Why Rush Limbaugh Should Quit Radio For A Career In Professional Golf
by Bradford Shaw

Rush Limbaugh is undoubtedly one of our country's more visible cultural icons, and all one has to do is turn his radio show on once or twice to realize that hey, the guy is under a lot of pressure. Pressure from his advertisers, pressure from the Republican Party, and pressure from his listeners have taken its toll on the once vigorous host.

Witnesses have reported seeing a gaunt, haggard, ghost-like figure haunting the halls of the Excellence In Broadcasting building in New York City. Turns out it just happens to be the host of their hallmark program, Rush Limbaugh. It has been rumored that Mr. Limbaugh is going through Clinton withdrawal, and is unable to cope with the loss of his radio show's biggest inspiration.

My suggestion to Mr. Limbaugh is that he seriously consider a career in professional golf, and I will outline the reasons as follows:

REASON #1: Rush Limbaugh has, by his own hand, had to assume the mantle of the nation's top conservative. He has said on many occasions that he considered himself the leading Republican spokesman. Well that's too large a burden for such a complex, yet simple-minded person as Rush. Most people who have such a limited education and background would never find themselves saddled with such a responsibility. It's just too difficult for a person with such a low-grade intelligence level to cope with the complexities of critical thinking. It's not fair of us, as a listening audience, to demand these things from a person as ill equipped as he is for intellectual jousting.

Golf is simple, yet complex - somewhat similar to Mr. Limbaugh's brain.

REASON #2: With the country in Republican hands for the time being, we as a people are sure to find ourselves in a rather humorless situation due to the stodginess and square-ness of the current administration.

In such tough times, the comic relief of Rush's rather interesting style would bring a welcome belly laugh to a tired nation. As he misses putt after putt, we as a people could laugh and laugh, until it got uncomfortable to watch. As his long drive slices into the peanut gallery, knocking out several of his famed "Ditto Heads", we the common folk could laugh our collective behinds off. I can picture the crowd chanting "DITTO! DITTO!" with each new concussion.

REASON #3: If you are a true "ditto head", and you have followed Rush's career, you know that Rush has a little problem in the weight department. He's up. He's down. He's fat. He's fatter. He's suddenly thin. He's fat again. What a roller coaster!

Most health care professionals would agree that a balanced diet and, with equal importance, exercise lead to a long and happy life. If he took to the links in a serious way, we all know by his current golf game that he would be on the green practicing every waking moment, in order not to embarrass himself to death. This would lead to much more exercise due to the walking to and from the golf cart to make various shots, not to mention running to his limousine to avoid glaring questions from the press.

REASON #4: A person who has given as much to the conservative cause as Rush Limbaugh should be surrounded by loved ones in his retirement years. Most professional golf courses across the nation are populated by upper-class white men who, while not wishing to be related to Rush, would nonetheless embrace him as a fellow rich capitalist.

He would be invited to every minor professional event happening at the most exclusive courses, and the bonus for him would of course be that he wouldn't ever have to mix with pesky minorities or liberals. His self-made heaven of yes men would be assured.

REASON #5: After years at the microphone, the mighty voice of conservatism needs a little rest. If Rush were to continue much longer as a radio entertainer, he might risk straining and perhaps losing his best asset, his vocal abilities. Then what would America do? We would be cast adrift without his guidance!

The logical alternative is, of course, professional golf. In pro golf, you aren't featured as a speaker in the natural course of the game. You may give interviews later, but as a rule most professional golfers are too busy concentrating on the game to put down the Congressional Democrats. That means that Rush could rest his voice for the duration of the tour, giving us, and him, a much needed break.

REASON #6: Oh man, oh man does old Rush look HOT in his sans-a-belt slacks and Perry Como sweater. This nation could have a new sex symbol for the conservative set. Not since Wayne Newton have we seen such desirability in a Republican. The ladies at the local library say that they would simply love to get together on a Saturday afternoon to watch Rush bend over to pick up one of his many missed putts. They tell me that they are planning to buy a TIVO set for just such an occasion.

I can just see the huge galleries of blue hair following him from hole to hole, their applause muffled by the dainty white gloves adorning their bony liver-spotted hands. In this way, Rush would be continuing to provide a valuable public service. Little old ladies need fantasy too! This also would give Wayne Newton a chance to take a rest and rinse the black dye out of his old gray hair for the first time in 20 or so years.

REASON #7: Professional golf doesn't depend on an election for a source of material. Rush would never again have to worry that the liberals aren't newsworthy on any given day. He wouldn't have to create controversy just for ratings, and he wouldn't have to suffer through anything like a Clinton withdrawal again.

He could ignore the beltway banter and belt a golf ball instead. His rating as a golfer could never be tied to the political whims of the vast masses; rather it would be tied to his own ineptitude.

REASON #8: The biggest reason in my mind, and the mind of over fifty percent of the voting public, is that by leaving the public airways, Rush would be doing the greatest public service to this nation that I have ever seen. It would be an extreme and selfless act, and one that I would admire until my last days on this planet.

By his lone action, he could be saving the planet from endless hours of audio torture and degradation. The termination of his participation in radio could bring families back together, mend fences, help to heal old wounds, and get people to listen to their radios again. His exit from the world of trailer-park conservatism could upset some couples joined within the first or second degree of consanguinity, but the majority of the people would benefit from it.

So as you can see, Rush has several reasons to go to the green for his future. He could benefit in many ways from this transition to the sporting life. His health, his well-being and the color of his pasty white skin would improve dramatically.

Then, if he could just convince George Bush to quit the White House, most of the people who voted in the last election would have their golfing dream team.

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