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The Threatened
Exodus of Hollywood
April 21, 2001
by Kurt Kurowski
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a friend about this article
I wholeheartedly agree with the recent criticism that a number of Hollywood
types had been overly emotional in threatening to leave the United States
because - and may an obviously punishing God have mercy - yet another
Bush has once again taken tangled root in the White House. But my reasons
are in sharp variance with those whose cries of "Go on, get outta here
already!" have of late been found in the Letters to the Editor and commentary
sections of American newspapers.
I ask that those influential, if disgruntled, people of Hollywood remain
to tell the stories of election 2000, and of history's most alphabetically
and intellectually streamlined president, W. Through drama, parody, and
even cartoons ("The Simpsons" creators - a nation's eyes, as usual, are
on you) my hope is that the absurdity, hypocrisy and alarming cheerfulness
of the Bush machine that brought about his election (or whatever the hell
that was) will once again return to us in the form of biting satire. Preferably
with the deepest bite taken squarely out of the rear-end of George W.
Bush, the man whose propensity for presumptuousness and intellectual laziness
often make Jethro Bodine of "The Beverly Hillbillies" look like George
Washington in comparison.
As for drama, perhaps "The West Wing" can fully earn its alternate, jocular
title of "The Left Wing" by lifting story lines from what will
surely be gut-churning drama as the passionate Christian-right attempts
to remove its own pound of flesh out of president Bush's hide in exchange
for their good behavior during the election cycle. Not to mention for
their accurately cast and counted ballots.
One episode of this riveting series might conceivably be devoted to the
concept of equal protection while also revealing the many different ways
different counties in one state can cast a ballot. But since these two
plot lines in one show would create an unsatisfying and difficult to believe
denouement, the last half hour of the episode might have to redeem itself
by instructing Democrats in how to properly cast ballots, even how to
outsmart the tricked out, gussied up, or outdated equipment they may find
when going to vote.
A follow-up episode on suppressing the minority vote might incorporate
the hoary plot device of a time machine where we begin with the main character
(black) driving up to the polling booth in 2000 but once inside he mysteriously
finds the era of Jim Crow is fully in place. This will be a plus for the
set designers - they do so love the challange of a period piece.
Forget about the presidential debate videotape scandal. How about casting
the tragically ironic Theresa La Pore as a double agent for the GOP? She
designs a disastrous muddle of a ballot in the most reliably Democratic
county in Florida, thus taking over 6,000 votes from Mr. Gore. The scriptwriters
can't quite figure out if the laundered 1.3 million dollars in the Swiss
bank account is too little or too much - should they vote on it?
And don't overlook the possibility of an edge-of-your-seat big screen
mystery about a certain U.S. Supreme Court wherein we find conflicted
individuals like you and me -- only seemingly more brilliant, definitely
more powerful, and maybe richer-- who must each respectively decide between
: 1) A desire to retire with the old man down southwestern way. 2) Retiring
in order to nurse a bad back. 3) Helping the little woman with her vetting
job 4) personal career advancement - and a sworn oath to uphold democracy
as suggested in the Constitution.
What with all that "We the people" this, and "We the people" that, isn't
it about time these overworked characters get to think about just themselves
for a change? Wouldn't you root for them? Like Hollywood actors, Supreme
Court Justices need a modicum of "me time" too, you know.
But most anticipated of all might be the reality-based survival show
with the working title of "Texas Panhandle Scramble 2000." Among the contestants
will be the self-named "Pioneers" from energy concerns that early in the
campaign spent tens of millions to get failed ex-oil "bidness" man G.
W. Bush and the moderately Texas-sized Mr. Cheney to both fit neatly into
one back pocket. America will watch and breathlessly await who becomes
the first Pioneer to break into America's protected wilderness areas and
plumb its languishing resources. Second place will go to he who pays the
lowest of the low, low prices in our upcoming national "Going, Going,
Gone Sale" on energy, minerals and timber.
An honorary James Watt booby prize is granted to the company whose PR
firm represents them as the most deeply, deeply concerned about the environment
and America's wide assortment of children and puppies. Of course your
capable hosts will be two one-time Watt proteges, the accommodating Gale
Norton and the helpful Christie Todd Whitman, a.k.a. "Frisky McBookem"
for the smiling photo taken of her on a New Jersey police ride-along where
she can be seen patting down a suspect. Wheeee! She's sure to provide
the fun.
As I speculate on the future events that may bring about this glut of
grand entertainment, I am reminded of how Granny, late of Beverly Hills,
often forcefully stated "I needs my Rhumatiz' med'cine!" But regrettably,
sipping from a jug - as Dubya himself can testify - will not help matters.
And to be blunt, neither will leaving the country.
So please, all of you outraged Hollywood big-shots, forget about it.
Remain here in the States and help to keep the issues up front. Be like
good citizen Babs, who speaks out and ignores the snotty comments from
Republicans who always seem to forget that their favorite president used
to co-star with a monkey. Then in both two and four years from now, nag
us to vote. And remind us to closely follow directions when we do, because
it would seem us Democrats just ain't as handy as that Mr. Drysdale down
to the Commerce Bank.
And who knows? Even with its heavy reliance on puppetry (just how far
up his butt does that hand go?) the Cheney and Bush show just might turn
out to be a certifiable -- if somewhat illegitimate -- hit, instead of
just the hit upside the head it now appears to be.
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