Great Minds Think
April 20, 2001
by Art Bushwald
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In case you were not aware, a few weeks ago Dubya met with the prime
minister of Japan, Yoshiro Mori. At the time, there was some speculation
as to why Dubya seemed to be in a hurry to meet with Mr. Mori, considering
all the rumors that were circulating about the latter's plans to resign
from his position within the coming weeks.
Some people guessed that the seemingly hastily arranged meeting might
have had something to do with the unfortunate incident between the Navy
submarine U.S.S. Greeneville and the Japanese fishing boat, Ehime Maru.
Others thought that it was just a matter of diplomatic courtesy.
However, it could also be that Dubya was eager to meet with his Japanese
counterpart because Mr. Mori is (or probably was, by the time you read
this) the only world leader who had an intellectual capacity similar to
the Misunderestimated Misspeaker from Midland.
Rather than squirming and grimacing as he did in the presence of South
Korean president and Nobel Peace Prize winner Kim Dae Jung, or being embarassed
by a Canadian prime minister who knew far more about the United States
than Dubya knew about Canada, Dubya realized that he could feel very intellectually
comfortable in the presence of Mr. Mori.
Their meeting, I'm told, went something like this:
Dubya: Howdy, Murray. How's everythin' over in Jay-pan?
Mori: My name is Mori, not Murray.
Dubya: Murray... Mori... what's the difference? Shoot, I have
all sorts of trouble rememmerin' all them fer-in names. Heck, fer a while,
I couldn't even rememmer the name of that fella who's the prime minister
up in Canada. Would ya believe I thought it was Putin? Well, now I know
-- it's POUTINE! Anyway, ya mind if I give ya a nickname so I can rememmer
you? How 'bout "Crazy Eyes"?
Mori: OK, you can call me Crazy Eye if I call you "Cowboy With
Big Hat And Bigger Head".
Dubya: OK, deal. Now, Crazy Eyes, you're from Jay-pan, ain't that
right? I was over in Jay-pan once, I think. Nah, come ta think of it,
it wasn't Jay-pan, it was Slovenia -- whoops, nope, it was Slovakia! Shoot,
I just cain't keep all them fer-in countries straight! An' dadblast it,
now that I think about it, I didn't go over to Slovenakia, that Slovenakian
fella come over ta Texas and visited me. Small world, ain't it? Anyways,
I hope you ain't angry about our nuclear sub sinkin' your fishin' boat,
'specially with a civilian playing with the controls. I mean, ya cain't
blame him fer what he done -- after all, as we say in the GOP, "donors
will be donors". But whatever, I deeply regret what happened. Honest.
Cross my heart and hope to die if I'm lyin'.
Mori: I accept your apology.
Dubya: Now hold on there, pardner. I didn't say I was apologizin'.
I just said I 'deeply regretted' what happened. There's a big difference,
Mori: OK, I accept your deep regret.
Dubya: That's better. By the way, what was you doin' at the time
of the, uh, accident? I think I was at my ranch, or maybe I was workin'
out in the White House gym. Or maybe I was havin' another one of them
de-lishious Lone Star brewskis. It's only beer, ya know. It ain't like
it's real booze or anythin'.
Mori: I was playing golf. For chocolate. Advisor come and say,
'American nuclear submarine sink Japanese boat with high school students'
and I say, 'Don't bother me! American submarines sink Japanese boat all
the time, but Japanese Prime Minister have few chance to play for chocolate.'
So I kept playing.
Dubya: Did ya win?
Mori: I think so. But ruling party get angry at me and tell me
I have to resign.
Dubya: Bummer. By the way, Crazy Eyes, how did ya get ta become
prime minister, anyways?
Mori: Met with several party hacks in smoke-filled back room.
They say with my IQ of 50 I make good prime minister, so I get job.
Dubya: Well, I'll be dadburned! That's just about my IQ! And I'll
be a chimp's uncle if that weren't about the same way I got my job! Seems
like you and me's got a lot in common, pardner! Anyways, let's be a-gettin
down ta bidness. Me an' the boys, Cheney and Rumsfeld, was wonnerin' when
you Jay-panese was gonna take a more active military role in Asia.
Mori: Japanese military only for defense of Japan. Says so in
American-imposed Constitution. Japanese military no go to fight in other
Dubya: Aw, heck, Crazy Eyes, don't let a little constitutional
technicality get in your way. All ya need ta do is get a friendly Supreme
Court ta do a little 'creative interpretation'. Just like I did here in
the good ol' USA. Like, did you know that our 14th Amendment says "No
State... shall deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection
of laws?" But I got my buddies on the US Supreme Court to interpret
that ta mean "Bush beats Gore by one vote even though Gore won the
popular vote by half a million and would have probably won the state supreme
court-ordered Florida recount."
Mori: Will consider your advice. Maybe can help me keep my job.
Anyway, I must be going quickly to Hawaii. Have reservation for a green.
Hawaii good place to play golf.
Dubya: OK, Crazy Eyes, good seein' ya. Maybe next time you're
in the States, I'll take ya fer a ride in a nuclear submarine.
For more information: http://www.time.com/time/asia/news/magazine/0,9754,100591,00.html
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