Why Rush Limbaugh
Should Quit Radio For A Career In Professional Golf
by Bradford Shaw
Rush Limbaugh is undoubtedly one of our country's more visible
cultural icons, and all one has to do is turn his radio show
on once or twice to realize that hey, the guy is under a lot
of pressure. Pressure from his advertisers, pressure from
the Republican Party, and pressure from his listeners have
taken its toll on the once vigorous host.
Witnesses have reported seeing a gaunt, haggard, ghost-like figure haunting
the halls of the Excellence In Broadcasting building in New York City.
Turns out it just happens to be the host of their hallmark program, Rush
Limbaugh. It has been rumored that Mr. Limbaugh is going through Clinton
withdrawal, and is unable to cope with the loss of his radio show's biggest
My suggestion to Mr. Limbaugh is that he seriously consider a career
in professional golf, and I will outline the reasons as follows:
REASON #1: Rush Limbaugh has, by his own hand, had to assume the
mantle of the nation's top conservative. He has said on many occasions
that he considered himself the leading Republican spokesman. Well that's
too large a burden for such a complex, yet simple-minded person as Rush.
Most people who have such a limited education and background would never
find themselves saddled with such a responsibility. It's just too difficult
for a person with such a low-grade intelligence level to cope with the
complexities of critical thinking. It's not fair of us, as a listening
audience, to demand these things from a person as ill equipped as he is
for intellectual jousting.
Golf is simple, yet complex - somewhat similar to Mr. Limbaugh's brain.
REASON #2: With the country in Republican hands for the time being,
we as a people are sure to find ourselves in a rather humorless situation
due to the stodginess and square-ness of the current administration.
In such tough times, the comic relief of Rush's rather interesting style
would bring a welcome belly laugh to a tired nation. As he misses putt
after putt, we as a people could laugh and laugh, until it got uncomfortable
to watch. As his long drive slices into the peanut gallery, knocking out
several of his famed "Ditto Heads", we the common folk could
laugh our collective behinds off. I can picture the crowd chanting "DITTO!
DITTO!" with each new concussion.
REASON #3: If you are a true "ditto head", and you have
followed Rush's career, you know that Rush has a little problem in the
weight department. He's up. He's down. He's fat. He's fatter. He's suddenly
thin. He's fat again. What a roller coaster!
Most health care professionals would agree that a balanced diet and,
with equal importance, exercise lead to a long and happy life. If he took
to the links in a serious way, we all know by his current golf game that
he would be on the green practicing every waking moment, in order not
to embarrass himself to death. This would lead to much more exercise due
to the walking to and from the golf cart to make various shots, not to
mention running to his limousine to avoid glaring questions from the press.
REASON #4: A person who has given as much to the conservative
cause as Rush Limbaugh should be surrounded by loved ones in his retirement
years. Most professional golf courses across the nation are populated
by upper-class white men who, while not wishing to be related to Rush,
would nonetheless embrace him as a fellow rich capitalist.
He would be invited to every minor professional event happening at the
most exclusive courses, and the bonus for him would of course be that
he wouldn't ever have to mix with pesky minorities or liberals. His self-made
heaven of yes men would be assured.
REASON #5: After years at the microphone, the mighty voice of
conservatism needs a little rest. If Rush were to continue much longer
as a radio entertainer, he might risk straining and perhaps losing his
best asset, his vocal abilities. Then what would America do? We would
be cast adrift without his guidance!
The logical alternative is, of course, professional golf. In pro golf,
you aren't featured as a speaker in the natural course of the game. You
may give interviews later, but as a rule most professional golfers are
too busy concentrating on the game to put down the Congressional Democrats.
That means that Rush could rest his voice for the duration of the tour,
giving us, and him, a much needed break.
REASON #6: Oh man, oh man does old Rush look HOT in his sans-a-belt
slacks and Perry Como sweater. This nation could have a new sex symbol
for the conservative set. Not since Wayne Newton have we seen such desirability
in a Republican. The ladies at the local library say that they would simply
love to get together on a Saturday afternoon to watch Rush bend over to
pick up one of his many missed putts. They tell me that they are planning
to buy a TIVO set for just such an occasion.
I can just see the huge galleries of blue hair following him from hole
to hole, their applause muffled by the dainty white gloves adorning their
bony liver-spotted hands. In this way, Rush would be continuing to provide
a valuable public service. Little old ladies need fantasy too! This also
would give Wayne Newton a chance to take a rest and rinse the black dye
out of his old gray hair for the first time in 20 or so years.
REASON #7: Professional golf doesn't depend on an election for
a source of material. Rush would never again have to worry that the liberals
aren't newsworthy on any given day. He wouldn't have to create controversy
just for ratings, and he wouldn't have to suffer through anything like
a Clinton withdrawal again.
He could ignore the beltway banter and belt a golf ball instead. His
rating as a golfer could never be tied to the political whims of the vast
masses; rather it would be tied to his own ineptitude.
REASON #8: The biggest reason in my mind, and the mind of over
fifty percent of the voting public, is that by leaving the public airways,
Rush would be doing the greatest public service to this nation that I
have ever seen. It would be an extreme and selfless act, and one that
I would admire until my last days on this planet.
By his lone action, he could be saving the planet from endless hours
of audio torture and degradation. The termination of his participation
in radio could bring families back together, mend fences, help to heal
old wounds, and get people to listen to their radios again. His exit from
the world of trailer-park conservatism could upset some couples joined
within the first or second degree of consanguinity, but the majority of
the people would benefit from it.
So as you can see, Rush has several reasons to go to the green for his
future. He could benefit in many ways from this transition to the sporting
life. His health, his well-being and the color of his pasty white skin
would improve dramatically.
Then, if he could just convince George Bush to quit the White House,
most of the people who voted in the last election would have their golfing