A Public Service
Announcement To All Democrats
by Ray Evans
The continuous, witless ravings of Republican supporters
exemplify the epigram that persons deficient in the faculty
of determining values vault with impetuosity into milieux
where unadulterated, volant spiritual entities are loathe
In an effort to curtail the abysmal profundities of these conservative
cretins, we the founders of CLUE®, feel that it is incumbent upon
our persons to direct your attention to the truth that only persons leading
the most self-abnegating and monastic of existences could fail to receive
a plethora of indications whereby to correctly direct their mental processes.
Nevertheless, the overwhelming majority of Republicans and conservatives
remain bereft of mental capacity, focus and dexterity.
Therefore, we hold it self evident that this paucity of conservative
cognition bears a subordinate relationship to a fundamental insufficiency
of thought processing elements known as neurons. To augment this primary
determinant, we propose to harvest the basic components of biological
central processing units for transplantation into the brain cases of Republican
mongols who outwardly display the characteristics of, as it has been colloquially
After painstaking and benevolent transplantations in volunteers, we have
verified that no more than three neurons from common wharf rodents (Rattus
and related genera) will suffice to enhance the mental capacity of Republicans
who are most bereft of social adroitness to a level indistinguishable
from the average U.S. species of Blattodea (commonly known as the
cockroach). We confidently expect that improvements of at least one order
of magnitude will become apparent when the first volunteer regains consciousness.
During early trials, PETA demonstrations with a rallying cry of "Don't
kill one rat to save another!" held that the donor species was superior
to the transplant recipients. These demonstrations spawned a concurrent
study which has found that no more than two liberal neurons will achieve
vastly superior results. Thus, the construction of the necessary societal
infrastructure is now underway on an emergency basis to prevent PETA from
destroying our fledgling humanitarian organization. Soon, we hope to harvest
human neurons from Democrats who have such excess capacity that the absence
of a few million neurons will scarcely, if at all, be noticed.
To that end we have outfitted the first of many brain bank "donormobiles"
to serve the tens of millions of conservatives in desperate need. I have
already completed and signed my pledge. When a donormobile arrives in
your neighborhood may we count on your support?
(Citizens Lusting Ubiquitous Enlightenment)
Chairman: Ray Evans