im doomed

[undergroundpanther]

23. I know death is part of life it is not terrible

But trauma IS. Some is preventable but there is no political will to care and no way to make the less traumatized and comfortable see that thier greed traumatizes others because thier brain rewards them for the greed.


Right now I have a tooth half disintigrating because it broke,I need to rip it out (non-preventable trauma) but can't afford it because all the traumas in my life make it so I can't work to afford the fees dentists charge now that MA no longer covers tooth pulls.(preventable trauma on top of un-preventable trauma.

Going to a dentist would solve 2 traumas ,but going to the dentist triggers me,creating more trauma.So I'll have nightmares and flashbacks to deal with.

Because the house will be sold from under me,I am scared to ask my family for help for ANYTHING. As they do not care and want me gone. Likewise last week the heater element in the dryer went up,and my fridge is on it's last legs,not my fault both are over 40 years old.

Again I am scared to ask for any help from family,plus if it's house related they might throw me out faster. Of course the state has cut all section 8 to the bone the wait list is 8 years or more and you cannot go to other counties anymore.

Group homes are dangerous been there done that do not want to do it again.
Add in I might have tio give up my cats and my snake who are my sanity the only love I can count on in this world.

So on top of the traumas of the meeting:
My tooth is disintegrating,
my fridge is dying,
my dryer heat element or controller or both is gone,
my back is in pain I've learned to live with it,hurts,and it is a degenerative process
food is getting very expensive and living on 700 dollars and some change is NOT easy.
I have various health problems and the meds cost,I am transgender so I face bigots regarding that,
and I am so very lonely and know my chances of finding love are nil.
I am fat hate being fat but my back and the sheer exhaustion is alot to overcome to run on a machine like a chubby gerbil or pointlessly walk around.I eat healthy as I can afford but it seems pointless my endro has no idea why I am heavy.
add on...
the emotional pain
Especially when your mom unwilling to accept that mental hospitals do not teach you how to separate a manipulating asshole from a decent person, and most of my life has been in those places,that learning to live "on the outside" has a learning curve.
A learning curve that my family went through at the proper age people learn this, that I now in my 40's are learning.

My family does not care they want the money. I am the family poison container they made me the crazy so my sisters could be the golden children,
Never mind I have lived here 15 years here and took care of this place for 10, and learned to live here built a life here,got good treatment here,after being traumatized by another treatment center out here and a new ager shrink, and finally finding somewhere that helps me all that does not mean shit to my greedy narcissistic sisters. Never mind I am smarter than both of them combined I never got to learn a skill or degree even when I asked and had everything they needed at their fingertips I was not worthy to learn it to them,I learned alot on my own tho. My dreams are impossible they are always deferred because everyone else in my family is worth more than I am apparently in their evil little heads.God forbid I talk during a family gathering been sshushed all my life never allowed to finish a thought,regardless of the beatings and humiliations sexual abuse etc. and the school bullies and no safe place to sleep.

Nevermind that I want a life of my own,to live UNSUPERVIZED gawd forbid,,and to stay where I am treatment wise and keep the best therapist I have EVER had.

All this is happening while I feel sorrow over the road kills I walk past,the sadness at watching a forest torn apart, for what a new wal mart because the one half a mile away isn't BIG enough to suit wal mart. WTF.All this while I see the weather growing stranger,and only saw 1 honeybee I rescued from being trapped in my front door that was acting strange this year,saw none last year,and the country slowly looks more and more like a police state and mental health funds are cut and cut and services for the poor like me dry up.

My mind will not let me find peace. That is what happens to a brain that is severely and repeatedly traumatized. It's like dealing with the fear after a car crash,but not just that, it's dealing with a car crash every week, that never stops.You kinda lose that inner peace after so many rapes and attempts, next door pedophile, family abuse,church abuse,institutional abuse and bad people around you and no place to escape them even for a moment,it kills your inner peace.

When you lived in fear of being forcefully relocated over and over and it's going to happen AGAIN
When you have things you love dearly taken away over and over and a family that tells you you are worthless day after day and bullies everywhere, in school in programs,at home..

Because right when I begin to figure out how to handle my life, again and again shit falls apart and circumstances or people take it away,whether it's the house sold from under me, forced discharge, forced to another hospital, new therapist school, home etc. it is too much for me to juggle at once,add on the pain my family dumped on me it's too much.I'm not this pillar of strength,I have wounds weaknesses and I can't cope all the time.

I have no idea what will happen once I am displaced from here.My mom cannot protect me from my sisters. I cannot protect myself from the street. I have no future. and my fucking tooth hurts. Traumas on top of traumas,that is my life and to sit there and say listen to the core of your being when I don't even know if I have one anymore and my therapist is just beginning to help heal me and we have no idea hgow deep the rabbit hole of multiples inside goes , I'm sorry stuff like look at pretty things and think happy thoughts or listen to that inn er voice(which one) right now is insulting.

Life is death,that's ok,My problem is with the constant TRAUMA in between birth and death that makes me want to die.