By A. Michiganian
You know, except when I'm busy polishing my stolen Grammys,
accepting ungodly fees for giving disjointed speeches I've
scrawled on the backs of Milky Way wrappers, and pursuing
my torrid, on-again off-again affair with newly-elected Rep.
JoAnn Davis, I'm sometimes known as a commentator on politics.
Actually, commentator may not be the right word - some would
say I'm more of a philosopher. But I think Democrats in general
need to think of themselves more as constructive critics.
For example, some of you may know that Rush Limbaugh has lost
a lot of weight. I like to think that Al Franken helped pull
him out of his death-spiral with food. But did he ever thank
Anyway, it's time to extend that same sort of tough love
to some of the other important figures on the opposite side.
Don't you think it's awfully generous of us to do that for
the kind of people who might have gotten kicked out of Bob
Jones University for being too regressive and backward thinking?
But that's the kind of organization the Democratic Underground
is, and that's what I think our national debate should be
all about - taking special pains to enjoy your opponents'
deepest flaws and most appalling errors in judgement.
Take our old friend Gary Bauer, for instance. Remember him?
Gary should be proud of the effect he had on the national
debate during last year's election campaign. After travelling
the country for over a year, trying unsuccessfully to stand
up to the Keyes juggernaut, talking to about how important
it is to keep your doorknobs clean and sterilized, Gary's
big moment was falling off a stage while trying to flip a
It's kind of an odd achievement for a Presidential candidate,
don't you think? But I wouldn't blame Gary. After all, he
was just keeping up that new tradition of podium-nose-diving
Republican presidential candidates which was started by Bob
Dole in 1996.
Speaking of anti-choice activists, the Reverend Pat Robertson
was also a big voice in last year's election campaign. The
fact that the international conspiracy of Masons, Jews, European
bankers, and others in the service of the New World Order
managed to get millions of Democrats and independents to spurn
the hard-won resume of George W. Bush and vote for John McCain
in the Republican primary annoyed Pat to no end. Especially
since McCain sat out most of the Vietnam War in a Hanoi prison
while George W. Bush was so bravely defending Texas.
So Pat decided to make a few phone calls for Bush, saying,
"Tomorrow's Republican primary may determine whether our dream
becomes reality, or whether the Republican Party will nominate
a man who wants to take First Amendment freedoms from citizen
groups while he give unrestricted power to labor unions. A
man who chose as his national campaign chairman a vicious
bigot who wrote that conservative Christians in politics are
anti-abortion zealots, homophobes and would-be censors. John
McCain refused to repudiate these words. You may hold the
future of America in your hands. With all the sincerity that
I can muster, I urge you to go to the polls and vote in tomorrow's
election. This is Pat Robertson, thank you and God bless you."
I think Reverend Robertson may have mustered a little too
much sincerity there, although I understand he saved money
on the calls by using MCI's "zealots and homophobes" calling
plan. Always frugal with a dollar, that Pat. Though you know,
I said that some conservatives were anti-abortion zealots,
homophobes, and would-be censors, and Pat never even dropped
me a line.
Anyway, with his actions in office, George W. Bush has indicated
a two-word response: "Thanks, Pat."
George W. Bush is perhaps the politician most of all in need
of some tough love. Now, it's easy to laugh at his inability
to name world leaders and his complete failure to even try
to learn what people in the various other countries are called.
But that doesn't mean we shouldn't do it. In fact, everybody
reading this should take a moment to do just that.
Of course, that's not nearly as funny as watching his him
try to figure out exactly what a "compassionate conservative"
actually does. Is it okay to hang out with Bob Jones if you
also give him a hug? Is it okay to make everyone drink arsenic-laced
tap water if you do it wearing a smiley-face button? Is it
okay to turn your government over to every regressive, anti-choice,
anti-gay activist you can find as long as you do it with love
in your heart?
Let's hope Dick Cheney has just been feeling the effects
of one too many chili dogs.