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The
Eighth Wonder of the World
May
16, 2001
by Joe Randazzo
Never before in the recorded history of man have we seen
such a marvel. Conceived by man, this idea may, in fact, be
akin to the "Universal Constant" that Einstein sought so desperately
to discover in the last years of his life. I speak, of course,
of the Bush Tax Cut.
Mr. Bush, like Einstein, is a devotee of "good science."
It is rumored, however, that Mr. Bush's tax cut is divine
in nature; and in fact that the original tax cut plan is carved
on two stone tablets. Based upon recommendations made by Donald
Rumsfeld, the original tablets are to be stored in orbit around
the earth. It is undecided at present whether they will be
placed within a "killer" satellite or upon a floating weapons
platform.
This decision will be made after administration experts finish
their examination of the entrails of various animals. While
this practice is decidedly not Christian in nature, Mr. Bush
has been quoted as saying, " I know good science when I see
it!"
Haruspicy, as it is officially known, is an ancient process
which was formerly thought to be a pagan practice. Due to
the current administration's prolific use of this method of
steering our ship of state, conservative scholars and historians
(and the Federalist Society, of course), have been taking
another look at this practice. It is now thought that these
scholars have uncovered proof that our beloved Founding Fathers
also utilized this method to make decisions.
In any event, the discovery of the so-called "Haruspice
Documents," (which, ironically, were found in a coal mine),
is thought to lend more credence to the theory that the examination
of animal entrails was a practice lauded by Madison, Hamilton,
et al.
George Will, the famous conservative columnist, will soon
start writing articles on the subject of haruspicy in order
to acquaint the American readers with this very effective
decision making process. Mr. Will, who gleefully remains trapped
in the past and is an advocate of the "If we can't stand still,
let's go backward" movement sweeping the country, has finally
found a method ancient enough to satisfy his longing for the
long ago. William F. Buckley will also be writing on the benefits
of haruspicy, but no one will understand what he is saying.
But, I digress.
The Bush Tax Cut is our Panacea... it is our Rosetta Stone...
it's our Ark of the Covenant... it can solve anything! Need
proof? Look at some of the problems facing our country today:
The economy is booming? Well, let's cut taxes!
The economy is slowing? Well, let's cut taxes!
Energy bills too high? Well, let's cut taxes!
Concerned about the waste from nuclear power plants? Well,
let's cut taxes!
Prescription plan for the elderly? Well, let's cut taxes!
Social security and Medicare shortfalls? Well, let's cut
taxes!
Education problems, large class sizes, shortage of teachers?
Well, let's cut taxes!
It's all very simple and this principle can be applied to
all aspects of one's life. The reader should, at this point,
test this theory by thinking of other vital issues or concerns
and responding with the scared mantra... "Well, let's cut
taxes!"
See, it works!
It is now understood that many of Mr. Bush's policies which
were hitherto thought of as anti-labor, anti-environment,
pro-oil, pro-coal, etc., did not take into account the far-reaching
benefits of the Bush Tax Cut. Cutting taxes (based upon an
examination of animal entrails) actually removes arsenic from
water, reduces carbon dioxide emissions, eliminates repetitive
motion injuries, and will probably defeat aging. (Christie
Todd Whitman will make the announcement about aging and Ari
Fleischer will claim she is misinformed... I also read animal
entrails.)
So, the problem is not with Mr. Bush or his administration
or his policies or the people he recruits to serve the country.
The problem is us. We do not fully comprehend his wisdom.
His vision. His "good science." Quite frankly we need to have
more faith!
I, for one, have recently increased the amount of praying
that I do. For some reason, I feel I need to.
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