The Secret Diary of Strom Thurmond

With the Senate split 50-50 and a Democratic governer in South Carolina, we were wondering just how long Ol' Strom is going to hang in there. Democratic Underground was recently fortunate enough to stumble across a copy of Strom Thurmond's secret diary, which we carefully mined for clues...

December 5, 1918 - Mama gave me this diary for my sixteenth birthday. I intend to write in it daily. I must admit that although the Great War has finally ended, I am still feared for my life. The gripp has passed me by, but this week I have had a dreadful headache, and not even a tincture of laudanam has improved my ills. I shall have to obtain some of this new-fangled "aspirin" from the doctor.

May 29, 1923 - Today I graduate college. Heavens be praised that my room-mate, who suffered from acute mania, did away with himself last month, bestowing upon me the gift of straight 'A' grades. Alas, my own end may not be far away. I sense a slight swelling in my belly, which I fear may be cramp colic, or possibly dropsy.

July 15, 1930 - We are in the midst of a great depression, and I too am sorely depressed. Aside from a painful re-occurence of gout, I am ashamed to admit that I may have contracted a case of French pox during a brief encouter with an unfortunate fille de joie last week. Pray God it is not life-threatening.

November 30, 1939 - I am afflicted with costiveness. War has broken out in Europe, and I believe that these great United States will eventually be drawn into the conflict. Surely my time on this earth is nearly at an end.

April 10, 1946 - Mercy! How did I avoid yellow fever, consumption and cholera in the fields of France, only to contract an acute case of lung fever on my return to America? How sad it is to have survived the brutality of Hitler's troops, only to succumb to this despicable infection. This may be my last entry, dear diary.

January 1, 1955 - The government's top experts inform me that the future will be a wonderful place. We will have machines to do all of our household chores, a ten hour work week, and modern medicines will greatly extend our life spans. Alas, it will be too late for me. I am now in my 52nd year and can only dream of what discoveries and wonder the 21st century will bring.

PS. My green sickness is recurring. I shall be keeping a close eye on it.

October 7, 1969 - I am hopeful that Man's recent excursion to the moon will bring some useful new medical discoveries to light. I have a powerful ague.

December 5, 1982 - My 80th birthday. The Lord only knows how I have made it this far, but I am thankful. So many new sicknesses have been discovered lately that it can only be a matter of time before I am taken up. They are saying that this "AIDS" may be even worse than scrofula. I hope I am not exposed to it.

August 18, 1993 - The end is near. I think I may be afflicted with a softening of the brain. They tell me a democrat is in the White House. I almost suffered a strangery when they informed me. My hands and feet are aflame with the screws, and there is a sanguineous crust on my right kneecap. Soon they will deliver me to the pest house where I will end my days...

January 20, 2001 - I see that young fella, what's his name, Bush, is back in the White House. Nice lad. Did a good job in the golf wars. Not so sure about this equal opportunity nonsense, mind, but I've seen a couple of foxy young freshmen wandering around this year. They even tell me that we've still got a Republican in the Senate seat for South Carolina. That's the ticket. Well, goodnight, diary. Mmm, what? Who are you people and where's my soup?

TO BE CONTINUED...

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