience, intelligence, or capability.
Bylaw #8: Never let the opportunity pass to remind
the nation that the "grown-ups" are in charge, even
if the idea of George W. Bush running the country personally
scares the bejesus out of you. We all know he's a lost child,
but never let the liberals know that you know it.
Bylaw #9: Work for the repeal of abortion rights,
but do it quietly. Call it protection for the unborn, elimination
of late-term abortions, or medical protection, but hide the
fact that it might be seen as a way to control women. Women
don't like to be controlled; rather let us "protect"
Bylaw #10: No campaign finance reform shall be supported
without a heavy dose of paycheck protection. No Democratic
fundraisers will ever be able to out-money our party if we
short-circuit their grass roots base. We must strive to out-spend
the opposition on every campaign, whether we like our candidate
or not, and the elimination of union funds will benefit us
on many levels.
The Republi-can't party is undeniably in power for the next
two years, until the next Congressional election cycle. We
have seen what Shrub and his followers have done in the first
one hundred days of his administration, and what they have
announced in plans for the future regarding ecological and
social issues. The entire concept of a Republi-can't presidency
seems sickening at first, but upon further reflection, and
selective reading (democraticunderground.com), a pattern begins
The current administration has been overt in its approach
to business in favor of humanity. Bush, Cheney and the Republi-can't
Congress have by their own actions doomed themselves to a
short time in Washington. Our nation will not stand by and
let the "profit-for-us" oilmen in Washington rule
our lives and ruin the country.
When it comes to re-electing these selfish, stuffy, out of
touch bozos in the White House, we, as a people will have
to say: "Sorry, we Republi-CAN'T."