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A Ten-Step Program
For Broken-Hearted Conservatives
by Bradford Shaw
After eight years of fruitless investigation, the Republicans
find themselves at odd ends. What will they investigate now?
What will Dan "Here's your subpoena" Burton do with
his committee? How will Bob Barr be able to cope with the
lack of attention, not to mention losing his position as spokesman
for the 'we hate Clinton' crowd in Washington? With Bill Clinton
out of the Whitehouse, and back into the private sector, I
hereby offer the following ten-step program for those conservatives
who still seem obsessed with our former president.
NUMBER ONE
Count your money. This always seems to calm most conservatives.
It reassures them that they still have that wonderful insulation
that real money can buy; that wonderful insulation that protects
them from having to mix with the common folk. It also relieves
them from any strain from health care, educational, and security
issues, in that they have their own money for the independent
funding for all of those things. They can count mutual funds,
stocks, bank certificates, and even gold coins if they want
to.
NUMBER TWO
Go to your private club. Getting away from it all is incredibly
important to most people in today's busy working environment,
and conservatives are no exception. The nicest thing that
a conservative Republican can do for himself (that's right,
it is usually a him), is to go to his private exclusive members
only club. There he can read his Wall Street Journal, smoke
an offensive cigar, tell politically incorrect or racist jokes
without fear of repercussion, and maybe get the latest stock
tip from his fellow conservatives. Firmly ensconced in his
comfortable world, he need not fear the intrusion of uppity
minorities or women. He is an island of serenity- if the stock
market is favorable.
NUMBER THREE
Fire your gardener. For most conservatives, every day is a
struggle with someone trying to tell you what to do 'just
because some people are in the minority'. Minorities are annoying
and bothersome to conservatives, and not because of the color
of their skin. The most annoying thing to conservatives is
the maddening tendency for minorities to celebrate their culture.
As we all know, the Republican Party is the party of the status
quo, and they don't appreciate other cultures trying to influence
majority behavior. After all, such celebrations of other cultures
might cause us to change our own attitudes toward tolerance
and acceptance of (shudder) people of color. Then, God forbid,
they may gain access to the same wealth that is so familiar
to the conservative crowd. So fire your gardener and make
a personal contribution to minority unemployment.
NUMBER FOUR
Have faith and know there is a higher power, the Republican
National Committee. Yes even if your local political scene
doesn't reflect your personal likes and dislikes, you can
rest assured that there is a higher authority in place with
the will to do anything necessary to further the conservative
cause. Due to an aggressive long term funding program, you
can sleep easier knowing that the conservative message will
be out there with the help of the National Committee. Worried
about those pesky unions with those swarthy laborers and their
funding of causes for the betterment of the common man? Don't
sweat it, my man. The owners of those businesses will be glad
to kick in at least twice the amount that it takes to overwhelm
the workers, thanks to a little nudge from the Committee.
Concerned about too much environmental legislation? Well the
Republicans will have an ad campaign ready to convince rural
America that they know best! The National Committee is there
for you; send in your $100,000 contribution today!
NUMBER FIVE
Have a quick game of golf. There can be nothing more conservative
in the world of sports than golf. No other sport supplies
assistants and vehicles to cut down on the effort needed to
play. No other sport uses up the resources of the planet like
golf. The land, the water, the equipment and fuel needed to
support a professional golf course is staggering to anyone
in the resource conservation field, and doesn't that fact
alone make most conservatives feel special and important?
The warm sun on your face, a slave to carry your sporting
goods, the company of your fellow fat cats, man-made landscape
as far as the eye can see, white or at least rich fellow golfers
for support and encouragement, and you are talking about conservative
heaven.
NUMBER SIX
Never say "Clinton" again. When you have to refer
to the current Clinton in office, try to envision the word
Hillary over and over again. To a conservative, the word Clinton
must seem like vitriol. His name alone causes bile to rise
into the throats of republicans throughout the country. I
know that when conservatives hear the word Clinton, they feel
that they have to launch an investigation, or launch that
bile that I just mentioned. In the interest of good conservative
health, I would suggest vowing to never say the 'C' word again.
NUMBER SEVEN
Remember that even if he closely resembles Clinton, your guy
is actually in the Whitehouse. I wouldn't say that he won
the election, but he's there at 1600 Pennsylvania, and he
ain't just visiting poppa this time. You didn't get your election
night victory speech, and the honeymoon may have never happened
for Bush the Second, but the fact remains that your party
is in charge for a while. You can be happy that the best and
brightest of the Republicans is now sleeping in the Presidential
jammies.
NUMBER EIGHT
Buy something extravagant. Take a day's pay and buy a new
car or house. It isn't hard to feel superior if you have an
imagination and a great credit line. If the market is poor,
simply lease a new Mercedes or BMW. Leasing is sometimes favorable
to buying if you plan to change cars monthly due to fashion
or fad. There's nothing like the wind in your hair as you
cruise over the tenements of old town USA on the new elevated
freeway that has been constructed, shutting out businesses
in local neighborhoods with lack of off-ramp access. Then
there is the bonus of knowing how far up the social ladder
you are from the Mexican guy who details your new car at the
car wash. It's a win-win!
NUMBER NINE
I hate to keep returning to this, but count your money
again. No, not like last time. This time count your assets,
which can be equated to counting your money. It is highly
distracting in terms of the Clinton obsession, to keep a running
tally of your many and varied assets. How many vacation homes
does it take to forget Bill and Monica? How many pieces of
collectible art does it take to distract you from the Rich
pardon? How many racehorses does it take to erase the memory
of Paula Jones' face (new or old)? Sorry, I know that it's
unfair to mention horses with Paula Jones' old face. Take
a long helicopter ride over your estate and count the classic
fully restored cars in your air-conditioned garages. You will
feel better, trust me!
NUMBER TEN
Go to your local amusement park and hire it for the day. That
way you insure to keep the riff-raff out, realizing the potential
for healing without public embarrassment. You could spend
the day riding the roller coaster, trying to imagine what
the former President felt like as you probed and probed until
it hurt. Or you could go to the batting cages and visualize
that you are smacking President Clinton in his privates with
each new pitch. Or even better yet, you hit the ball and visualize
that it's a Democrat fleeing Washington at high speed. Either
way, it could be a start to an end for your obsession. Clinics
will be opening at country clubs and Republican fundraisers
throughout the country. Please share these self-help guidelines
with any heart broken and disillusioned conservatives that
you may encounter as it could help the uncontrolled muttering
and swearing under the breath that some have suffered through
for the last eight years.
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