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Reply #21

In the discussion thread: Scottish farmer trumps Trump [View all]

Response to DonViejo (Original post)

Mon Dec 3, 2012, 04:49 PM

21. John Cleese explained why you don't want to piss off a Scot!

"ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when the tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time theBritish issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "pissed off" to "Let's Get the Bastards!" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used in the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

I sent this to a friend whom I stayed with in the Highlands last year and she said that as a Scot she felt the description was not far off.

Here's a link to the national anthem the Scottish "tartan army" football fans sing - I've never heard a national song sung with more passion. It's called Flower of Scotland

O Flower of Scotland
When will we see
Your like again
That fought and died for
Your wee bit hill and glen
And stood against him
Proud Edward's army
And sent him homeward
Tae think again.

The hills are bare now
And Autumn leaves
Lie thick and still
O'er land that is lost now
Which those so dearly held
That stood against him
Proud Edward's army
And sent him homeward
Tae think again.


Those days are past now
And in the past
They must remain
But we can still rise now
And be the nation again
That stood against him
Proud Edward's army
And sent him homeward
Tae think again.

O Flower of Scotland
When will we see
Your like again
That fought and died for
Your wee bit hill and glen
And stood against him
Proud Edward's army
And sent him homeward
Tae think again.

On edit, as per Muriel Volstranger's post, the song refers to the victory of the Scots, led by Robert the Bruce, over England's Edward II at the Battle of Bannockburn in 1314.
An earlier Edward, Edward I,was known as Edward Longshanks. The joke tells how:

He came to Scotland to conquer the Scots. He brings 4,000 men with him.
As he nears the battlefield there suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. A short, ginger-haired guy in a kilt.

'Hammer O the Scots?' yells the wee Scottish guy on the hill. 'Come up here, ye English b*st*rds, and I'll give ye a hammerin'!'

Edward turns to his commander. 'Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart,' he says.

The commander sends 20 of his best men over the hill to kill the Scotsman. Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the wee Scot appears again.

'Ye English diddies!' he yells. 'Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I'll have ye all!'

Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his commander. 'Send 100 men to kill that little guttersnipe!'

The commander sends 100 men over the hill to do the job. Ten minutes later, the wee Scot appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn.

'Ye English SCUM!' he yells.. 'I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, ye English sh*te!!'

Edward losses patience. 'Commander, take 400 men and personally WIPE HIM OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH!' he yells. The commander gulps, but leads 400 men on horseback over the crest of the hill.

Ten minutes later, the wee Scotsman is back. His clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood and snot.

'Is that the best ye can do??? Ye'r bloody WUMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and have a go, ye bunch of English sh*te!!!' he yells.

Edward turns to his second in command. 'Take 1,000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed him!' he commands. The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate. Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill. He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn.

'Your Majesty!' he yells. 'It's a trap.................There's TWO of them!!!'

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