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The
Very Grand Old Party
May
17, 2001
by Joe Randazzo
It's really no contest, I don't know why we bother. The
Republicans have it all. The Dems are a distant second in
a two man race. The Republicans have the filthy rich on their
side. This, of course, is God's will. (The Republicans have
also usurped God - ask them, they'll tell you. They ain't
shy about it.) I think they absconded with God right after
they stole Morality and Ethics and Fair Play. (I think they
grabbed these virtues sometime between Sen. Joe McCarthy and
Richard Nixon).
Richard Nixon was the only president to resign from office.
He was a Republican. Don't draw any conclusions about the
GOP from this. Anyway, Nixon resigned from office some time
after his Vice-President, Spiro Agnew, resigned from office.
Mr. Agnew liked to attack Democrats and liberals and call
them all sorts of names. He could do this because he was morally
superior.
Mr. Agnew reportedly accepted payoffs while serving as Baltimore
County Executive and Governor of Maryland. This dynamic duo
was the first White House team to resign, although Nixon did
survive his vice president by several months. Mr. Agnew was
morally superior because he was never convicted of any crime.
He pleaded nolo contendere which is Latin for, "I am
morally superior."
Mr. Nixon was also morally superior because he was not impeached;
he resigned before that could occur. I know he was morally
superior because he was pardoned for his sins. He was pardoned
by President Ford who was in an admirable position to perform
pardons. President Ford was also a morally superior person
because he was also a Republican.
As further proof that Mr. Nixon was a morally superior person,
it is noted that the Republicans held him up as such in the
aftermath of the last presidential election. I cannot tell
you how many times they extolled his virtues for having conceded
to JFK in 1960. They were asking that Al Gore emulate Richard
Nixon and "do the right thing."
The Republicans, because they are God's Party, were able
to do this with straight faces. Kudos to them!
I think the Republicans managed to get God on their side
during the Carter Administration; in fact I'm sure of it.
I know this because Carter was followed by Saint Ronald the
Reagan; a very likable man with a severe hearing problem.
During the Reagan Administration, the Republicans were able
to become the party of fiscal responsibility. The Republicans
were able to do this by decreasing the nation's income
while increasing the nation's spending. I know it all
seems simple with 20/20 hindsight, but credit the Republicans
for stumbling onto this method.
I am quite sure that Mr. Bush grasps this economic concept
rather well. Now by Mr. Bush, I am referring to George W.
Bush not George H.W. Bush. George the elder was the 41st president,
while George the younger is the 43rd.
During the Elder's reign, the Republicans became the party
of Integrity. If they gave their word, you could take it to
the bank. They were able to do this because of the Elder's
"read my lips... no... new... taxes..." speech. Mr. Bush the
Elder subsequently raised taxes. This was, of course, acceptable
because the Republicans hold the High Moral Ground.
So we are hopelessly outclassed. The Republicans have it
all. Just ask Bill Bennett - I believe him. Just ask George
Will - I believe him. Both of these men are arbiters of all
that is Good and Just in the World.
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