George Jr.'s First
Letter From Camp
intercepted by Linda
Comedy conservatives have been spotted in a state of confusion over the
"authenticity" of this letter. Follow the link for a good laugh:
Dear Mother and Father,
I have been thinking about you so much during these last
weeks. What an experience this is running this great country!
I am having a wonderful time. Did you see me on television
the other night? Everyone here was so proud. I didn't flub,
hardly at all. You know, with all that hullabaloo that we
had to go through to get me in, a lot of good is going to
come out of it.
Some of the new staff have been reading some books and going
through old records and things and no one has found anything
in history analogous. So we can start from a fresh slate.
We did a huge favor for America by getting rid of democracy.
It is a hard truth, but it is a sloppy, silly system. The
people do not always know best. We know that, don't we, Dad?
So, Dick and I and Antonin are tossing about ideas as to
what kind of system is best. Of course, Antonin (what a great
thing that was to break down the separation. Antonin is very
helpful and smart as a whip) wants a theocracy. He thinks
we can easily eliminate any pesky problem with inclusion.
He says there are ways and you would know what he was talking
about. A theocracy sounds right to me. Those Ten Commandments
hammered into the American psyche everyday will just be the
trick, don't you think?
But, Dick is all for the plutocracy, as is most of the cabinet.
Dick was even joking about an oil-igarchy, but we wouldn't
do that. It's just not fair to other corporations and we want
to be fair. That is what America is all about.
We keep trying to show America how dumb they were to have
Clinton as president. Amoral, my goodness. But we all know
all about that. Pardoning people, taking gifts, making us
spend all that money to prove he had an affair. He was really
rotten, but we are going to be classy and not say that any
more in public, now that a Bush is back here running things.
It is great to have good breeding in the White House again.
In some of these books some folks around here have been reading,
someone found the fact that the royals of Europe used to all
speak French, even the Russian ones. Well, we though about
that. A new lingua franca, just for us. I know it would be
too hard for me to learn French when I am so busy running
things here. We had a good laugh with Ari about using Hebonics
so he wouldn't feel so lonely as the only Jew on staff. He
thinks we should stay with the good old malaprose, which has
worked so well for us. So we settled on that.
I just feel so lucky that the American people put me here.
What a great thing that was. Those of us who know this country
best knew we had to do anything to get in and that was the
right thing to do. I am going to keep trying to do the right
thing, dad and mom, just like you always taught me.
Our big decision today after lots of discussion with Antonin
and Clarence is that we are going to organize our own government
media. The job is too big for one man. Ari can handle some
of the people, but there are these new fringe folks who want
to write things differently than how we want them to. It was
going to be a huge problem and we have decided to nip it right
in the bud. We have asked Rush Limbaugh and Richard Mellon
Scaife to head up our News branch of government. Yup, isn't
that brilliant? We want it to be as high as the Supreme Court
and with even more authority. Richard is a dear old man, highly
misunderstood by many, but we know him to be honorable. And
Rush is such a likable old gas bag that we thought he was
just perfect for this new role.
There are loads of journalists wanting to climb on board,
but we have to be careful whom we pick. This is very important
for our future. We can't have any snitches. We are already
drafting up legislation for the new legal committee to pass.
And there will be a death penalty to all snitches.
Congress is all show now. Kind of like an old time House
of Lords. They like it. We gave them a trillion and that was
plenty to quiet them up real good. I love having all this
money that you and Ronnie worked hard for us to have as a
result of your policies. I also gave the Freepers a raise.
They get fifteen dollars an hour now to jump on all the fringe
folks they can find and shout, "Get Over It." With the slowed
down economy and the cost of cars going down, they can buy
new SUVs in a year or two if they are prudent with their raises.
We need to stop all this talk about government all the time.
Enough already. There is way too much talk about government
here in Washington.
Life is great, Mother and Father. When can you come for a
visit? Karen says hi. She checked over the letter for spelling
and grammar mistakes and thinks it sounds fine, just right.
PS I almost forgot. Laura says hi, too.
PPS Also keep the news of the News Branch under wraps until
we figure out the best way to announce this to the American
people. We don't want to ruffle too many feathers.
PPPS Can you send me more of the addresses from your old
Rolodex? I am looking for some of those people who went to
jail who used to work for the EPA under those good old presidencies
of yours and Ronnie's. You know Anne Burford and Rita Lavelle?
Chris Whitman needs them.