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The Very Grand Old Party
May 17, 2001
by Joe Randazzo

The Very Grand Old Party

It's really no contest, I don't know why we bother. The Republicans have it all. The Dems are a distant second in a two man race. The Republicans have the filthy rich on their side. This, of course, is God's will. (The Republicans have also usurped God - ask them, they'll tell you. They ain't shy about it.) I think they absconded with God right after they stole Morality and Ethics and Fair Play. (I think they grabbed these virtues sometime between Sen. Joe McCarthy and Richard Nixon).

Richard Nixon was the only president to resign from office. He was a Republican. Don't draw any conclusions about the GOP from this. Anyway, Nixon resigned from office some time after his Vice-President, Spiro Agnew, resigned from office. Mr. Agnew liked to attack Democrats and liberals and call them all sorts of names. He could do this because he was morally superior.

Mr. Agnew reportedly accepted payoffs while serving as Baltimore County Executive and Governor of Maryland. This dynamic duo was the first White House team to resign, although Nixon did survive his vice president by several months. Mr. Agnew was morally superior because he was never convicted of any crime. He pleaded nolo contendere which is Latin for, "I am morally superior."

Mr. Nixon was also morally superior because he was not impeached; he resigned before that could occur. I know he was morally superior because he was pardoned for his sins. He was pardoned by President Ford who was in an admirable position to perform pardons. President Ford was also a morally superior person because he was also a Republican.

As further proof that Mr. Nixon was a morally superior person, it is noted that the Republicans held him up as such in the aftermath of the last presidential election. I cannot tell you how many times they extolled his virtues for having conceded to JFK in 1960. They were asking that Al Gore emulate Richard Nixon and "do the right thing."

The Republicans, because they are God's Party, were able to do this with straight faces. Kudos to them!

I think the Republicans managed to get God on their side during the Carter Administration; in fact I'm sure of it. I know this because Carter was followed by Saint Ronald the Reagan; a very likable man with a severe hearing problem.

During the Reagan Administration, the Republicans were able to become the party of fiscal responsibility. The Republicans were able to do this by decreasing the nation's income while increasing the nation's spending. I know it all seems simple with 20/20 hindsight, but credit the Republicans for stumbling onto this method.

I am quite sure that Mr. Bush grasps this economic concept rather well. Now by Mr. Bush, I am referring to George W. Bush not George H.W. Bush. George the elder was the 41st president, while George the younger is the 43rd.

During the Elder's reign, the Republicans became the party of Integrity. If they gave their word, you could take it to the bank. They were able to do this because of the Elder's "read my lips... no... new... taxes..." speech. Mr. Bush the Elder subsequently raised taxes. This was, of course, acceptable because the Republicans hold the High Moral Ground.

So we are hopelessly outclassed. The Republicans have it all. Just ask Bill Bennett - I believe him. Just ask George Will - I believe him. Both of these men are arbiters of all that is Good and Just in the World.

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