Six Steps To Defeat a Liberal
Folks, those pesky liberals just don't know when to quit,
do they? After Bush's glorious election victory you'd think
they'd stop their whining and protesting. So if you're tired
of hearing them moan and complain about how Algore really
"won," here's my plan in six easy steps on how to
defeat a liberal and beat them at their own game. Follow these
steps and we will not only prolong our occupation in Washington
but also continue goose-stepping - I mean "marching" - towards
freedom from barriers like legal ethics and moral restraints.
1) Try to avoid any arguments involving facts. While liberals
can't deal with character-assassination, they can see through
lies like Swiss cheese. Hmm... Swiss cheese. Some really expensive
European crackers would be nice too. Preferably the Austrian
kind. And maybe for dessert a half-gallon of ice-cream. Yeah,
some of that Haagen Daaz vanilla-and-pistachio would go down
a treat right now...
2) If you manage to get cornered in an argument by a liberal,
deny every fact as just something the Liberal Media conjures
up. Give them opinions disguised as facts such as this one:
George W. Bush is more his own man than his daddy ever was.
3) If that doesn't work, start speaking loudly and don't
give them a chance to speak. Since liberals have too much
respect for others, they will be too polite to do the same.
Don't let them get a word in edge-wise so that way they'll
change the subject or walk away. It's more than just a delaying
tactic. It's a lost cause that you have won!
4) If that still doesn't work and the liberal sees that you
have no real argument, then just tell them that if you work
hard, make money and spend it on your yacht instead of giving
it to charities that support those lazy people like the homeless,
the elderly and the handicapped, then you will become a worthwhile
member of society. Liberals will not understand this special
Limbaugh blend of Social Darwinism and Christianity and will
just stand there shaking their little progressive heads. As
they're overwhelmed by sheer force of reasoning you can start
the process again starting at #2.
5) If that doesn't work, condemn them as being the sole source
of all the problems of the world. Include all the events from
the time of Adam and Eve to the Clinton Administration.
6) If you've gotten this far then you're starting to self-destruct.
The liberal is starting to make you realize that you couldn't
believe your own so-called "values" either. However you can't
admit to being wrong, which is a big no-no since you'd have
to admit that keeping so much wealth and resources is wrong.
Then the common folk would be entitled to their fair share.
If that happens you'd be forced to live with realization that
you aren't better than anyone else.So when all else fails,
resort to violence. Be sure to use some sort of a weapon or
try to outnumber your opponent. You'll also be able to afford
a better lawyer than the liberal when this all reaches the
level of a civil lawsuit.
However if you're one of those losers who doesn't have the
money to hire a decent lawyer, you should keep your malice
in check until you can strike back without being identified.
People may call you a ditto-head for that but true conservatives
like myself, Scalia, Rehnquist, Thomas, and O'Connor will
forgive you for being poor. We'd still have nothing to do
with you in public but privately in our hearts (which have
none of that messy blood, unlike the liberals) you will be
our own Conservative Ninja.