Democratic Underground

The Secret Diary of Strom Thurmond

With the Senate split 50-50 and a Democratic governer in South Carolina, we were wondering just how long Ol' Strom is going to hang in there. Democratic Underground was recently fortunate enough to stumble across a copy of Strom Thurmond's secret diary, which we carefully mined for clues...

The Thurmond Timeline
1902 Strom born in Edgefield, SC -
1903 Wright brothers' first powered flight -
1905 Player piano invented -
1907 Oklahoma becomes 46th state -
1908 Model T Ford introduced -
1912 Strom turns 10, Titanic sinks -
1914 World War I begins in Europe -
1916 SC minimum coalmining age raised to 14 -
1918 World War I ends -
1919 Congress passes Prohibiton Act -
1920 Average life expectancy in US is 54 -
1922 Strom turns 20, Yankees buy Babe Ruth -
1923 Strom gets BS Degree from Clemson U -
1924 Strom joins army, Coolidge re-elected -
1926 US celebrates its 150th birthday -
1927 First movie with sound -
1929 Stock Market crashes -
1930 Strom becomes attorney, Pluto discovered -
1931 Al Capone convicted of tax evasion -
1932 Strom turns 30, FDR becomes president -
1933 Strom becomes SC State Senator -
1937 Golden Gate Bridge completed -
1938 Strom becomes Circuit Judge of SC -
1939 World War II begins in Europe -
1940 Average life expectancy in US is 64 -
1942 Strom turns 40 -
1945 World War II ends -
1946 US has an estimated 9000 TV sets -
1947 Strom becomes SC Governor -
1948 Strom runs for President of US -
1949 China becomes Communist -
1951 Strom becomes Attorney at Law -
1952 Strom turns 50, car seat belts introduced -
1953 Joseph Stalin dies -
1954 Strom becomes US Senator -
1955 Disneyland opens, McDonalds founded -
1957 First satellite, "Sputnik" launched -
1959 Castro becomes dictator of Cuba -
1960 Strom re-elected to Senate -
1962 Strom turns 60, Marilyn Monroe dies -
1963 JFK assassinated -
1967 Green Bay Packers win Super Bowl I -
1969 Neil Armstrong is first man on the moon -
1972 Strom turns 70, re-elected to Senate -
1973 Watergate, Nixon resigns -
1976 US celebrates its 200th birthday -
1978 Strom re-elected to Senate -
1979 Disco is all the rage -
1980 Strom re-elected to Senate -
1981 Reagan inaugurated, almost assassinated -
1982 Strom turns 80, "Cheers" debuts on NBC -
 1983 120 million watch last episode of "M*A*S*H*" -
1984 Strom re-elected to Senate -
1986 Challenger explodes -
1987 Jim Bakker convicted of 24 counts of fraud -
1989 Bush Sr. elected with majority of votes -
1990 Strom re-elected to Senate -
1992 Strom turns 90, Bill Clinton elected -
1996 Strom re-elected to Senate -
2001 Strom still going strong -

December 5, 1918 - Mama gave me this diary for my sixteenth birthday. I intend to write in it daily. I must admit that although the Great War has finally ended, I am still feared for my life. The gripp has passed me by, but this week I have had a dreadful headache, and not even a tincture of laudanam has improved my ills. I shall have to obtain some of this new-fangled "aspirin" from the doctor.

May 29, 1923 - Today I graduate college. Heavens be praised that my room-mate, who suffered from acute mania, did away with himself last month, bestowing upon me the gift of straight 'A' grades. Alas, my own end may not be far away. I sense a slight swelling in my belly, which I fear may be cramp colic, or possibly dropsy.

July 15, 1930 - We are in the midst of a great depression, and I too am sorely depressed. Aside from a painful re-occurence of gout, I am ashamed to admit that I may have contracted a case of French pox during a brief encouter with an unfortunate fille de joie last week. Pray God it is not life-threatening.

November 30, 1939 - I am afflicted with costiveness. War has broken out in Europe, and I believe that these great United States will eventually be drawn into the conflict. Surely my time on this earth is nearly at an end.

April 10, 1946 - Mercy! How did I avoid yellow fever, consumption and cholera in the fields of France, only to contract an acute case of lung fever on my return to America? How sad it is to have survived the brutality of Hitler's troops, only to succumb to this despicable infection. This may be my last entry, dear diary.

January 1, 1955 - The government's top experts inform me that the future will be a wonderful place. We will have machines to do all of our household chores, a ten hour work week, and modern medicines will greatly extend our life spans. Alas, it will be too late for me. I am now in my 52nd year and can only dream of what discoveries and wonder the 21st century will bring.

PS. My green sickness is recurring. I shall be keeping a close eye on it.

October 7, 1969 - I am hopeful that Man's recent excursion to the moon will bring some useful new medical discoveries to light. I have a powerful ague.

December 5, 1982 - My 80th birthday. The Lord only knows how I have made it this far, but I am thankful. So many new sicknesses have been discovered lately that it can only be a matter of time before I am taken up. They are saying that this "AIDS" may be even worse than scrofula. I hope I am not exposed to it.

August 18, 1993 - The end is near. I think I may be afflicted with a softening of the brain. They tell me a democrat is in the White House. I almost suffered a strangery when they informed me. My hands and feet are aflame with the screws, and there is a sanguineous crust on my right kneecap. Soon they will deliver me to the pest house where I will end my days...

January 20, 2001 - I see that young fella, what's his name, Bush, is back in the White House. Nice lad. Did a good job in the golf wars. Not so sure about this equal opportunity nonsense, mind, but I've seen a couple of foxy young freshmen wandering around this year. They even tell me that we've still got a Republican in the Senate seat for South Carolina. That's the ticket. Well, goodnight, diary. Mmm, what? Who are you people and where's my soup?

TO BE CONTINUED...

 

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